Ten Things a Dom Expects a sub to know without being told

(This Blog Post is being reposted from The Gay Boy Bible on Tumblr)

“i reblogged a wonderful piece a few days ago, “ten things a sub expects a dom to know without being told.” A really good piece, strong and thought provoking.But as is so often the case here on Tumblr, the emphasis is the same as it is in a porn flick: “It’s all about the girl.” So I decided that this called for a counterpoint to balance the dialectical scales and possibly even spur some discussion. Those who have read the piece I reblogged will recognize some of these 10 items as being more or less identical to the items in that piece. This is by design, and is intended to emphasize that so much of the glue that holds a D/s relationship together is reciprocal.

And so without further ado …

“ten things a dom expects a sub to know without being told”

1. He needs to be the priority. Your Dominant cannot be put in the corner and trotted out when you need him. Make him your priority even during those

times when you think you DON’T need him. Because the truth of it is, even during those times, you secretly do need him, you just aren’t consciously

aware of it.

2. He has emotions and needs them acknowledged. The internet (and Tumblr is especially egregious in this regard) has created the toxic stereotype of

the Dominant as this calm, cold, unemotional Olympian figure who is always as in charge of himself as he is of his submissive. Many a submissive has

run screaming into the night at the sight of her Dominant having a moment of weakness, or self-doubt, or — The Horror! — shedding a tear. Accept that

your Dominant is human, and respect the effort he exerts to be strong and confident for you 99% of the time.

3. Know him better than others. If your Dominant is having emotional difficulties, or even something as “insignificant” as a bad day at the office, you damn well better know it before his friends do.

4. Let him control things (including you). That is his responsibility. Yours is to obey.

5. Abide by the rules. Your Dominant constructs various rules, tasks, rituals, etc, for a purpose. That purpose may not always be obvious to you. It doesn’t have to be. Trust that he knows what he’s doing, and accept the fact that submitting to his rules on a daily basis is just plain hard work. If you’re not willing to put in the work, then you should do some soul-searching and evaluate how deep (or even genuine) your submission really is.

6. Remember that he is yours. This is always reciprocal. Just as he expects your total devotion and commitment and fidelity, you have the right to expect those things from him. To be clear, this is not the same as taking your Dominant for granted. Just as he has to earn those things from you every day, so you also have to earn them from him every day.

7. Appreciate the work he puts into you, and let him KNOW that you appreciate it. Being a dominant (especially in a day-to-day rather than sporadic relationship) is damned hard work. Let him know how much it means to you that he considers you worthy of all that work and direction and energy.

8. Be mindful of your respective positions in the D/s relationship. He is your Dominant. Can you be affectionately playful and impish? Yes; any Dominant who doesn’t relish such from his submissive on occasion has some significant self-confidence issues. Sarcastic or willfully bratty? Not a good idea. Not a good idea AT ALL.

9. Give the same respect you get. If he shows you that, despite the way your relationship might look to the vanillas, he holds you in the highest respect, then return that respect. If you come to the conclusion that he does NOT hold you in the highest respect, you might want to evaluate your relationship and possibly move on.

10. Above all else: he expects your submission to be whole and complete and without reservation, save for those things that the two of you negotiate as equals BEFORE you offer him your submission. Once you submit, he has full right and claim to ALL of you. You don’t get to cherry pick your submission. You don’t get to submit in just those areas where it’s convenient. You don’t get to submit just when you’re in the mood. There are no half-measures with your submission. If you can’t honestly say to yourself that you are all-in, then accept the fact that this means you’re not in AT ALL, and decide what to do about it.”

Advertisements

Horn Dog

Lately, i’ve become quite a horn dog. I seem to be looking for and getting lots of hookups. But, i am not going to gloat, because i’ve had more than my fair share of long, dry spells.

The recent encounter i thought i would tell you about may be off-putting, uncomfortable, or anger inducing to some people because of the subject matter, i.e. kink involved. But, let me be the first to say i abhor child sexual abuse. And i say that as a survivor of repeated sexual abuse by an older male cousin when i was between the ages of 9 and 12.

Recently, i met a man online who fancied himself a bit of a mental health therapist who specialized in child sexual abuse/incest. i admitted to him that i had been abused as a child. So, he wanted me to “process” what had happened to me in a session with him. i have to admit i was intrigued, and a bit titillated by the scenario since we connected on a gay hookup site.

So we agreed that within the hour i would come to his place, make myself as comfortable as i wanted to be (naked), and to lie on the bed in the direction indicated by the pillows.

I drove over, walked in and went straight to the bedroom as directed. i completely undressed, because…well, i hoped i was going to get fucked.

i laid down with my head at the foot of the bed. A few minutes later i heard steps approach the bed, then pass by to a nearby chair. The “therapist” told me to begin my story of sexual abuse from the beginning.

i told him each of the occurrences i could recall. i also admitted that although it was non-consensual, and i clearly was being abused by an older boy, it did feel good and that i had gotten an erection each time from the abusive encounter. Also, i told the therapist that the last abusive encounter occurred at an age when i was capable of cumming, so i stopped the cousin from masturbating my penis before i ejaculated by pretending to be asleep, and turning over in the bed away from my abuser.

Then, i talked about childhood mutual sexual play with friends and boys in my neighborhood. Then he stood up and told me not to be concerned as he placed a sheet over by face. He took his clothes off and got in the bed beside me.

i reach over and grasped surprisingly, a large, uncut cock. He went down on me for a bit, and then tried really hard to get that big, fat, uncut dick up my tight asshole. It hurt, but he went slow. He was gentle. He was determined and so was i — to a point. About 3/4 of his at least 8 inches were in, but the pain and fear of tearing caused me to stop him.

Without a word he got up, dressed and left the room. i got up, dressed, left the house and drove home.

Remember: my kink may not be your kink, and that’s ok.

While this encounter was bizarre, it was also cathartic. i have to say that i had never openly admitted to another person that i was aroused while i was being abused. That it felt good. And in my confusion over the conflicting feelings of the abuse (shame, fear, anger) and the sexual arousal, i had erotic dreams about this cousin for years afterward. i even considered contacting him to entice him into a consensual sexual encounter numerous times over the years.

Child sexual abuse fucks up a kid’s brain. It messes up their ability to feel things normally. It destroys self esteem. It induces lifelong shame. It can cause promiscuity and sex addiction.

i should know. Been there. Done that!

This post is in no way meant to glorify, justify, encourage, or normalize child sexual abuse.