Polyamory

i learned a couple weeks ago that a friend has entered a polyamorous Leather BDSM relationship.  i saw Facebook posts of the three of them a few weeks ago, but just thought they had become fast, new friends.  I guess in a way they have.  I met the sub in the primary couple in the summer.  The Dominant i met in about October.  Great guys.  They both are good looking, look good together, and both are sexy, hot, experienced Leathermen.

i saw that my friend was wearing a “training” collar as kind of a commitment to the couple to see if their situation might become a permanent triad relationship. Of course i am happy for all three of them…they do look great together and seem very happy.  Part of me is jealousy….Green!  The friend is new to Leather and BDSM from what he has told me, and he has the audacity to already find himself in a potentially fantastic Leather triad relationship.  Of course i do have to say he is twenty years younger than i, is tall, goodlooking, muscled, and has a great personality.   He is, you might say, the whole package!  And i do wish them much luck, love, pain/pleasure, if that is what they seek together.

i, on the other hand, have been actively searching for a Dom for at least a year and, no luck so far.

Years ago i wanted a triad relationship.  i had a friend back in my home state who was a bear and he was in relationship with two other bears.  It was a hot mix of fur, that i was horn-dogging to be in the middle of at the time…never happened though.  It does seem a great premise, a polyamory relationship.  Three or more incomes, hopefully more men to regularly have sex with, one mortgage or rent payment, and even more friends as each brings their “besties” to the poly’s realm of friendships.  All positives!

Since being on a couple Leather BDSM Facebook groups i have read about a lot of other people being in poly amorous relationships.  Wonder how adding a third person comes up in general conversation between the primary couple?  Were they always sexual explorers, adventurous and communicative about their fantasies and needs?  Did it come up because one couldn’t fulfill the high sexual demands of the other?  Did they discuss it as a way to save or keep their relationship going?

In heterosexual triads why does it always seem to be a male Dom with two submissive females?  I would like to see a Domme with two submissive boys.  That could be hot!

But there can be problems or concerns in these kinds of relationships.  Some people have trouble feeling that anyone could love them, let alone have two or more partners that love him equally.  There may be feelings of anxiety about whether they would have the time and energy for a third person.  Would adding a third person allow ample time and energy for other family members & friends, or for work or school?  There may be fear that a break-up with one person would lead to a break-up with the other.  They may worry about whether the partners would get along, or whether one of them would feel neglected or left out.  Are they all getting their physical, emotional, sexual, financial and spiritual needs met?

Other things to consider before entering into a poly relationship:

How will the triad relationship be structured?  Will the relationship with the third, or fourth person be romantic, platonic, or sexual.  Will all people involved have sex with everyone else in the relationship?  Is it a monogamous or non monogamous triad?  If non monogamous, that would add potentially a lot more sexual contacts and  relationships into the situation.  Is the relationship going to be considered a serious, long-term one, or one that is temporary in which plans for the distant future are not made by all partners.

 How, oh, how do you tell your family of origin that you:

  • are gay
  • are into Leather BDSM/Kink
  • that you and your long term partner have decided to add one or more men to your relationship?

i don’t know about you but coming out gay and then as having HIV/AIDS was way hard enough.  When my husband found out my renewed and intense interest & commitment to Leather and kink he blew a gasket.  If i were to say i want a triad relationship he would probably have a stroke, or run for his life!

Exploring Polyamory

“Having an idea about what you want your relationship to be like allows you to figure out whether it’s something you really want.  Maybe your expectations aren’t very specific.  Maybe you’re not 100% sure about what you do want, but you know for sure what you don’t want.

That’s okay. Take your time to figure it out! It’s not important that you know exactly what you want from the beginning of the relationship. But it’s important that you communicate about your expectations to your partner(s).”

Quoted from:

http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/01/polyamorous-dating-consider/

This is just what i have been thinking about this week.  What is on your mind?  What have you been thinking about?

are you in a Polyamory relationship?  If so i would like to hear from you.  Tell me about it.  Did i cover some good points, or do I miss the mark this time?

thanks for reading,

boy stray

 

 

Will, Won’t or Maybe Mondays

Today i am beginning a weekly Feature Post that will present a new BDSM/Kink activity that you may or may not have ever heard of.

These activities are taken from checklists you can find online through any search engine.  The checklists are intended to be used by Dominants and submissives PRIOR to playing to determine each other’s HARD limits, soft limits, and to identify those activities that each person gets into.  Below is an explanation of one i like.  A short list of other checklists are listed below for you to search on Google.

There are two answers for each activity that i will introduce weekly.  First you will evaluate your preferences; your desire to do or not to do each one.  There are six possibilities:

  1. No, I won’t do that for any reason
  2. I will, but only if ordered to do it
  3. Yes, Sir, I will since you asked
  4. Yes, I will, but slowly & gently
  5. Yes, I will occasionally
  6. Yes, I will anytime/all the time

The second half of each answer pertains to your experience level and has four choices:

  • Never tried this
  • Tried this once
  • Tried this more than once
  • Do this ALL the time

The first activity i am discussing is ABRASION

In abrasion play the Dominant uses something rough to “wake up” and sensitize the skin of the submissive.  It can be done anywhere on the skin, but preferences my be the buttocks, breasts/chest, abdomen or thighs.  The Dom can use wire or bristle brushes, a toothbrush, Emery board, wool or steel wool pads, or even sandpaper.

After the area is deep pink or red, and the skin very sensitive the Dom may want to intensify the feeling by dripping a little hot wax on the area, or simply dragging a rough fingernail through the braided area.  Either will have the sub squirming.

When doing abrasion play there is a risk of breaking the skin and causing bleeding.  This the becomes a portal of entry for infection, or as a source for spreading HIV, Hepatitis or other infections.  You (the Dominant) may want to wear gloves and have a first aid kit handy just in case.

Abrasion Play – been there, done that

Disclaimer:   A Toilet brush was great for abrasion and to a degree humiliation, BUT make sure you use a new brush or at least one cleaned/sanitized thoroughly with bleach to prevent infections.

Short List of BDSM Checklists 

CEPE Checklist (Archived)  www.cepemo.com/checklist.html

Scene Negotiation Checklist from SM 101 by Jay Wiseman   https://occs.cs.oberlin.edu/~dockhorn/jay.pdf

Latches   http://latches.webslaves.com/checklist.htm

Ambrosio’s Site         http://www.evilmonk.org/a/checklist.cfm

BDSM Education        http://www.bdsm-education.com/checklist.html

DomSubFriends:  seems to be a comprehensive informational site     http://domsubfriends.com/1home.shtml

The Iron Gate         http://www.the-iron-gate.com/essays/17

Seekers (.pdf)        http://www.seekers.org.uk/BDSM%20CHECKLIST.pdf

BDSM Learning Center     http://brian618.whyayh.com/mirror/bdsmlearningcenter/basics/beginners_kit.html

50 Shades of Curious       http://www.50shadesofcurious.com/negotiation/

Soul’s Haven                                                                           https://www.scribd.com/doc/72457921/Soul-s-Haven-Printable-BDSM-Checklist

Night Thunder International                                                                                     http://www.night-thunder.info/bdsm/bdsm-checklist.html

 

Next Week… AGE PLAY, ANAL FISTING, ANAL SEX, ANAL PLUGS

Ageism and the Mature submissive

From my somewhat limited experience and observation it is my opinion that some degree of ageism exists in the gay BDSM community.   I say this as a mature, meaning older, gay man who is in the process of coming out and trying to fit into the Leather BDSM/Kink world located in South Florida.

Much of my experience has been in cruising an extremely popular app & online BDSM/Kink dating site that at any given time has approximately 900 active Florida members.   By reading the profiles you will notice that many Dominants list an upper age limit on the boys with whom they would consider developing a relationship or even having as a play partner.   And this age limitation seems to come mostly from the older, more mature Dominants on the site.  So far I don’t think I’ve seen any profiles written by submissives that list an upper age limit of the Dominants with whom they would hookup.

The plight of the ageing Dom is quite different from the sub.  On the same app/website mentioned above, and from general observations at any Leather bar, you can easily see that bottoms/subs/boys greatly outnumber Dominants.  Older Dominants seem to be revered, idolized, and sought after by submissive boys for their experience, knowledge, and prowess at the fine art of using the boy for their mutual gratification.  Mature submissives appear to be thought of as being less physically or sexually attractive.  Older boys may be thought of as being fragile and easily “broken” because of bone or joint issues.  Perhaps the butt isn’t as bubble-ish.

Now, I am not saying that as one ages they maintain the flexibility of a twenty year old or that they will retain their youthful looks and smooth skin, or that health issues will not be a cause of concern.  But most of the health and mobility issues with which a mature submissive lives can be worked around and dealt with easily.  It behooves all of us to expand our ideas of attractiveness, and stop using that tired expression, “you’re not my ‘type‘.”

So what if a 60-year-old man who is a submissive can’t as easily get up from a sitting position on the floor as he once could.   Either don’t put him in that position or make sure there is an assistive device such as a chair or stool nearby for him to use to get up. Or, even a hand from the Dominant to help the submissive up would be great gesture of acceptance as well.  Mature submissives can engage in bondage and other Kink  activities if the Dominant keeps in mind that extremities may get fatigued a bit more easily and that joints may not be as flexible as they once were.  Moreover, pain tolerance should not unduly be effected by age.

So, all this boy is asking for is a little consideration, a lot of care and compassion, and the consistent inclusion of older submissive boys in Your list of potential play partners.

This post may generate positive feedback from other, older subs like me, and some negative feedback may be posted as well.  i hope so on both counts.  It could mean the beginning of an internal conversation in each reader that may lead to an increased dialogue in the greater community about age, inclusion, judgmentalism, body shaming, and the elusive quest for the Tom of Finland image of the ideal Dominant man…and youthful, submissive bottom boy.

Please let me hear your take on the subject.

 

More About Protocol

WHAT PROTOCOL IS

Protocol in the Leather BDSM community has been defined simply as etiquette. However it is more than that.  It is the rules, ritualized behaviors, actions and attitudes that govern interactions in a leather relationship and within the broader leather community.

The premise of Gay leather and BDSM protocol is simple: it’s A rank-based system.  It is primarily relationship-based but influences behavior and interaction between people in community, public and social situations.  Within an individual relationship those involved may discuss, come to agreement and implement how they will conduct their personal protocol.  Also, you may see that Leathermen within the same social circle or club will agree on a particular protocol and it is possible that people in the broader leather community practice the same protocol to the point that it becomes a generally accepted protocol as well.  Individuals may opt out of certain protocols, except in situations where protocol is required for particular events or places. Leather bars, for example, sometimes enforce a dress code, which is a popular form of leather protocol.

The intention or objective of leather protocol is to emphasize hierarchy. The SIR and His boy both have protocols to follow, but T/their protocols are different.  The boy’s protocol tends to be more active than his SIR’s.  An example might be when a SIR walks into a room, He enjoys the sight of His boy standing up for Him, but the boy is  the one who has the actual fun and honor of standing up for his SIR.  The SIR’s role is passive in comparison to His boy’s.

To an outsider or someone new to the Leather community protocol can appear quite degrading for the submissive.  However, through education and insight into the Leather community one will begin to understand that when the Dominant and submissive have great respect for one another protocol takes on an entirely new and different meaning.  Furthermore, it will become clear that the rules and behaviors which appear from the outside to be dull and demeaning to the boy can actually be fun and a great honor for the boy to put into practice, especially if he likes/loves/respects the person he is in service to.

In developing protocols within a relationship the SIR and His boy may start by observing those practiced by other Leathermen.  Also T/they may consider the rituals of other institutions, organizations or churches.  T/they may evaluate “proper” societal etiquette, previous personal experiences of observing protocols, or may even develop and institute new rituals for T/their relationship.

The SIR and his boy may try out T/their version of protocol in private first to see and evaluate whether in actual practice it really works for T/them.  Then T/they can adjust or choose to eliminate those actions that just did not fit.  Over time the rules may undergo changes, refinement and growth, and new protocols may be implemented to further enhance the dynamic and intimacy within the D/s relationship.

Below are a few commonly observed protocols:

CLOTHING

At leather events, the mentor and the apprentice will dress appropriately.

The boy may simply wear the traditional leatherboy  outfit of a white tee-shirt, jeans, and black leather boots – a traditional leatherboy outfit.

STANDING

The submissive stands when his Dominant enters the room.  Also his SIR may instruct the boy to stand anytime a Dominant enters the room.  This is a sign of respect.

When standing in a formal manner, the boy assumes a military “parade rest” position: the feet are parted to shoulder-width, and the hands are crossed behind the back.  Some SIRS may have the boy bow his head looking at the floor rather than at his SIR or any other Dominants in the room.

WALKING

The submissive normally walks half a pace behind his SIR, and to the SIR’s right.

According to leather tradition the superior takes the position of honor, on the right.

SERVICE

The SIR may ask His boy to fetch, carry or prepare something. Also, the boy may request to do so even when he was not asked.

Most submissives love service, so every opportunity to serve should be extended to the boy.

When the SIR is standing, the boy bows his head when offering a drink. When the SIR  is sitting, the boy goes down on one knee to offer the drink, which he holds with his right hand while resting the drink on his left palm.

DOORS

In some D/s relationships the SIR opens doors for his boy.  In others, the submissive opens doors for his Dominant.

SITTING

While eating, while in vanilla space, and while in places where it would be inconvenient to do otherwise, the apprentice sits on a chair. Otherwise, he sits on the floor.  In Master/slave arrangements it is common for the slave to even eat while sitting on the floor.

TALKING

In talking about the SIR to others, the boy will refer to Him as “my SIR,”  “my Dominant,” or “Mr. [Last Name].” The SIR will refer to the submissive by his first name; as “my boy,” or “my submissive”; or, in formal situations, by his last name.

EXCEPTIONS

Regular protocol is dropped when it would cause unnecessary discomfort, when it would cause hardship for the submissive or SIR, or when it conflicts with the higher duties of the SIR or boy.

In real life, there will be times when you have to drop protocol because following it would unnecessarily hurt someone. And in real life, a SIR is not simply a Dominant, and a boy is not simply a submissive. Both of T/them have more complex roles, both in relation to one another and in relation to T/their wider communities.