Pulse Remembrance and Gay Pride

Two events.  A week apart.  A year has flown by.  Yet for each person who had a loved one murdered at the Pulse Nightclub on June 12, 2016 each day likely felt an eternity during this one year.  my husband and i attended the Unity Rally in Fort Lauderdale on June 11th.  The attendance was good…but nowhere near what it should have been.  The usual political speeches and ecumenical representation by various religions and denominations.  The most gut wrenching, emotional moments came for me when 49 volunteers walked out each one holding overhead a picture of a Pulse shooting victim.  So very sad!

The following Saturday was the annual Stonewall Pride Day and Parade.  The weather, while hot, was at least not scorchingly oppressive and the rain held off.  Both pluses in my book.  Again I thought attendance was marginally okay, but, and maybe it’s me, but it didn’t seem raucously, outrageously, overwhelmingly fun this year.  Everyone seemed well behaved, descently dressed, and drinking in moderation.  There were no well known performers advertised.  The Grand Marshall of the parade was the lovely Sharon Gless, a famous actress from Queer as Folk & Cagney and Lacey.  

So two events.  A week apart.  One a day of sadness, anger, and calls for justice.  The second a day of joy and celebration for the current freedoms we enjoy, and calls to action to RESIST those efforts to take away our rights, and to fight against those who threaten us or seek to intimidate us.  Or even brutalize us.  We will not be silent.  We will resist!

Low T and me

i have low T – low Testosterone levels.  

Testosterone is a male sex hormone that is produced in the testes.  It is responsible for giving men their secondary sex characteristics, like hair under the arms, pubic hair, facial hair, etc.  It also allows men to increase muscle mass & develop semen.  It increases a man’s pride and self esteem.  And it counters depression and erectile dysfunction.

For many years i have used topical testosterone replacement therapy.  First, there was a cloth patch that had to be placed on the scrotum for the medication to be absorbed.  Then, there was one you rubbed on Y/your stomach and let dry before dressing.  Then, i was switched to a newer one that was applied under the arms.  It was a thin liquid pumped into a rubber cup provided in the top.  The order was for one pump under each arm.  Well, i thought if one pump was good, three would be better.  So, i was taking three pumps under each arm for about four or five years.  But man was it messy!

However, i regrew hair under my arms!  Hallelujah!  i was ecstatic.  i finally was feeling like a real man again.  But, my dick was getting weaker, and less firm with each passing year.  Loss of muscle mass.  Changes in mood.  Changes in self esteem.  Low sex drive.  But the limp dick was the thing that makes me cry!  i was always driven by my dick.  i got hard if the wind blow a certain way or if a hot man just touched me or even gave me “the look”.

i cycled through all the ED pills.  Vitamin V/the blue pill/Viagra worked the best.  Cialis gave me excruciatingly painful backaches.  i wasn’t able to sit or lay down.  i could only stand, but even then the pain remained intense and unrelieved by even the strongest pain medication.  Then, the pills stopped working.  I graduated, unfortunately, to TriMix injections.  For those of you unfamiliar with that, it is a shot that you give yourself in your dick!  You aim straight in to the side at the base, inject, and Voila in a couple minutes you have a nice hard dick.  Downside – you have to know you are about to have sex; you have to stop foreplay to get, prepare and inject the shot, and then, you have about one hour before time runs out and deflation sets in.  And as with the pills if the erection lasts more than four hours you must see a doctor immediately to obtain treatment to prevent possible permanent injury to your dick.

ED causes depression, low self esteem, and in my case decreased feeling of manhood/masculinity, insecurities, decreased feeling of attractiveness.  Even as i write this i get tears in my eyes.  It causes great sadness.  Gay Men DO NOT want people especially other men to know they “can’t get it up.”  I had sex twice (with different guys) where my shot only produced a bright red chubby.  No hardon!  Both guys said, “I wish you could get hard!”  That only put more pressure and insecurity and embarrassment on me.

i told my urologist i occasionally get nocturnal wood (nighttime erections), but not when i need one.  So, he thought there was a psychological component to the ED.  i saw a sex therapist.  No hardon!  i got erotic massages.  No hardon!  i went to sexual workshops, including the BDSM one written about in a previous post.  No hardon!  i sought out a Sacred Intimate to work with me on the problem.  No hardon!  i went to a few ED doctor’s offices to learn about the Priapus shot.  Too expensive!

i turned to a men’s clinic that treats ED and low T.  One of them injects small pellets of testosterone that slowly absorbs over four to five months.  The other just did shots in the butt.  Both were very expensive!  However, the second one i went to did an in office testosterone level.  It came back at 35.  Normal is 250 to 1100.  He said it was the lowest he’d ever seen.

So, i turned to my HIV doctor.  He repeated the testosterone level.  This time it was 56.  i immediately started Testosterone Cypionate 100 mg IM to be administered weekly.  Funny thing, within 20 minutes of getting the shot i developed two itchy  welts on my arm and one on my thigh.  i called the doctor’s office and left a message.  But, before I could take Benadryl they were gone.  Maybe a reaction to the cottonseed oil it is mixed in.  We’ll see if i have anaphylaxis on Thursday.  Still no hardon!  

i think that is the whole reason i didn’t enjoy my free weekend.

If you learn only one thing from my story it should be to Get Y/your testosterone level checked especially if you are over forty years old.

Thanks for reading, and wish me luck on Thursday 

boy stray

While the Cat’s Away, the mouse Might Play

my husband is out of town with friends enjoying a huge gay annual event (Gay Days in Orlando) filled with sun, pool parties, evening activities, concerts, and yes, probably lots of sex!!

But i am fine with that.  In fact i encouraged him to go so i could have some free time to go out and immerse myself into the Leather BDSM and Kink community. And maybe, just maybe, i will hookup with a Dom for a play scene.

my first free night was Thursday.  i planned my night, cleaned up – inside and out – just in case, and dressed in nice jeans, leather themed black tee shirt, and my leather bar vest.  

Uber got me to the bar between 9:30 and 10 pm.  i know…kinda early, but it was a school/work night.  i thought men would be out early.  The bar’s theme night was a “bulge” contest at midnight.  Surely i could moderate my drinking, cruise hot leather men, and socialize till the contest began.

As i walked into the Ramrod i saw the bar was sparsely populated, but there was a cute “Bear” seated across the bar.  He gave me The Look!  So i situated myself a couple seats from him and ordered a beer.

Mistake!

He was a BIG talker.  He was a bottom.  He said he wanted to suck my dick and have me spank him.  He was really drunk.  He did buy me a beer and a shot of bourbon.  Then, he suddenly leaned/fell toward me and stuck his tongue in my mouth.  Hmm.  What to do? Am i desperate?

Then, his partner arrived and i took the opportunity to hurriedly excuse myself.  

Friday night i pondered three choices.  i thought of going to a kind of fun, but seedy neighborhood bar, or to the a gay men’s sex club, or to a bathhouse catering to more mature men.  Friday was all about getting laid!

So, i ended up watching the last two episodes of The Amazing Race on Cable that i had missed.  And i was in bed by 11:30 pm.

i started writing this post this morning, Saturday, 6/3/17, which will likely show as the post date.  However, i have two more free nights of planned debauchery. 

Tonight there is an extremely popular monthly themed party at the Leather bar, The Ramrod, called Pig Dance. i AM going!  i AM going!  i will have to take a bar nap this afternoon so i am not to tired to go.  But, i AM going!  That’s my mantra for today.

The last Pig Dance i attended a few months ago had hundreds of hot men in all manner of dress and undress – from full Leather down to just a jock and boots.  They were all ages probably 20 to 80s, bears and twinks, hairy and smooth.  It was a smorgasbord of man meat.

i have no doubt the bar will again be packed to the rafters and even spilling out into the rear patio and the front parking lot.  It’s a dizzying aroma of sweat, male sex pheromones, booze, and cigarette & cigar smoke.  And the cacophony of thumping music and loud conversations will be deafening. But what fun.  The atmosphere is highly sexual and energizing. 

i went!  It was crowded and loud and smoky.  It was everything I expected.  But, i, i, was so uncomfortable in my own skin, in my own Leather, that i had one beer, walked around once and left about thirty minutes later.  Then, i took Uber to another bar, a small neighborhood bar, but it is actually situated in a commercial area.  It was busy.  When i walked in all the guys turned to see the new meat arrival.  i was cruised by a couple guys, but again i was bored and went home after about forty five minutes.

my mood and self esteem were low.  i wasn’t really sure i wanted to go out and probably shouldn’t have.  But, to counter the loneliness and insecurity I could have/should have asked one of my buddies to go with me.  But i didn’t!  

Those little tapes that play over and over in our heads sure can fuck up an otherwise great time.  

Sunday was my Leather boy’s club meeting.  i went and was upbeat and talkative.  Short meeting.  A couple of us went for a drink.  Enjoyed myself.  i thought i might go to a sex club Sunday night but didn’t – i shall tell Y/you why in my next post! 

Sorry to be a Debbie-downer this post.
Thanks for reading,

boy stray

House Rules for New subs

Reposted and edited with permission from the Blog bdsmforvanillas written by thesexresearcher.  Thank you!

When you get a new submissive, one of the things you can do to ensure that things run smoothly is to create a set of rules. Rules must be adapted to each individual D/s relationship, but here are a bunch of rules you can choose from or use as inspiration.

General Rules:

  1. The submissive shall not lie.
  2. The submissive shall NOT consider “Nothing” as an appropriate response to “What’s wrong?”
  3. The submissive shall be respectful at all times
  4. The submissive shall not manipulate Dominant, or any situation, in order to achieve their own personal objectives.
  5. The submissive must wear their “collar” at all times.
  6. The submissive’s clothing is subject to the inspection and approval of Dominant.
  7. The submissive shall execute and complete all requests made by Dominant in the manner and time frame they set forth, and agreed upon by the submissive.
  8. The submissive shall discuss with Dominant all decisions of any significance.
  9. The submissive shall submit a journal entry to Dominant each day.
  10. The submissive shall not fear discipline from any matters contained in their journal.
  11. The submissive is always to act in a manner that reflects positively upon their Dominant.
  12. The submissive shall not misuse their safe word. It is appropriately used only at times in which they feel their personal safety, either physical or mental (including fear), is compromised.
  13. The submissive shall refrain from using profane language at all times.
  14. The submissive shall always make physical or eye contact with Dominant when Dominant enters a room.
  15. The submissive must let Dominant take care of them.

Daily Routine:

  1. Before leaving  home every day, submissive must be wearing an item of ownership.
  2. Each morning, sub will write Dom’s name somewhere on sub’s body. Condition – If they are together, Dom will write their name on sub’s body each morning.
  3. Each evening, sub must write an e-mail to Dom describing in detail everything that they plan to wear the following day. Or if together, then let them pick out your outfit. Must include: undergarments, outfit, jewelry, perfume.
  4. Every day after work, when female sub changes out of her work clothes, she must insert the Ben Wa balls into her pussy and wear them until bedtime. She must wear the ben wa balls for all social, exercise, yoga or work out activities.
  5. Every night submissive must masturbate.

Grooming/Hygiene/Body care:

  1. Submissive will adhere to any preference Dominant might have regarding whether they shower or take a bath.
  2. Submissive will adhere to any preference Dominant might have regarding whether they bathe or shower at night or in the morning.
  3. Submissive will also adhere to any preference Dominant has to which body lotion or perfume they use after they bathe/shower.
  4. The submissive will attempt to avoid disease. Should any medical issue arise, the submissive will inform Dominant immediately.
  5. The submissive must brush and floss teeth daily.
  6. Hair must be groomed each day.
  7. Submissive must exercise for a minimum of 30 minutes each day.

Mental:

  1. Submissive must thank Dominant cheerfully
  2. Submissive will never hide their feelings or thoughts from Dominant.
  3. Submissive will apologize whenever they have erred.
  4. Submissive will never hide their tears from Dominant.
  5. Submissive will not borrow trouble and will not worry about things that are out of their control.
  6. Submissive will accept all punishments, knowing they are out of care and/or love.
  7. Submissive will never (or rarely) speak badly of themselves, or there will be consequences.
  8. Submissive will go to therapy, take medicine, or whatever the Dominant says if they have mental issues like anxiety or depression.

Communication:

  1. Submissive will send a “good morning” text to let Dominant know they are awake and to remind them of plans for the day.
  2. Submissive will let Dominant know whenever they leave the house.
  3. Submissive will not pick up their phone and answer it when Dominant is talking to them, unless Dominant says otherwise.
  4. Submissive will ask permission to speak freely when they believe Dominant is making a wrong choice.
  5. Submissive will always address Dominant as “Sir”, or other name both have agreed on. And keep their eyes respectfully lowered. Unless agreed to not do this.
  6. If submissive is concerned that they will deviate from an expectation they are to inform Dominant at once. Preferably before.
  7. Submissive will ask permission to make purchases that they or Dominant do not “Need”.
  8. Submissive will always come to Dominant with any concerns that they have. Submissive will not be afraid to talk to Dominant.
  9. Submissive will respond to text messages from Dominant in a reasonable amount of time or explain why it took so long to answer.

Household:

  1. Submissive will keep the household in presentable order
  2. Submissive will keep dirty laundry to a minimum
  3. Submissive will fold laundry (without complaint)
  4. Submissive will wash dishes everyday (Dishwasher)
  5. Submissive will feed dogs and do their training every morning
  6. Submissive will cook meals at least 3 times a week

Sexual:

  1. Submissive will have sex when Dominant sees fit, unless health prevents them from doing so. Submissive will let Dominant know when they are not feeling well enough for sexual activity.
  2. Submissive will never touch their self in a gratifying way or pleasing way outside of Dominant’s presence or unless they have obtained Dominant’s consent.
  3. Submissive will never touch a toy unless instructed to do so.
  4. Submissive will always thank Dominant after play, or sexual use.
  5. Submissive must also ask permission to orgasm.
  6. If submissive is given instructions regarding masturbation prior to asking, they must follow those instructions to the best of their ability.
  7. If submissive wants to buy a new sex toy they must show Dominant so they can make the decision together.
  8. While in the scene, the submissive will not speak unless to say their safeword or unless the Dominant says they can.
  9. Submissive may ask for a particular sexual act before starting the scene, but not during.
  10. Once the scene has started, the Dominant has full control and expects full cooperation from submissive.

 

 

 

 

 

Two Ways to Finding Y/your Authentic Self 

Becoming authentic is an individual mission, since each person has their own way of being human, and consequently what is authentic will be different for each individual. Furthermore, personal authenticity is highly contextual, and depends on various social, political, religious and cultural characteristics. But the unique nature of each individual is best seen not in who he is, but in who he becomes, and becoming authentic is a continuous process, not an event. It involves not just knowing oneself, but also recognizing others and the mutual influence between individuals. If the quest for personal authenticity is just for self-fulfillment, then it is individualistic and ego-based; but if it is accompanied with the awareness of others and the wider world, then it can be a worthwhile goal.     From Philosophy Now

Have you ever pondered, “who am I/i really?”  “Who is M/my authentic self?”

Well, i have many times over the years.  It seems as we grow and change, our relationships evolve or end, we move, and find new careers and new lovers, our authentic self changes too.  Authenticity seems to be a hard and never ending quest because people are continually evolving, growing and changing.

Finding Y/your authentic self is about being honest with Y/yourself, being self aware, being humble, and listening to feedback from others without getting hurt or defensive, and then internalizing the feedback that resonates with Y/you.  Those of Y/you who do seek a more authentic self will likely become a happier, and more creative person.  Also, some psychologists say authenticity can lead to improved coping strategies, a stronger sense of self worth, more self confidence, and a higher likelihood of following through on goals.

Don Miguel Ruiz writes in his book The Four Agreements that “our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive and express what we really are.”

As soon as i read that statement i immediately thought about those of U/us living or attempting to live O/our authentic selves, what W/we really are – or are into (KINK or BDSM).  W/we in the Leather BDSM community reportedly have healthier relationships because of the degree to which we have open, honest communication between the people involved prior to establishing a formal relationship or agreeing to a play session.  For there to be open and honest communication Y/you hopefully have done some sort of personal inventory of Y/your life identifying Y/your wants, needs, desires, likes, preferences, and goals, as well as those things Y/you want to avoid, not experience or exclude from Y/your life.

In order for Y/you to begin identifying and understanding Y/your most significant personal values, i have included the list and exercises below:

Step 1: What I/i Value Most…

From this list of values (both work and personal), select the ten that are most important to Y/you – as guides for how to behave or as components of a valued way of life.  Feel free to add any values of Y/your own to the list.

Achievement                                                                Friendships                           Physical challenge

Advancement and promotion                                  Growth                                   Pleasure

Adventure                                                                     Having a family                  Power and authority

Affection (love and caring)                                       Helping other people         Privacy

Arts                                                                                Helping society                   Public service

Challenging problems                                               Honesty                                Purity

Change and variety                                                   Independence                    Quality of what I take part in

Close relationships                                                   Influencing others             Quality relationships

Community                                                                Inner harmony                  Recognition (respect from others, status)

Competence                                                               Integrity                             Religion

Competition                                                              Intellectual status             Reputation

Cooperation                                                              Involvement                     Responsibility and accountability

Country                                                                     Job tranquility                  Security

Creativity                                                                 Knowledge                         Self-Respect

Decisiveness                                                            Leadership                         Serenity

Democracy                                                              Location                              Sophistication

Ecological awareness                                           Loyalty                                 Stability

Economic security                                                Market position                 Status

Effectiveness                                                         Meaningful work              Supervising others

Efficiency                                                              Merit                                    Time freedom

Ethical practice                                                    Money                                 Truth

Excellence                                                             Nature                                 Wealth

Excitement                                                           being around people who
are open and honest        Wisdom 

Fame                                                                       Order (tranquility,

stability, conformity)             Work under pressure 

Fast living                                                            Personal development                                                     Work with others

Financial gain                     

Freedom                                                                                                                                                            Working alone

Step 2: Elimination

Now that Y/you have identified ten, imagine that Y/you are only permitted to have five values. Which five would Y/you give up? Cross them off.

Now imagine that Y/you are only permitted four. Which would Y/you give up? Cross it off.

Now cross off another, to bring Y/your list down to three.

And another, to bring Y/your list down to two.

Finally cross off one of Y/your two values. Which is the one item on the lst that Y/you care most about?

Another way of identifying Y/your authentic self, is to ask Y/yourself the following five questions:

  1. When Y/you were little, what did Y/you want to be when Y/you grew up?   W/we all had dreams when W/we were little, but people get sidetracked from T/their dreams by status, money, responsibility and life.  Picture Y/yourself in Y/your childhood dream.  Do Y/you see that smile and positive energy?  That could be Y/your life.
  2. What makes Y/you laugh?  Laugh at what Y/you find funny.  Who cares if the person next to Y/you is laughing.  Laughing feels good, makes U/us happier people and sets U/us free to enjoy the life W/we are living.  Laughter is a powerful tool that can change Y/your mood and perception of what is happening in the moment.  Enjoy the smile and the feeling of happiness rising inside of Y/you.
  3. What clothes do Y/you feel comfortable in?  This is a serious question.  It doesn’t matter if Y/you like dressing in suits every day or prefer cotton shirts and no shoes, wear what makes Y/you feel comfortable.  i am not suggesting Y/you run naked through the streets or Y/your office, but clothes are a way of expressing Y/yourself and what Y/you wear should be comfortable and should reflect the true Y/you.
  4. What activities do Y/you enjoy?  Discovering these activities will help guide Y/you towards a place where Y/you want to spend time.  By finding and immersing Y/yourself in this place, Y/you will feel happier and more energized.  Ultimately Y/you may find that Y/you want to work in that place, or at least create the possibility to spend more time there.
  5. Who can Y/you be Y/yourself around?  W/we are social creatures by nature, so it is important to spend time with people who make U/us feel good and accept U/us for who W/we really are.  When W/we are with people who do not judge U/us but accept U/us, then W/we are able to express O/our authentic self.

Once Y/you discover Y/your authentic self, Y/you can start to make changes in Y/your life that allow Y/you to be this person.  It is time to face those fears and start Y/your journey toward being Y/your authentic self.  Y/you will be astounded by how Y/your life can become fuller, richer, and happier.                   (Edited from http://www.mindbodygreen.com)

i have changed over the years but one thing has remained a constant even though for years it was a closeted self, so i can’t claim to have been living my authentic self.  That is my love and affinity and passion for the Leather BDSM/KINK community.  In my closet Days my fantasy men were leather clad masculine Doms.  i enjoyed it when a partner was more aggressive, rough, or Dominant.  i was really turned on by the slaps to the ass some men would deliver.  i knew who my authentic self was i was just not able to let him out at the time for various reasons.

my responses to the questions above:

i like men in leather and uniforms; i feel comfortable in Levi’s, boots, leather; i enjoy and feel more comfortable in masculine atmospheres like Leather bars and Leather BDSM gatherings and events; i like BDSM & Kink & Fetish activities; and i can most be myself – my real, authentic self around other Leather BDSM Men/boys.

Dreams Eventually End by Awakening to a New Day

my dream of beginning a new life in a new country with a new lover has come to an end. i woke to a new day released from the tight grip depression had on me.  i realize my life is not dark and repressive as i had built up in my period of sadness and self pity.

i actually like most things in my life even if some aspects need a healthy nipple tweaking and adjustment.  

So what turned my thinking and mood around?  First, a slight increase in the dose of an antidepressant medication. Second, a great therapist who referred me to a Codependence Anonymous group.  And third, meeting with a religious leader to discuss her views of aging, declining health, accumulating multiple illnesses, death, whether or not God exists, and the purpose of life.  i gained a new perspective, and felt that grip of depression loosening. 

i ended my long distance online fantasy relationship. And, i am working on regaining some power and a voice in my existing long term relationship. 

Dreams and fantasies are wonderful.  They add hope, excitement and vigor to life. But, W/we do eventually have to wake up and come back to reality.

Therefore, it is incumbent upon U/us to find O/our joy, O/our purpose, and O/our happiness. No one else can give them to U/us.

If Y/you find Y/yourself getting stuck, feeling increasingly sad, isolating yourself, or recognizing that Y/you are depressed, please seek help. Find a therapist to help Y/you identify and work on issues.  If Y/you need medication intervention see a psychiatrist as well.  Depression is a common form of mental illness. And it is highly treatable.  Get help if Y/you need it!

Thanks for reading,

boy stray