Limited Activity Choices & the Deal Breaker

A couple months ago a Leather Sir contacted (cruised) me on recon.com. W/we messaged back and forth for a couple weeks and made a date to play after extensive dialogue about preferred activities, & soft and hard limits. He was completely honest that his primary interest was anal fisting. And i was totally forthcoming about my bout with anal cancer last year and my inability to submit to more than aggressive finger fucking due to scarring and easily torn tissues. Sir acknowledged my plight, and agreed again to meet, so O/our play date was reconfirmed.

The night before our play date, Sir texted my phone that He had sudden, unexpected, out of town company staying with Him, and would therefore need to cancel the date. He also said He was leaving the country for nearly a month, but that W/we would definitely set another date upon His return.

So, on the fifteenth of September, the day Sir was due back, i emailed Him, and W/we re-established O/our online conversation. W/we set another date to meet for play. But, His questions to me seemed to show a lack of memory of O/our previous conversations about O/our likes, preferences, and hard limits. i repeated my medical history and again disclosed my fears regarding fisting. However, despite that hard limit, Sir continued to say He wanted to meet. He even listed a number of other activities He enjoys that W/we could do. Another date was set for the near future.

A few days before O/our 2nd planned (and my much anticipated and needed) play date Sir contacted me saying His activity of preference is Anal Fisting. And since i was not able to do that one thing He canceled our date. i simply wrote back, “ok”.

Not getting fisted was a deal breaker! Or was it an excuse? Is His BDSM repertoire that limited?

Have any of Y/you, my readers, ever experienced this Y/yourselves? Is Y/your preferred activities list that short? If so, how do Y/you ever find another person to play with?

Oh, don’t get me wrong. There are definitely things i greatly enjoy, and others that can be done that i might just like a bit…that i can take or leave. But to require every SIR to do one particular thing to me, or it’s not happening, just seems arbitrarily self limiting, and is a way of keeping most Sir’s away.

Personally i keep trying to expand my “Will Do” list of activities in order to attract more attention, and to be more appealing to a greater number of gay, masculine, Dominent, Top men in my area.

Write in and tell me if Y/you have a required activity during BDSM Play, or the session gets canceled. What is that activity, and why so important to Y/your play?

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

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Naive & Gullible, a Dreamer, or Just a Sucker

If memory serves me correctly over the last ten months i wrote about my dalliances into possible romantic and/or BDSM connected relationships. None has panned out i thought primarily because they were long distance romances. It is extremely difficult to keep a long distance relationship going without a strong commitment, openness, honesty, and having interests in common.

Recently the sucker (me) was being reeled in once again until i remembered similar words and phrases not typically said by American or for that matter British men in an online context. i had enjoyed being contacted on recon.com by the handsome middle aged man in San Francisco who found me attractive and my profile enticing. Then, several days and several texts later, i read, "dear, I've missed you dear". This was very similar to the phrasing my last Nigerian?? scammer used. So, i immediately blocked and reported the person to recon.com.

Since this has happened more than once i think my forehead and profile must have a sign reading, "sucker available". And i am not implying the good kind of sucker…a cocksucker.

So, why does this keep happening? i suppose i should just chalk it up to the thousands of professional online scammers out there preying on the lovelorn, and the seemingly desperate older love seekers. They know what to say, how to compliment, how to get the victim to talk about themselves while sharing little information about themselves. After a couple weeks of stringing the victim, the patsy, along, the scammer asks for a relatively small amount of money for something extremely important. If the patsy sends the money, they will likely send even more as they are strung along.

Red flags that Y/you May Be the Target of a Scam:

  • Stilted English used by the person in text
  • Incorrect use or inaccurate stating of idioms
  • Using terms of endearment very quickly such as "dear"
  • Quickly professing love to Y/you
  • Offering many compliments
  • Conversation that is actually superficial – lacks depth and equal amounts of personal sharing
  • No response to specific questions Y/you might ask someone with whom Y/you are seeking a Relationship
  • Requests for a new picture be taken at a well known site in their city will be ignored or another pic of the person they are representing themselves to be will be stolen from the Internet
  • They will ask for money and only Y/you can help them with this problem or situation
  • They suddenly cut off communication if questioned or the money is not sent

Look for these clues with every strange new person who contacts Y/you on a dating or hookup site.

Be safe, don't be a victim –

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

My Dungeon of Despair 

Still waters run deep is a saying i have heard since i was a young fellow – maybe early teens.  In the weeks since i last posted many things began swirling in my mind and body.  i realize that on the surface I tend to appear calm, peaceful, passive and shy, but my true spirit runs deep in my soul.  

i noticed that without a Dom Leather BDSM life can be downright boring if not nonexistent.  i have tried to keep a connection online through FetLife, the Leather Kink site Recon.com, and even on the site Adam4Adam.com which occasionally has some kinky men online.  i wear my leather wrist band all the time except showering or doing dishes.  It’s a constant reminder of who i am, and where i want to be.

my therapist keeps hitting me with the earth shaking idea of separating from my partner of many, many years.  He keeps pointing out the codependent nature of the relationship, the subtle yet harmful ways the partner’s actions and inactions could be considered domestic abuse even though there has never been physical abuse.  It tends more toward emotional, psychological, and financial.  The codependent in me will not let me make that leap even though it would probably be for the best.  So, the therapist wants me to fill out a grid with the pros and cons of leaving on top and the pros and cons of not leaving on bottom.  This is supposed to open my eyes wide enough to leap out of the marriage.  But, i will likely remain in my dungeon of despair no matter what the grid shows.

Still waters run deep…i keep everything suppressed.  Thoughts, feelings, desires, dreams, fears, everything is smushed down and is held back with a giant valve.  Infrequently it lets off a bit of steam through bursts of anger, sarcasm, tears, or depression.  Then the valve gets tightened even more.  Some days i feel my head might explode because i am living a lie and lying to live peacefully.  i lie so much i don’t even know who knows what parts of me and my story are true — except you, my readers.

i long to live a life in leather.  To be collared.  To be an open, proud submissive.  To date, to cruise, to go out when i want to, to have sex when I want to, to have the friends i want to have, to invite my Leather friends to my house whenever i want to, to spend or save money the way i want/need to, to be able to be a nudist in my own home, to get an erotic massage occasionally, and just to masturbate when, how, and where i want to, and to eat when, where and what i want to.  Sounds simple, doesn’t it?

Although i don’t see me having a big breakup scene, or just leaving unannounced someday i am working toward becoming a stronger person and taking a stand against the strong, but subtle control he has on me. Only time and a stronger ego can tell what may happen.

On a lighter, happier note i hired a Life Coach.  He is helping me set goals for my life, working with me to potentially enter a career that will not tax me physically.  He is holding me accountable to the goals we set at each call.  i am moving toward a career in Life Coaching as well.  Many coaches work via telephone or Skype or even Zoom conference rooms, so there would be no need for an office, or to commute or to hold a routine 8-5 schedule every day.  i am taking a course to become certified and hope to begin working as a coach in the next month or so.  Hope i get loads of Leatherfolk as clients!  i highly recommend Life Coaching if you are stuck in some aspect of your life.  
Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Real Online LDR or Real Prick Tease

My marriage is not perfect, but whose is?  We’ve only been officially married 2 1/2 years, but have been together 37 years.  As i related in a previous post we had a drastic estrangement last September when it came out how deeply i was integrating into the Leather BDSM Kink lifestyle. 

Over the years i have been told repeatedly by a series of therapists to end my relationship because of codependence and ongoing difficulties between us.   However, i couldn’t leave, and didn’t want to.  There was love, friendship, companionship, compatibility, lots of history with both ups and downs, illnesses, near deaths for each of us, many family member’s deaths, and most of our friends had died of AIDS.  And of course the codependence!

The major thing missing from my life and needs seemed to be a healthy (and kinky) sex life.  But now, i feel i need a deep emotional and passionate relationship to go with the hot sex life.

For years i have been on many gay hookup sites looking for those brief anonymous, wild and passionate hookups.  Unfortunately, it mostly ended up just being picture perusal and an occasional chat, but very seldom any hookups.

Last week a new app notice appeared in my email inbox, so i thought i would give it a try.  Within a couple of hours of getting the app & submitting my profile, my first email arrived. It was from a handsome man, 52 years old, BUT he lives in another country. His message was very sweet and special so i responded.  i have to say i also got a dozen more messages from guys all over the world that i deleted immediately.  

This man, a doctor – he says – and i have texted several times daily every since we first met.  Some of his story made me wonder if he is being truthful.  According to him he is in a special military unit as a doctor – an email was sent to me from a medical related email, so i tend to believe that. Yesterday he said he was being sent to a middle eastern war zone country  – and then later he texted his google location, & sure enough it shows he is there in the thick of the fighting. Yipes!

i look forward to each text.  i am fearing for his life.  i am praying he returns to the safety of his home country soon.

The big caveat  – he has proclaimed his love for me already and states he wants to be together and that the distance can be overcome if there is enough desire to continue the relationship. 

So, i am having an emotional affair. It feels much different from the infrequent sexual hookups i was having.  i am not saying i feel guilty, but i worry that i could end up being a prick tease for my doctor/soldier/lover man.  I have not told him about my relationship status, physical problems or HIV status, but he hasn’t asked either.

i have fantasized about moving to his European country escaping my current life.  But, i know, well…i think i know it is just a fantasy.  i do not want to hurt my husband.  I couldn’t move to another country while my father is still living. Of course, we would have to meet in person to test compatibility, sexual compatibility, and see if he truly has a BDSM side as he indicated in his online profile. He did say he is versatile and tends more submissive.  Hummm. 

Tell me now, am i in fantasyland? Could it really work out?  Am i infatuated?  Is it budding love?  Am i wanting an escape route? Or am i being a prick tease?  

Y/you can be honest.  What do you think?

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Enlightenment and Happiness 

my BDSM workshop was far beyond my wildest dreams, hopes, and imagination.  The two and a half days were filled with camaraderie, education, and assignments to evoke deep thought about D/s play and relationships, demonstrations, and hands-on practice of everything taught over the weekend.  

There were twenty gay and bisexual men ranging in ages from 30’s to 75.  All sizes, shapes and penis lengths were represented.  Unfortunately one thing i noticed was an absence of African American men.  Asian and Latino men were minimally represented.  So, it was mostly middle aged and older white guys.

W/we bonded quickly through a series of “getting to know you” exercises, and then the rest of the weekend was spent primarily naked and extremely close to each other.

Saturday i was put into a rope harness for the first time.  It was an exercise to instill a sense of submissiveness into each participant.  Then, W/we learned how to spank and use a flogger.  W/we each gave and received both.  i quickly learned, or more accurately had it reinforced, that I am a submissive, because I did not enjoy flogging others; it did not excite me in the least.  However, i did like giving a spanking for a short time.  However, W/we had to spank for 45 minutes using all three positions: over the knee, on all fours, and froggy.  Man, did my arm get exhausted.  The position i liked best was froggy.  i could easily see his butt, legs, back and head.  i had easy access to his ass for spanking.  i could watch as his cheeks turned from pink to Rosie Red.

The flogging practice with me as the sub was so intense.  i kept having flashes of white lights over and over.  Then feelings began to well up in me and i had this overwhelming sense of happiness to the point of having tears in my eyes.  They were definitely tears of happiness and not from pain.  i felt joyful.  i had found something I want and need as a part of my life going forward.  Yes, I felt the sting and thud of the flogger.  Yes, i felt each blow as i was simultaneously spanked. But, i was happy that i had finally experienced what i had longed for and dreamed of for years.  They were indeed tears of happiness.  

Sunday, we learned about another type of rope bondage harness as well as the use of clothes pins for tit torture (or stimulation) and cock and ball bondage, balls weights, and CBT – cock & ball torture.  i was blindfolded, bound with the rope, cock tied up, and clothes pins applied – and I felt nothing.  I could hardly tell the clothes pins were on my nipples.  Others were applied elsewhere with the same minimal stimulation.  Weights were carefully tied to the cord binding my cock and balls.  Then, lowered slowly.  After several seconds i asked if they were on as i felt – nothing.  They were indeed on.  They proceeded to parade me around the room, ball weights swinging, and the feeling of submission and helplessness constant.  Then, the flogging, spanking, and CBT began.  It was the CBT that made me weak in the knees.  The sensation was intense, stimulating, and teasingly erotic.

Later we discussed desire.  Expressing what you desire and getting it, or negotiating for a compromised desire.  And then acting out your desire.  W/we each were assigned to come up with a fantasy we would like to have happen that afternoon.  In groups of three we all had our desire met, then functioned as the Top, and then as the assistant for another man’s desire.  As my fantasy desire was being met and the two men acting out my fantasy were yelling, mocking, and jeering me, the room seemed to have emptied completely except us three.  No other sound could be heard or action felt by me, except what was taking place in my scenario.  i did not see colors this time – only blackness.  But even in the darkness, and the quietness of the room i became aware of a feeling of enlightenment.  Now, i think i must have felt the authentic me amidst the intense pain/pleasure of that experience.

The marks and redness from the flogging and spanking quickly resolved, but the warmth and internal glow of happiness, awareness, authenticity, and enlightenment continue to burn eagerly in my soul.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

It Finally Happened

Lots of texts messages, titillating electronic conversations, planning and scheduling happened between the Dom and me. 

Then, it finally happened.  Schedules aligned, His health was stable, my fears were lessened and my desire for a real BDSM play session was the only thing i could think of.

i was ordered to wear leather.  i did.  i arrived exactly at the designated time. When i walked into the condo Sir was seated on the sofa wearing a black SIR t shirt and red nylon shorts.  Also, He was tethered to a really long oxygen tube.  i stood at attention awaiting directions, orders, the offer to be seated or the offer of a drink.  I received none.  He proceeded to talk, and talk, and talk.  Approximately an hour later i was shown the balcony area and the bedroom…And a walkin closet full of leather vests, pants, covers and caps, an extremely heavy full leather jacket and dozens of t shirts.  Then, i was shown the toy box filled with everything you could think you might need.  A flogger and paddle hung on the wall.

By now i had been there going on two hours.  And so far no sex, no play, no nudity, and not even a drink of water. 

He decided it was time to play.  Mostly He was feeling up to deep kissing which was very sensual and a big turnon.  Also, He was into receiving oral sex.  He did return fellatio with a bit of genital pain included…a nice touch.  He did do some impact play while He was being done – such as hard slaps to the pecs and ass slaps.

He wanted desperately to get off, but could only accomplish that with intense pain to His nipples.  i bit one so hard i feared severing it or at least inducing severe bleeding. The other nipple i gripped tightly, pinched and twisted as hard as i possibly could.  He exploded in relief.

In the post coital conversation He said He was more bottom, a pain pig, wanted to get fucked, couldn’t be with a total bottom, and how much He relies on intense pain to reach orgasm. This is everything i am and the opposite of what i want in my Dom.

He is a Dominant who is a sexual bottom??

i am confused.  Disappointed. 

i want a Dom who is a Top – a total Top.  He may have been a sub bottom before, but now He needs to be exclusively a Top. i am a bottom, a sub bottom.  Not a switch.  Not versatile.   A Bottom.

Saturday He texted wanting to flog me.  i wanted to in ways, but made up an excuse so i wouldn’t have to go.  i remain disappointed that He is the opposite of what i want/need.  i need to be honest with him but i am not sure i can be.  But, i will try.

boy stray’s quest continues…

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Getting Back on the Horse

i have always heard “if you fall off a horse, get right back on it!”

So, that’s what i hope to do.  i have chronicled my ups and downs searching for a Dom, a play partner…just someone with whom i could relieve this intense pent up need and desire.  Then out of the blue i sent an innocuous ‘smile’ from a hookup site to a Dom.  He responded favorably.  W/we emailed quite a bit. Then i gave Him my cell number so He could text me.  W/we have texted nearly every day for a week.

From O/our conversations W/we believe W/we are each other’s “type” meaning overall looks, likes and dislikes, and similar fetishes and kinks.

However, He is recuperating from a serious illness which has left Him weak and easily fatigued.  The stars aligned next week for U/us to meet socially to size each other up, discuss in more detail our BDSM likes, hard limits, begin negotiations, and if all goes well set up a play date as His health will allow.  Originally W/we were going to hookup Wednesday night, but i reached out to do the social interaction first, then proceed if all goes well.

Y/you never know.  There might be a funny vibe that is felt, or a word or phase that strikes you as concerning or a red Flag warning.  Everything I read says to follow your gut feeling.  If anything seems strange or out of the ordinary end the interaction.  Also, I read not to meet socially and end up at the person’s place the same day.  Too risky.

i am trying not to expect too much, or to begin planning O/our Leather wedding, but i do hope a mutual friendship develops as a D/s relationship of sorts with periodic play that meets both O/our needs.

Early in my Blogging i wrote a post about “Someday He’ll Come Along”, and He was a knight on a white horse. This time my imagery is of myself trying to get back on the horse since my earlier posts about a potential budding relationship between a Master and me told how it went down in flames, and how it made me feel.

What i think i am slowly learning from that experience is that if someone says you are not their type, or they don’t have time to deal with you, or you begin to feel you are being played, ignored or used, or your relationship actually ends…there is someone else out there for you.  Y/you may kiss a lot of frogs along the way but someday He’ll come along.  You just have to be ready to get back on that horse.

Last night W/we spent about six hours texting about life, health, kink, relationships, what each of U/us is looking for, and even some titillating texting.

W/we moved up our meeting to today.

W/we had lunch together.  He liked me and wants to play!

Thanks for reading,

boy stray  

30 Days to Define your Kink as a submissive – Day 28

Has your submission ever let you down? 
Yes it has.  submissives are a dime a dozen.  Most of the posts on FetLife and Recon.com are from submissives.  In that way my submission lets me down.  It would be so much easier to hookup, find a long term partner or have play sessions if only i was a Dom.  But, it is not my nature.  So, i continue to wait, update my profile and pictures, and try to integrate more into the Leather BDSM community.



Have you ever been criticized for your submission? 
The only real criticism i have received is the one i told Y/you about before.  It was the story of the guy on the hookup site bullying me because i choose to call myself a “boy”.  i retaliated and then blocked him.  Probably should have just let it go, but i didn’t.


Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? 
i have no regrets for being a bottom or submissive.  i have had great sex and some interesting events related to my being submissive.  Just a quick anecdote: we hosted a couple of gay Puerto Rican soccer players in town for a tournament. They spoke little to no English and i spoke no Spanish, but after my partner went to work the next morning one of the men came to my bedroom, got in the bed nude and proceeded to fuck the daylights out of me.  He was good looking and hung, uncut.  He sensed or somehow knew that i was a submissive bottom boy and would gladly allow him to do as he pleased.


Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that?
Oh, certainly.  i have made plenty of mistakes over the course of my life.  And continue to.  Each mistake or lapse in judgment was an opportunity to learn and grow…and hopefully to not make the same or even similar mistakes.  Several of those mistakes i have posted about over these past few months.  If Y/you are interested in learning from my poor choices, Y/you can read back through my earlier posts.

30 Days to Define your Kink as a submissive 

Day 25: Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?

i wrote before that one of the things i do – not sure i would call it a ritual –  is to always stand in a military “at ease” position with hands behind my back and head slightly bowed with eyes averted from any Dom who may be present.  Also, most of the time i wear a leather band on my right wrist as a sign to others and as a reminder to me that i am a leather submissive.

 i have no other rituals or objects used to express my submission.  It would be wonderful to be gifted an item from a Dom that is meant as a visible sign of my submissiveness. 



Day 26: What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

Qualities i seek in a Dominant are knowledge and experience in BDSM, a playful nature yet strict in His enforcement of protocol, duties, and the behavior of His sub, yet not aggressive or just plain ole mean under pressure or stress.

Deal breakers would be refusal to negotiate limits and preferences, and in writing a contract; a lack of interest or concern regarding training or for the nurturing of the sub; and having a tendency to being mean under pressure and taking out stress and frustration on the submissive. 



Day 27: Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

At this time, a “real” session, scene or play session have only been a fantasy.  i have had isolated activities and experiences, and even paid a Pro Dom to work out some fantasies, but i have never been approached by a Dom who follows through and has a real time play session from start to finish with me. 

The only thing that really confuses me or frightens me is the lack of opportunities for real time play.  i have not been able to make myself the kind of sub that is attractive to a Dom to even have Him approach me for play.  i fear i may never experience a full, real BDSM session.


Thanks for reading,

boy stray

30 Days to Define your Kink as a submissive 

Day 23: Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

Sometimes, especially when in the company of non Leather folks, i get twinges of sub shame and embarrassment.  At times, not too often, but occasionally i feel judged or pigeonholed as a leather sub who is passive, used, abused, and having no choice or say in what “happens” to me in a BDSM dynamic.  i don’t feel like going into educator mode explaining about roles, choices, contracts, negotiations, limits, safe words, and just admitting that the things that are “done” to me are done with my permission because all BDSM activities are between consenting adults.

As far as being resistant to an aspect of being a submissive i feel a bit of ambivalence regarding subs into piss and scat.  i described my foray into play parties last week, but the one thing i don’t think i mentioned was the piss boy who was stationed in the restroom.  he stayed in there the whole night and was given a donation of $5 by each person who wanted to piss on him or have him “drink from the tap.”  i really had to piss bad by the time i left the party, but I would not #1 pay $5 to pee, and #2 pee on someone who spent the whole night serving as a toilet.  i like the idea of 1:1 piss play but not in a situation like that.  Part of me felt sad for him, but i have to remember and remind myself from time to time that his kink is not my kink, but his kink is ok! 

Day 24: What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?

i think I am a happy, joyful submissive.  i am a long term service oriented caregiving professional having worked in healthcare for many years.  In ways that profession is one of submissiveness. Wanting to do for and care for others!   A service oriented submissive.  To put myself second – behind the person who is most important – whether that person is a Dom, or a patient.  To take care of someone well is a source of pride, satisfaction, and joy for me.  It instills a deeper sense of self worth and self esteem.