A Kinky boy in a Vanilla World

i just got home from an evening out on the town to celebrate my husband’s birthday.  i dressed in nice vanilla drag…i mean dress casual with my new black jeans on.  Of course i wanted to fit in with our friends who dress gay casual…jeans, tee shirt, and sneakers.  But i had to honor my kinky side by wearing my wide black leather belt and a jock strap.  Instead of my combat boots i wore black leather dress shoes.  

First we went to dinner at a very expensive restaurant where the food was fantastic.  Then, we went bar hopping to 3 different gay establishments.  One was what we in the gay community have always called an S & M bar….meaning stand and model.  Everyone looked basically the same.  Jeans, sneakers and tee shirt, muscles and little to no body hair.  But there were a few guys dressed up in their best gay GQ getups looking all out of place with their brightly colored eyeglass frames, blazer jackets, dress shorts or slacks, and of course a fedora cocked on their heads.  These GQ guys looked as out of place as I felt in this club.  

Next, we walked down the street a bit and went into a piano bar.  It was subdued and gaudy with everything being stark white, even the piano, except lots of faux silver candelabras on every flat surface in the bar, and some even hung on the walls.   Each candle had that fluttering flame shaped piece of material with the orange light that kinda makes it look like a real lit candle.  This place was t-a-c-k-y!  It was filled with “older” gentlemen in their fine preppy clothes.  The pianist was a campy gay guy who was extremely enthusiastic as he sang, but had a little glint of crazy about him.  We just stood there for a couple tribute songs to singer George Michael. We didn’t even get a drink.  Then we scurried down the street (it was a frigid 58 degrees in South Florida) to another bar.

This was a dance bar.  Two levels and two separate rooms – one a bar where you could actually hear the people talking and the other a bar with a dance floor filled with big hairy men, little hairy men, and some men in leather.  All ages were represented .  I think there was an octogenarian with his shirt off, leather harness on, tight blue jeans and wildly dancing, like he was 30 years old again.  He was having a fantastic time.

 It must have been Bear night, or even Leather or fetish night.  The Bears, Leathermen and leatherboys in their harnesses, boots, vests and tight jeans were so hot.  We stayed quite a while; i couldn’t get my eyes filled enough with the images i am so comfortable with and attracted to.  Hot sweaty masculine men packed the dance floor.  Gyrating, men cruising other men, and smiling, and singing along with the music videos…having the best time ever.   

It’s great to be alive!

i could smell that familiar musky, sweaty, cigar smoke covered manhood before me.  i just wanted some big burly hairy Dom to carry me out to his F-150 and drive me to his dungeon.  

i did not want to leave this bar!  Really i wanted the three people i was with to leave and let me stay to drink in the images and smells of hyper-masculinity. Ah, fantasies keep me hopeful that one day  it all will become a reality.

How do i cope with living in a vanilla world?

Great question!  i seem to have two separate identities conjoined at the heart with no one on either side knowing the real totality of me…the true person i am in my heart.  i live two lives.  There is my Leatherboy, BDSM/Kink personality that likes Leather bars, dungeons, playrooms, XXX movies, Pro Doms, erotic massages, sex in risky places and the pain/pleasure that comes with it all.  i do all that as covertly as possible.  However, i have stopped hiding my bags of kinky toys at home.  

Then, there is the vanilla personality. he stays home doing the dishes, straightening up the house, caring for the animals, paying bills and attending religious services every week albeit in a gay church.  he wears clothes to fit in to the mainstream gay community.  he sits home most nights watching television.  But, he secretly checks hookup apps that cater to his kind of men and his preferred activities, writing my Blog on his IPad, or even texting Pro Doms and potential sex partners.  Sex, BDSM and kink ever present in his mind.

That’s my story for today.  These are my/his struggles daily.  Still searching for the answer to be revealed about how i can blend my personality with His to become one authentic person living proudly as a leatherboy.

I’d love to hear how you cope with the dichotomy.
Thanks for reading,

boy stray

2017 is Coming

i am so looking forward to 2017.   This year has been very difficult and i am hopeful that next year is better.

2016 started like all New Year’s celebrations begin for me.  i always have a bit of sadness and feelings of loss for all my friends who died of AIDS in the 1980s and 1990s. And, i experience joy and excitement for all the possibilities that may unfold for us.  I have hopes for improved health.  Hopes for a continued stable income that meets my needs. Hopes for love and happiness for my family.   And, Hopes for greater balance in my life.

And, i hope to find a Dom this year!

Every time i say that this was a hard year, i am reminded that i survived and remain upright as opposed to six feet under. That’s true, but it doesn’t negate the fact that i had a roller coaster of a year.

You see this year in February i was diagnosed with of all things anal cancer.  i didn’t have to go through surgery but i did have two rounds of chemotherapy and 28 days of radiation treatments.  My last treatment was on April 20, 2016.  i won’t belabor the point of how hard it was but will just say radiation burns are excruciating in the anal area.  It took about 4-5 months for the burns to heal and the GI disturbances to become manageable. Then, on October 20th, exactly 6 months after radiation treatment ended i found myself in an ICU with fever, horrible GI problems and a critically low blood pressure.   i was in ICU for 5 days. It wasn’t until i got home that i was told i nearly died.  Having no other explanation for the sudden onset of a critical illness, most of my doctors blamed the radiation complications.

You may be wondering how i reacted when i got the initial diagnosis in February.  i had been diagnosed with anal dysplasia (abnormal cells) about 18 years earlier.  So i was expecting to get the cancer diagnosis any time…it was always lurking in the background. i wasn’t upset.  I didn’t get angry or cry. i just said, “ok, so what do we need to do?”

i have about 5 other major health problems as well, so i just looked at this cancer problem as just one more diagnosis.  i tell people that i am a collector of diagnoses.  They don’t believe me till i list them all.  

i am not telling you all this to scare you or have you feel sorry for me. As i wrote in an earlier post, i keep rising from the ashes like a Phoenix. I continue to live, thrive, & enjoy my life in spite of my challenges. 

One note though- men: please request an anal PAP test annually. You do not have to have anal sex to get anal area HPV.  Women get your annual PAP smear, and ask to be tested for HPV.  

Early detection and treatment saves lives!



The Master, an update

i wrote about my attempting to develop a Master/slave relationship with The Master.  I was checking in daily with Him as ordered, but hadn’t gotten a response till this afternoon.  He ordered me to send a full front torso picture, which i did.

He did not respond.  I messaged him three times over the next 18 minutes.  The system indicated He had looked at the picture.

What does that mean?  i immediately turned it inward and felt judged, rejected, and embarrassed.  i went immediately to self body shaming. Then after a few hours i turned it around.  Perhaps He was called away from His computer or phone due to work or family responsibilities.  Maybe there was a loss of power due to winter storms.

Or maybe i was rejected because of my body.  

i have been dumped from conversations before online after sending pics.  Now, i am not ugly!  My body is a bit…a little thick in the torso from having HIV for 33 years.  (Maybe i will tell you more about that later).  My legs and arms are a bit thin but not skeletal.  i know i need to go to the gym and not just drive by them, and i will soon.  But, all in all i look pretty good for what i have been through.  This year alone was extremely difficult.  (More later). 

Back to this Master.  At first when i didn’t get a response i apologized for my body appearance.  The next message was a short explanation of my body.  The last one I proclaimed my pride in my looks.  If He has no further contact with me so be it.  If He does contact me again…well, i will be grateful for His attention and our continued vetting of each other.

i do hope He is a bigger and better man than the impression i was left with today.  Trying hard not to jump to conclusions too quickly.

i would love to hear Y/your comments, questions and if Y/you have suggestions or constructive criticism please share that in the comments section or PM me any time.
Thanks for reading,

boy stray 

boy stray is a true submissive/bottom/slave

i was reading another blog this morning and the blogger put the results of her BDSM test on her blog.  Although i have taken the test 3 times before, it reminded me to take it again.  I take the test about every year to see in what ways i have changed.

Well it seems i have changed a great deal in the last year.  i am, as i state in the title of this post, a submissive, bottom, slave!   i ranked submissive at 100%.  Y/you can’t be a bottom…a submissive, much more than that.  i think this degree of change is largely due to my coming out more as a Leather “person,” meeting other Leather submissives and being around more Doms/Masters.  Also, i have been reading a lot of books about Leather sex, how to be a leather boy, and about being a slave to a Master.  It has intrigued me, drawing me further into the world of BDSM.  My true nature IS coming out FINALLY.  i love calling a Dominant, SIR!  Although i mostly avert my eyes when in the presence of a Dom, if i do make eye contact with a Dom at the Leather bar i would be very happy to buy Him drinks, light His cigar, and do as He orders me — in the bar.  i would try to hold back and not rush to His dungeon.  i wouldn’t know Him at all really and would not have had time to vet Him to make sure He is known in the community and believes in Safe, Sane & consensual play.  i have read time after time to take care and be cautious about hookups with strangers.  Y/you DO want to come out alive!!

But, i digress…

my score for each archetype on the BDSM SCALE is shown below.

100%      Submissive 

99%        Rope bunny 

97%        Exhibitionist 

95%       Degradee 

95%       Experimentalist 

93%       Slave

91%       Primal (Prey)

89%       Non-monogamist 

86%       Masochist

70%       Voyeur

54%       Girl/Boy 

49%       Brat

40%       Age player

40%       Pet

5%        Vanilla

2%       Sadist 

1%       Brat tame

1%       Daddy/Mommy (A good reason not to call me Daddy or Papi)

1%       Degrader 

1%       Owner 

1%       Primal (Hunter) 

0%      Dominant

0%      Master/Mistress

0%      Rigger

0%      Switch

So, Y/you can clearly see i am a submissive with strong slave leaning tendencies.  Or as W/we use to say when it was acceptable to say, “i am a BIG OLE BOTTOM!”.  i just crossed the PC line with that statement and if i offended Y/you, i do apologize.  However, if W/we take back that statement, get rid of the stigma and bottom shaming, we empower ourselves as bottoms and as submissives.  As i have said many times, without “Big ole submissive bottoms” there could be no Tops/Doms/Masters!

To see the full color results of my test results go to http://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=3408549

That will show Y/you how the test results look.  After checking that out click on the View my PDF.  It gives an explanation of the results and how i fared on the comparison to others who have taken the test.  If Y/you do look at it Y/you will see that my results are probably skewed slightly toward being a submissive.  A few percentage points lower won’t change the facts about who i am.

To take the test go to http://BDSMtest.org

Furthermore, you can view my Slave Registration number that i obtained nearly two years ago.  i have been asked about the significance of having the number, and what it means to me.  i suppose in actuality it has no meaning.  But for me it gives me an official date of when I finally decided to begin my coming out process.  It was the first time i documented my being a big ole bottom or more accurately a submissive…on paper via the Internet, and not on my back in countless bedrooms across the country.  But, more than it just being a piece of paper it declares my desire to live my life as a submissive, or even a slave, in service to a Dom/Master.  i have a definite date January 24, 2015, and the “proof” for a Dom that this is not new for me and that i am not playing games.

If you are interested in seeing how Y/you shake out on the Dom/submissive scale take the detailed and anonymous online test.  And if you test AND feel you fall in or near the submissive/slave category you can register for a slave number at http://www.slaveregister.com

Let me know if Y/you take the test and where you fall on the spectrum of sexual kink and BDSM.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Is There Balance in Y/your Life?

                                   

Recently i did a questionnaire online that measures your balance in Life.  This is something i think about frequently…every time i drive by a gym, balance the checkbook, sign up for another online course, plan a vacation, or go to another appointment with one of my doctors.  What i found is that i have no balance!

How about you?  Do you have balance in each of these 8 categories?  

What i do is put numbers 1 to 5 equidistant starting with #1 at the inside circle.  #1 could be:  not addressed at all in my life – area of concern or N/A if that is even possible.  

#2 poor – needs significant evaluation 

#3 fair – not bad, but could use some attention 

#4 good – doing pretty good

#5 excellent – totally balanced in this category.  Keep up the good work
Okay? So, what’s this got to do with BDSM and Kink?

i believe Leather, BDSM & Kink can and probably does extend to most if not all of these categories.  

Life Planning

Finances – hopefully Y/you have adequate and a stable income and are comfortable, and on safe housing.  Leather is expensive as are the implements used for pain and pleasure.  Also, consider the money Y/you spend in bars, for admittance to play parties, and travel to national or international Leather contests, and other weeklong events for the BDSM community. 

Time Management 

Y/you must balance Y/your home life and career, as well as setting aside the time for learning new BDSM skills and for actual play.  Y/you can set goals for what you want or need to do; what you want to accomplish in the realm of Leather and BDSM.  Also there are considerations regarding changing jobs, moving to a new city, changes in income or in family dynamics.  Have Y/you thought about aging as a Dom or sub?  How will aging effect Y/your play, your desirability and feelings about Y/your looks changing?  

Let me tell Y/you- aging in the gay community is hard, very hard.  It is youth and attractiveness driven in most of the sub communities.  As an aging submissive i can attest to the fact that it is very hard to find a Dom or Master – younger or older.  Aging Doms as well as younger Doms have it much easier than older subs, because there are SO MANY subs out there.  Doms can practically pick any sub they want!  Also, mature Doms (Daddies) are sought out by submissives for they looks and experience in the BDSM community.

Spirituality 

i have heard and read that BDSM can have a spiritual component for some M/men while playing.  Spirituality also encompasses life purpose, stewardship within the Leather BDSM community and O/one’s morals and ethics.

Health

It is always better to be physically fit, eat healthy, reduce stress, and living as healthy as possible.  There is a high prevalence of HIV in the gay community.  W/we must take personal responsibility as HIV positive M/men when playing.  No one wants to infect another person, so take precautions and learn about disinfecting Y/your toys.  Learn about PREP which decreases likelihood of transmitting HIV.  Moreover, since some BDSM activities are dangerous and can cause harm or injuries, Y/your life and health could be significantly impacted.  Have emergency and first aid equipment readily available, just in case…

Work

How does Y/your Leather BDSM life intersect with Y/your work life.  Are Y/you out at work?  Does Y/your lifestyle effect Y/your career plans?  If Y/you consider BDSM as work Y/you have to develop the necessary skills as well as leadership abilities.  boys can be and are leaders in many communities.  submissives look to their Dom to be assertive and the leader in play and in an established household.

Social

The Leather BDSM community relies heavily on friends and community, because of the stigma and fear people have regarding the M/men and W/women who participate in BDSM activities.  Also, the community is a small (or is it) subset of the general population.  Friends and community mean a great deal to us.

Development 

This life balance category has to do with life long learning (BDSM) and skills development.  Furthermore, It includes reading , self esteem and general fulfillment in life and in the Leather BDSM community.

Recreation

Art and music in general and bar music and erotic pictures of hot Leather M/men. literature- learn Leather history, read about BDSM activities and how to become a better Dom/Master or submissive. Travel could be a vanilla type vacation or a trip to IML or CLAW, etc.  keep your sense of humor – laugh at mishaps (non injurious) in the Dungeon.  Have fun and enjoy Y/your BDSM play and life in Leather.

Family (birth or chosen)

How does Y/your lifestyle effect or intersect with Y/your parents, children, spouse and other relatives?  Are you out to them about your kinky sex practices?  i included spouse in the list because i am in a long, long term vanilla relationship.  I’ve been a closet Leather sub for many years, but because of a really difficult year i decided to work toward coming out.  All was well and good – spouse not yet aware of my proclivities.  Then a text message inadvertently meant for a BDSM friend was actually sent to my spouse.  To say he exploded is an understatement.  We are still somewhat estranged.  But i have continued and increased my coming out, making more friends, going to Leather events and classes and no longer hiding my growing Leather BDSM library.

Me…well i am about a 2 or 3 on every one of the eight Life Balance categories.  i consider myself a work in progress.  i am praying for a better 2017 than 2016 has been.  

Work to get Y/your life in better balance.  Y/your mind and body will thank you.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray 

If Y/you are in the Fort Lauderdale area checkout the new BDSM Social and Mentoring Meetup i am putting together.  It’s on meetup.com.