Questions about being a submissive, and Questions for Doms

Have Y/you ever wondered what Y/you were supposed to do, think or feel about being a submissive or a Dominant?  Did you have questions for Doms or subs but were afraid to ask?

Here are a few questions i would ask about being a sub, and some questions i would pose to Dominants, if the opportunity arose.

What questions do Y/you have that Y/you want answered?

Add a comment to this post to respond to a question or to submit a question you have had for a while.

Hopefully we’ll add more questions, get some answers, and open a dialogue between Doms and subs.
                  Questions of Mine

  • Should a boy be clean shaven – not even a moustache 
  • Should a boy keep his hair short?
  • Should a boy shave his pubes and balls?
  • Should a boy shave his ass?
  • Should a boy call every Dom and Master “SIR ” from the very beginning?
  • What do Doms look for in a potential submissive boy?
  • What do Doms really think/feel if a sub uses a safe word?
  • Are most Doms trying to be intimidating or is it the nature of Dominants, or am i being too easily intimidated?
  • Do most Doms have just a few special kinks in Their repertoire or are They well versed in a variety of different skills?
  • What is it with the Cigar craze? 
  •  Don’t Doms know cigars kill the same way cigarettes do, but in a more pervasive, smelly way?
  • Is the role of a Dom becoming fuzzy and more indistinguishable from a submissive?
  • Why is it becoming harder to tell a sub from a Dom in social situations or at Leather bars?
  • Are Doms softening over time?
  • Why is more sex being had at gay male Leather play parties than actual BDSM scenes?
  • At a play party how should a sub ask a Dom to do a scene with him?
  • Is a boy supposed to approach an unfamiliar Dom initially, or is it the Dom’s place to pursue His prospective boy?
  • Are there a lot of Dominants who are actually bottoms in sex, giving the role of top to His boy?
  • What things have You experienced that immediately ended a scene?

i hope more questions are generated and that responses to the current questions will be submitted by many M/men and women sharing T/their perspective. 

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Advertisements

30 Days to Define your Kink as a submissive – Day 29 & 30

The time has come for me to Define my kink for the last two days.  i think it took a month or more to write responses to all the questions but it has been profound and eye opening.  i know i am submissive, but never really took the time to contemplate what that means to me or how it impacts my life.  If you haven’t been defining your kink as a submissive along with me i encourage you to back track in my Blog to find all 30 Days of questions.  Don’t rush through them one right after the other.  Take a day or so between writing your responses so that you can ponder the question and then write about it as thoroughly as you can.

Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission? What is your relationship to it? Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?
Over the last twenty five years i have experienced many types of pain mostly from medical issues and surgical interventions.  Some of it mild; some excruciating.  What I can tell Y/you is the unintentional, internal pain from illness or surgery is different from the intentional, consensual infliction on pain in a BDSM setting.  


As a submissive i know that there is a beginning to the pain and a definite endpoint to it.  In this type of scene i am consenting and anticipating the pain.  i know that if the pain surpasses my tolerance level, i can, with one word, stop the infliction of the pain.  


My relationship with the intentional pain is a fondness for the attention of the Dom and the feeling of total submission to His control.  In ways i embrace it, i accept it, i tolerate it, and sometimes i long for it.

i do stop short of calling myself a “pain pig” as some people do.  i am not into the pain just for the pain.  For me it comes with a purpose and is the result of two M/men coming together to explore T/their kink together.


Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Will, Won’t or Maybe Mondays

Today i will just talk about humiliation as a part of a D/s interaction or relationships.  Twice, well, maybe more than that, i have put my safety in jeopardy by getting into the vehicle of an unknown Dom.  But, the topic is about humiliation…both of those encounters began with my public humiliation.  The first one i experienced was with a Brazilian Dom i met on a hookup site.  He was a young, good looking, uncut, married (to a woman) Dom so i felt i could trust Him to be discreet.

On the day of our first meeting He ordered me to wear a tank top tee shirt, extremely short shorts, and no underwear.  Also i was to tie a white ribbon around my balls and to let the end of the ribbon to hang out the bottom of my shorts.  Well, the shorts i had were very short workout shorts and i always wore a jock with them.  The jock greatly enhanced and displayed my bulge through the leg openings.  This was the strategic marketing of my availability at the gay gym.  

If that weren’t enough humiliation, the true test of my submissiveness for Him was that i was to drive to a certain coffee shop about six miles from my house, and i was to stand out front with my head bowed waiting for him to arrive.  i must have stood there ten to fifteen minutes before He arrived.  He then ordered me to keep my head down and not to look at Him.  W/we walked into the coffee shop and sat at a table.  He ordered me to move closer, He reached over and took hold of the white ribbon tugging on it a couple times.  He bought U/us coffee and we left.  i assumed i would follow Him to His house, but He insisted i get into his car.  Briefly i thought about my safety but my dick was making decisions for me at this point.

i got into the passenger seat still averting my eyes and W/we drove off.  W/we drove a short distance, then He ordered me to put a blindfold on, which i did..  Later i learned He didn’t want me to know where W/we were going or His address.  He ordered me down in the seat so neighbors wouldn’t see as He drove into the garage.  i followed Him into His house.  Again, i thought He could kill me and no one would have a clue about my whereabouts.  But i still went in.  

i allowed myself to be cuffed behind my back after undressing.  

Previously online He told me about a smegma fixation He has.  He asked if i preferred clean or with “cheese”.  i said clean.  However, when He wanted a blow job all i could think about was smegma – even though He was clean.  So, i began gagging and choking with the thought of unclean dick in my mouth.  He said, “you are a lousy cocksucker, I’ll have to train you to be better at it.”  The rest of the scenario i will not discuss simply because it was uneventful and safe.  He took me back to my car and i never saw Him again.  i chose not to do that again with Him!

The second encounter with public humiliation was eerily similar – can Doms not come up with an original idea for public humiliation?

In NO WAY am i encouraging you to submit to public humiliation or putting yourself in the kind of dangerous situations i describe in my post.  

How many mistakes did i make during that scenario?

Always put Y/your safety first.

Humiliation can be public or private.  But it must be consensual!

Although i was embarrassed each time i submitted to public humiliation, i felt i was displaying my commitment to submission for everyone to see.

Now that i am more knowledgeable about BDSM, safety, and the practice of safe, sane and consensual kink, i am less likely to consent to public humiliation, and definitely will not get in a car that can be driven anywhere potentially putting me in danger.

Be safe!

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Have you ever consented to public humiliation?  If so, i would love to hear your story.  Share with me in comments ot PM me.  Thanks

30 Days to Define your Kink as a submissive – Day 28

Has your submission ever let you down? 
Yes it has.  submissives are a dime a dozen.  Most of the posts on FetLife and Recon.com are from submissives.  In that way my submission lets me down.  It would be so much easier to hookup, find a long term partner or have play sessions if only i was a Dom.  But, it is not my nature.  So, i continue to wait, update my profile and pictures, and try to integrate more into the Leather BDSM community.



Have you ever been criticized for your submission? 
The only real criticism i have received is the one i told Y/you about before.  It was the story of the guy on the hookup site bullying me because i choose to call myself a “boy”.  i retaliated and then blocked him.  Probably should have just let it go, but i didn’t.


Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? 
i have no regrets for being a bottom or submissive.  i have had great sex and some interesting events related to my being submissive.  Just a quick anecdote: we hosted a couple of gay Puerto Rican soccer players in town for a tournament. They spoke little to no English and i spoke no Spanish, but after my partner went to work the next morning one of the men came to my bedroom, got in the bed nude and proceeded to fuck the daylights out of me.  He was good looking and hung, uncut.  He sensed or somehow knew that i was a submissive bottom boy and would gladly allow him to do as he pleased.


Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that?
Oh, certainly.  i have made plenty of mistakes over the course of my life.  And continue to.  Each mistake or lapse in judgment was an opportunity to learn and grow…and hopefully to not make the same or even similar mistakes.  Several of those mistakes i have posted about over these past few months.  If Y/you are interested in learning from my poor choices, Y/you can read back through my earlier posts.

30 Days to Define your Kink as a submissive 

Day 25: Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?

i wrote before that one of the things i do – not sure i would call it a ritual –  is to always stand in a military “at ease” position with hands behind my back and head slightly bowed with eyes averted from any Dom who may be present.  Also, most of the time i wear a leather band on my right wrist as a sign to others and as a reminder to me that i am a leather submissive.

 i have no other rituals or objects used to express my submission.  It would be wonderful to be gifted an item from a Dom that is meant as a visible sign of my submissiveness. 



Day 26: What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

Qualities i seek in a Dominant are knowledge and experience in BDSM, a playful nature yet strict in His enforcement of protocol, duties, and the behavior of His sub, yet not aggressive or just plain ole mean under pressure or stress.

Deal breakers would be refusal to negotiate limits and preferences, and in writing a contract; a lack of interest or concern regarding training or for the nurturing of the sub; and having a tendency to being mean under pressure and taking out stress and frustration on the submissive. 



Day 27: Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

At this time, a “real” session, scene or play session have only been a fantasy.  i have had isolated activities and experiences, and even paid a Pro Dom to work out some fantasies, but i have never been approached by a Dom who follows through and has a real time play session from start to finish with me. 

The only thing that really confuses me or frightens me is the lack of opportunities for real time play.  i have not been able to make myself the kind of sub that is attractive to a Dom to even have Him approach me for play.  i fear i may never experience a full, real BDSM session.


Thanks for reading,

boy stray

30 Days to Define your Kink as a submissive 

Day 23: Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

Sometimes, especially when in the company of non Leather folks, i get twinges of sub shame and embarrassment.  At times, not too often, but occasionally i feel judged or pigeonholed as a leather sub who is passive, used, abused, and having no choice or say in what “happens” to me in a BDSM dynamic.  i don’t feel like going into educator mode explaining about roles, choices, contracts, negotiations, limits, safe words, and just admitting that the things that are “done” to me are done with my permission because all BDSM activities are between consenting adults.

As far as being resistant to an aspect of being a submissive i feel a bit of ambivalence regarding subs into piss and scat.  i described my foray into play parties last week, but the one thing i don’t think i mentioned was the piss boy who was stationed in the restroom.  he stayed in there the whole night and was given a donation of $5 by each person who wanted to piss on him or have him “drink from the tap.”  i really had to piss bad by the time i left the party, but I would not #1 pay $5 to pee, and #2 pee on someone who spent the whole night serving as a toilet.  i like the idea of 1:1 piss play but not in a situation like that.  Part of me felt sad for him, but i have to remember and remind myself from time to time that his kink is not my kink, but his kink is ok! 

Day 24: What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?

i think I am a happy, joyful submissive.  i am a long term service oriented caregiving professional having worked in healthcare for many years.  In ways that profession is one of submissiveness. Wanting to do for and care for others!   A service oriented submissive.  To put myself second – behind the person who is most important – whether that person is a Dom, or a patient.  To take care of someone well is a source of pride, satisfaction, and joy for me.  It instills a deeper sense of self worth and self esteem.

Will, Won’t or Maybe Mondays

This week I thought i would delve into a few things that tend to instill fear and anxiety in me, but nevertheless are intriguing.

Fire Play

Fire has been a fascination for me since i my days as a child bedwetter.  i would set different things on fire usually in the bathroom sink so I could quickly and easily dispose of the burning embers and ashes.  Thankfully i outgrew that without burning down the house.

Not long ago i observed a Fire Play demonstration at the local Leather bar.  The Dom was an expert at lighting afire various locations on the sub’s body.  It seemed fairly safe because He extinguished the flame within seconds.  i assumed that allowed for intense heat without actually burning the flesh.  There was redness afterward but the sub didn’t complain of lingering pain and no superficial burns were obvious.

If i were to do this i would make absolutely sure the Dom was a Master at fire play.  


Cigar Play

i have observed cigar play several times.  It involves the cigar the Dom happens to be smoking.  The sub was bound each time with his arms over his head and his feet spread apart – also bound.  The lit cigar was carefully brought closer and closer to the skin, first the nipples, then the chest and abdomen.  With the first sub the Dom touched the cigar to the sub’s metal nipple rings then to the metal PA jewelry in the sub’s cock.  The sub squealed with delight at the pain being induced. It was the same Dom in each of the cigar play demonstrations.  So, He was quite adept at this kind of play.  i would trust him to “light me fire” so to speak.  Someday i hope to experience this with that Dom.  

Knife Play

i was completely unaware of knife play until a coworker mentioned to several of us that one of His things was knife play.  I was immediately drawn to him, and to the subject at hand.  i was intrigued, and yet i also felt a twinge of fear at the prospect of having a knife held to my skin by a hot, hung, masculine Dominant.  i even contemplated a small cut here and there.  i suppose that gets into blood play.  Knife play i assume is more about total submission, inducement of fear, and equating that with the sexual component.

Gun Play

This is probably one of the activities i would NOT consent to doing.  i have a strong dislike and fear of guns.  i grew up with lots of them in the home, but i have seen the effects of accidental discharge of guns, and the aftermath of intentional shooting of innocent victims.  i know that even when the person handling the gun “knows” it has no bullets they have discharged, striking and injuring or killing people including children.  i fear accidentally being shot!

Breath Control

i cannot submit to breath control either.  i use to be able to hold my breath for a fairly long time, but after several bouts of pneumonia my lung capacity has diminished.  Also, the extreme difficulty breathing i had with each episode of pneumonia there was severe shortness of breath, so the thought of having my breathing restricted or controlled by another person is frightening to me.  i even have trouble with a gag of any kind shoved into my mouth.  This is a strong phobia for me.  

Rape/Abduction 

A seasoned Dom told me once that rape/abduction/gang bang scenerios were the most commonly verbalized fantasies of most submissives.  i too have dreamed of being wanted by someone so much that i would totally submit to being abducted and repeatedly “raped” even though it would be consensual Play.  Also, i have wanted to be desired so much that many hot Men would line up waiting their turn to pump me full of their cum while other men held me down.

However the Dom who told me that also said it is extremely hard for this type of scenario to be planned and executed.  Too many players involved for it to be adequately carried out.  Then there is the liability involved if there is an injury, or if the sub claims it was forced and non consensual.  But a boy can dream, can’t he?

Confinement/Caging

i suppose Y/you could call me a scaredy cat since i seem to fear lots of BDSM activities.  And again, while i would like to get rid of my fears, and submit to being confined or caged, i have trouble trusting anyone enough to give up that much freedom of movement.  i fear being caged and having the Dom turn out to be a psycho, or that he has a heart attack or stroke with no keys readily available for escape.  i realize the likelihood of that happening is remote, I still harbor those fears.
i would urge you to be very careful about hooking up with new Doms and submitting to any kind of edge play like the ones i briefly described above.  Always err on the side of caution.  If He is a reputable Dom He will want to play with you when a strong bond of trust develops between Y/you two.

Dungeon Party or Sex Party

Y/you may remember that i mentioned i was going to my first Dungeon Party.  Well it happened last night.  

i was excited but trying to not have too many unreasonable expectations.  i tried to be ok with playing or not playing…whatever happened would be okay.  i got dressed in my usual leather…boots, belt, vest, wrist band, 501 Levi jeans, and my hunter green bandana – right, back jeans pocket.   The look is complete!  Fresh haircut so i looked good and ready for my debut into the world of Dungeon Parties.

Since my club was co-sponsoring i got there early to help set up the bar and patio area.  An assortment of men started arriving 30-40 minutes before opening time.  But, where were the handsome, masculine Doms?  But, it did look like it would be a good turnout. 

i was excited to watch the Men arrive in all manner of dress and undress.  Since most of them were only wearing jocks, harnesses and boots it was hard to tell the Doms from the subs…or as i found out later, it was hard to tell the tops from the bottoms.  No flags because no back pockets.   Wrist and arm bands seemed only for decoration. Who were the Doms?  Where were the Doms?

i stayed on the patio area for a couple hours before i built up my confidence and courage to make a foray into the “dungeon”.  All i saw was plain ole sex.  Sucking, fucking, rimming. Where was the BDSM? Was a Dungeon party simply a sex party? Of course i watched a while taking in all the images.  But it didn’t really turn me on.  i was mostly frustrated.

Surprisingly most of the Men there were my age plus or minus 10 years.  The exception was a handsome, young sub that took his clothes off and got up in a sling.  Quickly he was surrounded by a sea of horny guys wanting to have their turn with him. There were erections that never went down — umm, chemically induced?  Nothing wrong with that, but a constant erection for hours is interesting to see and watch. Envious?  Maybe i was?  Yup, i was!

When i came out from my excursion there was a boy bound to the cross. The Dom was using a cigar to stimulate the sub’s nipples, his chest and abdomen. Then he began tapping the boy’s balls with a paddle alternating the intensity with each tap.  After a while the boy was turned around, re-bound to the cross and the flogging and spanking began. Very exciting to watch but felt a bit envious of the boy. Shoulda been me!

Later i learned that was one of two Demos.  The second demo was a really intense flogging and paddling scene. The sub stripped down to his jock and boots and was flogged and paddled for what seemed like a very long time.  In fact i got tired and decided to go home.  It was only 11:15 pm.  As i walked toward my car i could still hear that sub’s moans of pain & pleasure.

The next day i asked if all the Dungeon Parties at this venue were like this one.  The answer was yes, “they are mostly about the sex.”  “There are a lot of guys who come just for the sex.  That’s they’re thing.  They’re not into the BDSM at all.”

Sad.  Disappointed.  Where were the “real” Leather BDSM lifestyle Men/boys?

The search continues…

Shame on Y/you!

When i was a little boy, probably four or five years old, i was playing “doctor” with a boy who lived next door.  Don’t even know how i knew about surgery but we were pretending the zipper in our pants was an incision and cotton balls should be stuffed into the opening.  We were so naive that we were doing it in my front yard.  

Who knew at five years old that playing with the neighbor boy’s penis was wrong?  My mother saw what was going on and beat the shit out of me saying, “don’t you ever let me catch you doing that again!”  She didn’t realize that i focused on the word “catch” and carried that thought, fear and judgment most of the rest of my life.  She taught me to be ashamed of my body, my desires, my playfulness, and taught me that i shouldn’t get caught doing it.  

She didn’t catch me ever again.  But she did instill shame…a feeling i have lived with and worked on in therapy for years.  i was so suppressed sexually that i went underground to the places that most people classify as seedy, trashy, and maybe even disgusting.  i sought out sex anywhere and everywhere it could be found.  Adult bookstores were my go to places.  Loved glory hole action.  But it’s not the kind of thing you proudly proclaim to your friends – I sucked off five guys last night at the peep show.  

Also there were treks to the wooded area of the large city park where men who wanted a quickie  with another man would meander for hours cruising the bushes.  There were days when i would be pulled to go to the Public Library where the second floor bathroom was usually active.  Or the bathroom in the Humanities building at the university could be another option.  All this covert and shaming sexual activity came together over time making me label myself as a sex addict – medicating myself with dick to overcome sadness, low self esteem, depression, loneliness.  Who knows if it is a true addiction, but my sexual activities led to enormous feelings of shame and guilt, that in turn had to be medicated with even more dick.

i only got off that viscous merry-go-round when i got really sick.  But, the shame continued until recently, when i realized i was no longer full of shame for having been a bookstore queen.  How did that happen?  It just did!  i suppose with age came self forgiveness.  But, oh those years of angst and depression…what a waste of time.

Now as i work to come out as a Leatherboy i am having some feelings of fear, embarrassment, apprehension, and self doubt.  i don’t want to be labeled, judged, or pigeon-holed as a freak because i am drawn to intense sensation play, impact play, power exchange, submission and other forms of BDSM and Kink.  i want to be accepted for every bit of who I am including the kinky parts.

i feel like that five year old boy again afraid of being caught doing what arouses intense pleasure in me.  But, this time i am not afraid of getting a spanking; i relish the idea.  My fear now is a fear of being ostracized, separated from the people in my life that i love the most.

i have a question for you, my readers:  how do Y/you or did Y/you work through feelings of fear, apprehension, embarrassment and self doubt as Y/you explored Y/your proclivities for BDSM/Kink?  Have Y/you come out to friends or family, or do Y/you keep this part of Y/your true nature hidden from all but other Kinksters?
Thank you for reading,

boy stray