Two events. A week apart. A year has flown by. Yet for each person who had a loved one murdered at the Pulse Nightclub on June 12, 2016 each day likely felt an eternity during… More
Reposted and edited with permission from the Blog bdsmforvanillas written by thesexresearcher. Thank you!
When you get a new submissive, one of the things you can do to ensure that things run smoothly is to create a set of rules. Rules must be adapted to each individual D/s relationship, but here are a bunch of rules you can choose from or use as inspiration.
- The submissive shall not lie.
- The submissive shall NOT consider “Nothing” as an appropriate response to “What’s wrong?”
- The submissive shall be respectful at all times
- The submissive shall not manipulate Dominant, or any situation, in order to achieve their own personal objectives.
- The submissive must wear their “collar” at all times.
- The submissive’s clothing is subject to the inspection and approval of Dominant.
- The submissive shall execute and complete all requests made by Dominant in the manner and time frame they set forth, and agreed upon by the submissive.
- The submissive shall discuss with Dominant all decisions of any significance.
- The submissive shall submit a journal entry to Dominant each day.
- The submissive shall not fear discipline from any matters contained in their journal.
- The submissive is always to act in a manner that reflects positively upon their Dominant.
- The submissive shall not misuse their safe word. It is appropriately used only at times in which they feel their personal safety, either physical or mental (including fear), is compromised.
- The submissive shall refrain from using profane language at all times.
- The submissive shall always make physical or eye contact with Dominant when Dominant enters a room.
- The submissive must let Dominant take care of them.
- Before leaving home every day, submissive must be wearing an item of ownership.
- Each morning, sub will write Dom’s name somewhere on sub’s body. Condition – If they are together, Dom will write their name on sub’s body each morning.
- Each evening, sub must write an e-mail to Dom describing in detail everything that they plan to wear the following day. Or if together, then let them pick out your outfit. Must include: undergarments, outfit, jewelry, perfume.
- Every day after work, when female sub changes out of her work clothes, she must insert the Ben Wa balls into her pussy and wear them until bedtime. She must wear the ben wa balls for all social, exercise, yoga or work out activities.
- Every night submissive must masturbate.
- Submissive will adhere to any preference Dominant might have regarding whether they shower or take a bath.
- Submissive will adhere to any preference Dominant might have regarding whether they bathe or shower at night or in the morning.
- Submissive will also adhere to any preference Dominant has to which body lotion or perfume they use after they bathe/shower.
- The submissive will attempt to avoid disease. Should any medical issue arise, the submissive will inform Dominant immediately.
- The submissive must brush and floss teeth daily.
- Hair must be groomed each day.
- Submissive must exercise for a minimum of 30 minutes each day.
- Submissive must thank Dominant cheerfully
- Submissive will never hide their feelings or thoughts from Dominant.
- Submissive will apologize whenever they have erred.
- Submissive will never hide their tears from Dominant.
- Submissive will not borrow trouble and will not worry about things that are out of their control.
- Submissive will accept all punishments, knowing they are out of care and/or love.
- Submissive will never (or rarely) speak badly of themselves, or there will be consequences.
- Submissive will go to therapy, take medicine, or whatever the Dominant says if they have mental issues like anxiety or depression.
- Submissive will send a “good morning” text to let Dominant know they are awake and to remind them of plans for the day.
- Submissive will let Dominant know whenever they leave the house.
- Submissive will not pick up their phone and answer it when Dominant is talking to them, unless Dominant says otherwise.
- Submissive will ask permission to speak freely when they believe Dominant is making a wrong choice.
- Submissive will always address Dominant as “Sir”, or other name both have agreed on. And keep their eyes respectfully lowered. Unless agreed to not do this.
- If submissive is concerned that they will deviate from an expectation they are to inform Dominant at once. Preferably before.
- Submissive will ask permission to make purchases that they or Dominant do not “Need”.
- Submissive will always come to Dominant with any concerns that they have. Submissive will not be afraid to talk to Dominant.
- Submissive will respond to text messages from Dominant in a reasonable amount of time or explain why it took so long to answer.
- Submissive will keep the household in presentable order
- Submissive will keep dirty laundry to a minimum
- Submissive will fold laundry (without complaint)
- Submissive will wash dishes everyday (Dishwasher)
- Submissive will feed dogs and do their training every morning
- Submissive will cook meals at least 3 times a week
- Submissive will have sex when Dominant sees fit, unless health prevents them from doing so. Submissive will let Dominant know when they are not feeling well enough for sexual activity.
- Submissive will never touch their self in a gratifying way or pleasing way outside of Dominant’s presence or unless they have obtained Dominant’s consent.
- Submissive will never touch a toy unless instructed to do so.
- Submissive will always thank Dominant after play, or sexual use.
- Submissive must also ask permission to orgasm.
- If submissive is given instructions regarding masturbation prior to asking, they must follow those instructions to the best of their ability.
- If submissive wants to buy a new sex toy they must show Dominant so they can make the decision together.
- While in the scene, the submissive will not speak unless to say their safeword or unless the Dominant says they can.
- Submissive may ask for a particular sexual act before starting the scene, but not during.
- Once the scene has started, the Dominant has full control and expects full cooperation from submissive.
Becoming authentic is an individual mission, since each person has their own way of being human, and consequently what is authentic will be different for each individual. Furthermore, personal authenticity is highly contextual, and depends on various social, political, religious and cultural characteristics. But the unique nature of each individual is best seen not in who he is, but in who he becomes, and becoming authentic is a continuous process, not an event. It involves not just knowing oneself, but also recognizing others and the mutual influence between individuals. If the quest for personal authenticity is just for self-fulfillment, then it is individualistic and ego-based; but if it is accompanied with the awareness of others and the wider world, then it can be a worthwhile goal. From Philosophy Now
Have you ever pondered, “who am I/i really?” “Who is M/my authentic self?”
Well, i have many times over the years. It seems as we grow and change, our relationships evolve or end, we move, and find new careers and new lovers, our authentic self changes too. Authenticity seems to be a hard and never ending quest because people are continually evolving, growing and changing.
Finding Y/your authentic self is about being honest with Y/yourself, being self aware, being humble, and listening to feedback from others without getting hurt or defensive, and then internalizing the feedback that resonates with Y/you. Those of Y/you who do seek a more authentic self will likely become a happier, and more creative person. Also, some psychologists say authenticity can lead to improved coping strategies, a stronger sense of self worth, more self confidence, and a higher likelihood of following through on goals.
Don Miguel Ruiz writes in his book The Four Agreements that “our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive and express what we really are.”
As soon as i read that statement i immediately thought about those of U/us living or attempting to live O/our authentic selves, what W/we really are – or are into (KINK or BDSM). W/we in the Leather BDSM community reportedly have healthier relationships because of the degree to which we have open, honest communication between the people involved prior to establishing a formal relationship or agreeing to a play session. For there to be open and honest communication Y/you hopefully have done some sort of personal inventory of Y/your life identifying Y/your wants, needs, desires, likes, preferences, and goals, as well as those things Y/you want to avoid, not experience or exclude from Y/your life.
In order for Y/you to begin identifying and understanding Y/your most significant personal values, i have included the list and exercises below:
Step 1: What I/i Value Most…
From this list of values (both work and personal), select the ten that are most important to Y/you – as guides for how to behave or as components of a valued way of life. Feel free to add any values of Y/your own to the list.
Achievement Friendships Physical challenge
Advancement and promotion Growth Pleasure
Adventure Having a family Power and authority
Affection (love and caring) Helping other people Privacy
Arts Helping society Public service
Challenging problems Honesty Purity
Change and variety Independence Quality of what I take part in
Close relationships Influencing others Quality relationships
Community Inner harmony Recognition (respect from others, status)
Competence Integrity Religion
Competition Intellectual status Reputation
Cooperation Involvement Responsibility and accountability
Country Job tranquility Security
Creativity Knowledge Self-Respect
Decisiveness Leadership Serenity
Democracy Location Sophistication
Ecological awareness Loyalty Stability
Economic security Market position Status
Effectiveness Meaningful work Supervising others
Efficiency Merit Time freedom
Ethical practice Money Truth
Excellence Nature Wealth
Excitement being around people who
are open and honest Wisdom
Fame Order (tranquility,
stability, conformity) Work under pressure
Fast living Personal development Work with others
Step 2: Elimination
Now that Y/you have identified ten, imagine that Y/you are only permitted to have five values. Which five would Y/you give up? Cross them off.
Now imagine that Y/you are only permitted four. Which would Y/you give up? Cross it off.
Now cross off another, to bring Y/your list down to three.
And another, to bring Y/your list down to two.
Finally cross off one of Y/your two values. Which is the one item on the lst that Y/you care most about?
Another way of identifying Y/your authentic self, is to ask Y/yourself the following five questions:
- When Y/you were little, what did Y/you w ant to be when Y/you grew up? W/we all had dreams when W/we were little, but people get sidetracked from T/their dreams by status, money, responsibility and life. Picture Y/yourself in Y/your childhood dream. Do Y/you see that smile and positive energy? That could be Y/your life.
- What makes Y/you laugh? Laugh at what Y/you find funny. Who cares if the person next to Y/you is laughing. Laughing feels good, makes U/us happier people and sets U/us free to enjoy the life W/we are living. Laughter is a powerful tool that can change Y/your mood and perception of what is happening in the moment. Enjoy the smile and the feeling of happiness rising inside of Y/you.
- What clothes do Y/you feel comfortable in? This is a serious question. It doesn’t matter if Y/you like dressing in suits every day or prefer cotton shirts and no shoes, wear what makes Y/you feel comfortable. i am not suggesting Y/you run naked through the streets or Y/your office, but clothes are a way of expressing Y/yourself and what Y/you wear should be comfortable and should reflect the true Y/you.
- What activities do Y/you enjoy? Discovering these activities will help guide Y/you towards a place where Y/you want to spend time. By finding and immersing Y/yourself in this place, Y/you will feel happier and more energized. Ultimately Y/you may find that Y/you want to work in that place, or at least create the possibility to spend more time there.
- Who can Y/you be Y/yourself around? W/we are social creatures by nature, so it is important to spend time with people who make U/us feel good and accept U/us for who W/we really are. When W/we are with people who do not judge U/us but accept U/us, then W/we are able to express O/our authentic self.
Once Y/you discover Y/your authentic self, Y/you can start to make changes in Y/your life that allow Y/you to be this person. It is time to face those fears and start Y/your journey toward being Y/your authentic self. Y/you will be astounded by how Y/your life can become fuller, richer, and happier. (Edited from http://www.mindbodygreen.com)
i have changed over the years but one thing has remained a constant even though for years it was a closeted self, so i can’t claim to have been living my authentic self. That is my love and affinity and passion for the Leather BDSM/KINK community. In my closet Days my fantasy men were leather clad masculine Doms. i enjoyed it when a partner was more aggressive, rough, or Dominant. i was really turned on by the slaps to the ass some men would deliver. i knew who my authentic self was i was just not able to let him out at the time for various reasons.
my responses to the questions above:
i like men in leather and uniforms; i feel comfortable in Levi’s, boots, leather; i enjoy and feel more comfortable in masculine atmospheres like Leather bars and Leather BDSM gatherings and events; i like BDSM & Kink & Fetish activities; and i can most be myself – my real, authentic self around other Leather BDSM Men/boys.
my dream of beginning a new life in a new country with a new lover has come to an end. i woke to a new day released from the tight grip depression had on me. i realize my life is not dark and repressive as i had built up in my period of sadness and self pity.
i actually like most things in my life even if some aspects need a healthy nipple tweaking and adjustment.
So what turned my thinking and mood around? First, a slight increase in the dose of an antidepressant medication. Second, a great therapist who referred me to a Codependence Anonymous group. And third, meeting with a religious leader to discuss her views of aging, declining health, accumulating multiple illnesses, death, whether or not God exists, and the purpose of life. i gained a new perspective, and felt that grip of depression loosening.
i ended my long distance online fantasy relationship. And, i am working on regaining some power and a voice in my existing long term relationship.
Dreams and fantasies are wonderful. They add hope, excitement and vigor to life. But, W/we do eventually have to wake up and come back to reality.
Therefore, it is incumbent upon U/us to find O/our joy, O/our purpose, and O/our happiness. No one else can give them to U/us.
If Y/you find Y/yourself getting stuck, feeling increasingly sad, isolating yourself, or recognizing that Y/you are depressed, please seek help. Find a therapist to help Y/you identify and work on issues. If Y/you need medication intervention see a psychiatrist as well. Depression is a common form of mental illness. And it is highly treatable. Get help if Y/you need it!
Thanks for reading,
My marriage is not perfect, but whose is? We’ve only been officially married 2 1/2 years, but have been together 37 years. As i related in a previous post we had a drastic estrangement last September when it came out how deeply i was integrating into the Leather BDSM Kink lifestyle.
Over the years i have been told repeatedly by a series of therapists to end my relationship because of codependence and ongoing difficulties between us. However, i couldn’t leave, and didn’t want to. There was love, friendship, companionship, compatibility, lots of history with both ups and downs, illnesses, near deaths for each of us, many family member’s deaths, and most of our friends had died of AIDS. And of course the codependence!
The major thing missing from my life and needs seemed to be a healthy (and kinky) sex life. But now, i feel i need a deep emotional and passionate relationship to go with the hot sex life.
For years i have been on many gay hookup sites looking for those brief anonymous, wild and passionate hookups. Unfortunately, it mostly ended up just being picture perusal and an occasional chat, but very seldom any hookups.
Last week a new app notice appeared in my email inbox, so i thought i would give it a try. Within a couple of hours of getting the app & submitting my profile, my first email arrived. It was from a handsome man, 52 years old, BUT he lives in another country. His message was very sweet and special so i responded. i have to say i also got a dozen more messages from guys all over the world that i deleted immediately.
This man, a doctor – he says – and i have texted several times daily every since we first met. Some of his story made me wonder if he is being truthful. According to him he is in a special military unit as a doctor – an email was sent to me from a medical related email, so i tend to believe that. Yesterday he said he was being sent to a middle eastern war zone country – and then later he texted his google location, & sure enough it shows he is there in the thick of the fighting. Yipes!
i look forward to each text. i am fearing for his life. i am praying he returns to the safety of his home country soon.
The big caveat – he has proclaimed his love for me already and states he wants to be together and that the distance can be overcome if there is enough desire to continue the relationship.
So, i am having an emotional affair. It feels much different from the infrequent sexual hookups i was having. i am not saying i feel guilty, but i worry that i could end up being a prick tease for my doctor/soldier/lover man. I have not told him about my relationship status, physical problems or HIV status, but he hasn’t asked either.
i have fantasized about moving to his European country escaping my current life. But, i know, well…i think i know it is just a fantasy. i do not want to hurt my husband. I couldn’t move to another country while my father is still living. Of course, we would have to meet in person to test compatibility, sexual compatibility, and see if he truly has a BDSM side as he indicated in his online profile. He did say he is versatile and tends more submissive. Hummm.
Tell me now, am i in fantasyland? Could it really work out? Am i infatuated? Is it budding love? Am i wanting an escape route? Or am i being a prick tease?
Y/you can be honest. What do you think?
Thanks for reading,
Dominant Male Training
December 16, 2016
Dominant Male Training, Dominatrix Training, female submissive training, Male Submissive Training By The BDSM Training Academy
One of the biggest misconceptions I hear from people about Dom/sub relationships. Is that the relationship is only about sex. While some Dom/sub relationships can be, for many Dom/sub relationships involves so much more.
A Dom/sub relationship gives people involved an opportunity to live a completely harmonious and balanced life with their partner in an emotional, spiritual and physical capacity. It develops a relationship where each partner knows and understands their roles, allowing for a balance between personalities, skills, emotional needs and physical desires. It provides an opportunity for both partners to work together as one harmonious unit to be able to reach the objectives that will better serve the couple. As described in ancient Chinese philosophy, it is the balance between ying and yang. It is this balance that provides such a strong foundation for the Dom/sub relationship.
So why am I telling you this? Why don’t I just explain why slaves should serve? The reason why I express this is because I believe this message becomes lost behind many people’s sexual desires. They forget that some of the biggest reasons for a slave to serve and a Dominant to control are rooted deeply within developing a beautiful loving relationship that provides the support that each partner needs throughout life.
Two people are capable of doing and experiencing so much more, when they are able to live and work together in a harmonious and balanced environment.
One submissive’s perspective:
1. To create a relationship of trust, care and humor that will sustain and nourish him so that time together is renewing for him
2. To create an environment in which there is the balance between the peace needed when he is stressed and the chaotic playfulness needed when he wants to be energized and have fun
3. To create an environment in which the Dominant may continue to grow and develop in his dominance
4. To be a listening heart and ear
5. To search for solutions and to offer a constructive critique in the process of problem solving
6. To become the submissive/slave with whom he wishes to associate and with whom he wishes to invest his time
7. To be the ying to his yang
8. To co-join my power to his power to enhance his power
9. To understand his wants and desires so as to anticipate and meet them
10. To cultivate the attitudes, thoughts and behaviors that demonstrates the honor and respect due to him
11. To simply be open to him in whatever way he desires
12. To learn to love deeply (The word ‘love’ is used in the sense of ‘to will the very best for another’ and not as a romantic notion.)
13. As a single person living alone for another single person living alone, to watch over him in friendship
14. To bring him pleasure—physical, intellectual and spiritual
15. To be a dinner companion/to provide dinner if not going out
16. To be a film and theatre companion
17. To be a walking/sports companion
18. To be a travel companion when appropriate/possible
19. To fulfill his fantasies
20. To provide for his entertainment
21. To be used sensually and sexually however and whenever he desires and by whomever he wishes
22. To give my body for his enjoyment of BDSM activities/practices/fetishes
23. To be an intellectual sounding board for philosophical and political ideas
24. To research according to his wishes
25. To help in his continuing self-education
26. To challenge and surprise him in such a way that his horizon of understanding is broadened
27. To reflect upon issues and write for him
28. To read for and to him
29. To be a masseur for painful joints and feet
30. To monitor blood pressure/health and keep records
31. To encourage him in a healthy lifestyle
32. To bath and to provide bodily care for him when necessary/appropriate/desired
33. To worship his body
34. To help and care for him in times of physical need such as sickness, operations etc.
35. To do those tasks for which the Dominant has little or no training, resources or time e.g. computer, video editing, etc.
36. To chauffeur when necessary
37. To be a dog/pet minder when necessary
38. To serve and undertake tasks/chores as directed/desired, including domestic chores
39. Through service to him and through his lessons, to grow and develop in submission
40. To grow as a submissive towards the privilege of giving my all to him as he wills
41. To demonstrate gratitude and appreciation for the time and effort which he puts into planning my training
42. To grow in trust and learning to let go of control
43. To grow in obedience
44. To accept guidance and direction
45. For the stability and structure he brings to my life
46. For the freedom that is his gift to me through his dominance
47. In thankfulness for his acceptance of this flawed human being
48. To delight in his wisdom
49. Through service, to have my own sensual/sexual/BDSM desires met when he pleases
50. For the pleasure of serving him and because it is my choice to serve him
Another submissive’s list:
1. To please Him
2. To service all his sexual desires
3. To make Master proud
4. To provide Master with emotional support
5. To learn how to relinquish all control to Him
6. To understand what He wants and to provide it for Him
7. To share completely in His life.
8. To thank Him for choosing me.
9. To show Him that He is the most important thing in my life
10. To show my gratitude for His love.
11. To show my gratitude for His kindness.
12. To show my gratitude to Him for knowing what is best for me.
13. To show how much I trust Him.
14. To learn patience.
15. To learn to trust and move past my insecurities.
16. To show how proud I am to belong to such a wonderful Master.
17. To learn to anticipate his needs and provide them without being asked.
18. To show Him the extent of my desires for Him.
19. To show my appreciation for His willingness to take care of me.
20. To show my appreciation for how hard He works to take care of me.
21. To show Him that I recognize the sacrifices He has made for me.
22. To help relieve His stress
23. To show that I can give Him a clean organized house to come home to after His long day at work.
24. To show Him that I respect Him as my Master, Husband and Friend.
25. To give him peace of mind when things around Him are chaotic.
26. To provide Him with comfort and understanding.
27. To provide Him with humor when He is sad.
28. To share in His dreams.
29. To grow our relationship beyond sex and duty
30. To experience total submission when my need to be in control is not in His best interest.
31. To learn to love more deeply.
32. To understand that I can be a strong, independent person without being in control.
33. To take responsibility for the day to day chores so that He can concentrate on His life/career/Dominance.
34. To learn to be graceful and respectful to Him at all times.
35. To learn how to put my wants aside to fulfill His first.
36. To ignite His passion
37. To bring Him to sexual heights He has only dreamed about.
38. To show how completely devoted I am to Him only.
39. To prove that I am worthy of His love
40. To prove that I am willing to try to fill all His need and desires.
41. To bring him laughter
42. To give Him my heart, mind, body and soul with complete confidence and trust knowing that He will never hurt me.
43. To give him my support for all the decisions He must make in order to provide for me.
44. To relieve the burdens He carries by taking care of me.
45. To offer my opinions, suggestions and help when He is faced with a dilemma and when He asks.
46. To help create a life-long relationship built on trust, respect, and a deep knowledge of His needs and desires.
47. To fulfill His fantasies.
48. To become more than just His partner but to become His only desire.
49. To earn the right to be – first in His heart, mind, body and soul.
50. To show that I am the one person He has been waiting for. The one person He wants to share His life with. The one person he knows He can trust to always put Him first and to never disrespect, dishonor or disobey Him.
This article was edited from a post received from the BDSM Training Academy. It is a great resource and provides a great deal of information to consider for those seeking to enter into a D/s relationship.
Check out the BDSM Training ACADEMY
Over the years i have heard time after time that BDSM is abusive to the submissive or bottom person in a D/s or M/s relationship. Most often it had to do with the sub’s position in play – usually that of the recipient of control in the form of bondage or of pain. What the general public is not aware of is the basic tenet of BDSM – safe, sane, & consensual. They don’t understand how or why a person would submit willingly to the infliction of pain, so of course they assume the submissive is being coerced or abused. While this can and probably does happen at times in BDSM relationships, i believe it has more to do with the individual’s psychological make-up than the presence of the BDSM dynamic.
i thought tonight i would elucidate the problems of domestic abuse, so Y/you will have a greater understanding of the types of abuse and be able to identify abusive tactics employed by the perpetrators.
Generally, there are five categories of domestic abuse:
These categories are not exclusive meaning an abuser may utilize tactics from more than one category in order to maintain control over the victimized person.
Physical violence or even the threat of violence is intended to enhance the power and control of the abuser over the partner. Physical abuse can be defined as the threat of harm or any forceful physical behavior that intentionally or accidentally causes bodily harm or property destruction, including:
- Hitting, beating, choking, pushing, slapping, kicking, pulling hair, biting, punching, backhanding, arm twisting, shoving, kicking or burning.
- Threatening to use or using a weapon against the partner
- Punching walls or doors
- Denying or interfering with the partner meeting their basic physical needs (e.g. Eating and sleeping)
- Smashing, damaging, stealing, or selling the partner’s possessions
Physical abuse also can be used against children, pets, and even the partner’s family & friends
***Recently i was told one should know their potential partner in BDSM well since most of the consensual activities could be considered felonies***
Sexual abuse is any forced or coerced sexual activity or behavior motivated to build power and control over the partner. It can also be any contact meant to demean or humiliate the partner and instill feelings of shame and vulnerability.
- Unwanted touching
- Demeaning remarks
- Berating partner about sexual history
- Forcing sex without consent
- Rape with an object
- Refusing to comply with request for safe sex
- Coercing partner into sex with others
- Unwanted sadistic acts
Some forms of sexual abuse are crimes
Emotional abuse is the use of words, voice, action, or lack of action meant to control, hurt or demean another person. It typically includes ridicule, intimidation or coercion.
- Verbal threats
- Demeaning person in front of friends, family, or even strangers
- Constant criticism or humiliation yelling to intimidate
- Obsessive jealousy
- Being irresponsible with money
- Using insults, sarcasm or sneering
Frequently the abuser is seeking to socially isolate the partner. Behaviors used to socially isolate include:
- Blaming partner’s friends or family for their relationship problems
- Monitoring phone calls, mail, or visits
- Demanding an account of daily activities
- Insulting, threatening or assaulting the partner’s friends or family to drive them away
- Stalking or using other means of surveillance
Financial abuse is the use or misuse of the partner’s financial or other monetary resources without the partner’s freely given consent.
Common examples include:
- Forbidding the partner to work
- Refusing to work yet contributing to expenses
- Controlling shared resources
- Demanding partner account for all the money they spend
- Taking credit cards, money, or checkbook
- Forging partner’s signature on financial documents
Identity abuse is the use of personal characteristics to demean, manipulate and control the partner. Some of these tactics overlap with other forms of abuse, particularly emotional abuse. This category includes racism, sexism, ageism, able-ism, beauty-ism, and homophobia. Also the fear of being outed as a kinky person can be a form of identity abuse.
- Outing or threatening to out someone
- Asserting partner will never have another relationship because they are too ugly or too old
- Blaming the abuse on the person’s identity (gay, bisexual) or behavior (S&M)
- Exploiting partner’s internalized racism
- Ridiculing partner’s physical challenges
i am simply listing the characteristics of Abusive Men
- Control – achieved through criticism, verbal abuse, financial control, isolation, cruelty
- Entitlement – belief in having special rights without responsibilities
- Selfishness & Self-centeredness – expectation of being center of attention, having needs anticipated
- Superiority – contempt for partner as stupid, unworthy or as house keeper
- Possessiveness – seeing partner as property
- Confusing Love & Abuse – explains violence as expression of deep love
- Manipulativeness – confusion, distortion, lies. Projects self as good, while portraying partner as crazy or abusive
- Contradictory Statements & Behaviors – saying one thing and doing another
- Externalization of Responsibility – shifting blame for their actions to others, especially the partner
- Denial, Minimalization, & Victim Blaming – not acknowledging the seriousness of his behavior and its effects
- Serial Battering – abusive in one relationship after another
Men can exhibit some or all of these characteristics and NEVER PHYSICALLY assault a partner
Some of this material was edited or summarized from Lundy Bancroft & Jay Silverman (2002). The Batterer as Parent: Addressing the Impact of Domestic Violence on Family Dynamics. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications.
Thanks for reading,