Who Moved my Cheese?

This is a delightful little, easy to read book by Ken Blanchard & Spencer Johnson about CHANGE.

The premise is change happens. Expect it. Prepare for it. Don’t be shocked, dismayed or try to fight inevitable CHANGE.

This boy’s life in the last two years has experienced immense change. Cancer…stepping slowing into the Leather BDSM community…severe colitis that very nearly killed me…ups and downs of potential hookups and letdowns…coming out as a proud Leather bottom boy and taking the moniker boy stray…having my throat cut open for a spinal fusion…having my first real BDSM full on experience…… and ultimately, my relationship problems at home.

my husband and i have been together many years, probably more out of habit, companionship, and codependency than anything else. But, what glaringly became obvious after my bout of cancer was that i was not happy. i want more out of life. i don’t mean trips, vacations, cruises, money, houses, etc.

What i am talking about is freedom. i feel like a caged animal. I can’t go places, associate with my Leather friends, go out for a drink, hookup or have sex or get a massage or go to the gym, or god forbid, go to Publix without getting the third degree interrogation.

My friends, the whole Leather BDSM community, and i are denigrated because of how W/we look, O/our affinity for Leather, and O/our kinky sexual interests & activities. He would laughingly ask when i would come home if i had gotten fisted or had been beaten and had bruises…like he thought that was the most disgusting things a person could do.

Since December i’ve been plotting my escape, my leave from this life and relationship. Two weeks ago i paid a deposit to hold an apartment. Last week i bought a new bedroom suite and sofa for the living room. Yesterday i signed a 36 page lease on the apartment. i pick up the keys today, do a walk through approval, and it is mine.

my Cheese has been Moved!

i am anxious, but excited.

i am sad i am leaving my 3 dogs.

i am angry it has taken me this long to do something.

i am happy to begin a new life of freedom.

i am scared that i could fail and run back to a familiar, but unhappy, emotionally abusive situation.

Send me Y/your positive energy and support, please.

And with that, my new life begins….

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

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Horn Dog

Lately, i’ve become quite a horn dog. I seem to be looking for and getting lots of hookups. But, i am not going to gloat, because i’ve had more than my fair share of long, dry spells.

The recent encounter i thought i would tell you about may be off-putting, uncomfortable, or anger inducing to some people because of the subject matter, i.e. kink involved. But, let me be the first to say i abhor child sexual abuse. And i say that as a survivor of repeated sexual abuse by an older male cousin when i was between the ages of 9 and 12.

Recently, i met a man online who fancied himself a bit of a mental health therapist who specialized in child sexual abuse/incest. i admitted to him that i had been abused as a child. So, he wanted me to “process” what had happened to me in a session with him. i have to admit i was intrigued, and a bit titillated by the scenario since we connected on a gay hookup site.

So we agreed that within the hour i would come to his place, make myself as comfortable as i wanted to be (naked), and to lie on the bed in the direction indicated by the pillows.

I drove over, walked in and went straight to the bedroom as directed. i completely undressed, because…well, i hoped i was going to get fucked.

i laid down with my head at the foot of the bed. A few minutes later i heard steps approach the bed, then pass by to a nearby chair. The “therapist” told me to begin my story of sexual abuse from the beginning.

i told him each of the occurrences i could recall. i also admitted that although it was non-consensual, and i clearly was being abused by an older boy, it did feel good and that i had gotten an erection each time from the abusive encounter. Also, i told the therapist that the last abusive encounter occurred at an age when i was capable of cumming, so i stopped the cousin from masturbating my penis before i ejaculated by pretending to be asleep, and turning over in the bed away from my abuser.

Then, i talked about childhood mutual sexual play with friends and boys in my neighborhood. Then he stood up and told me not to be concerned as he placed a sheet over by face. He took his clothes off and got in the bed beside me.

i reach over and grasped surprisingly, a large, uncut cock. He went down on me for a bit, and then tried really hard to get that big, fat, uncut dick up my tight asshole. It hurt, but he went slow. He was gentle. He was determined and so was i — to a point. About 3/4 of his at least 8 inches were in, but the pain and fear of tearing caused me to stop him.

Without a word he got up, dressed and left the room. i got up, dressed, left the house and drove home.

Remember: my kink may not be your kink, and that’s ok.

While this encounter was bizarre, it was also cathartic. i have to say that i had never openly admitted to another person that i was aroused while i was being abused. That it felt good. And in my confusion over the conflicting feelings of the abuse (shame, fear, anger) and the sexual arousal, i had erotic dreams about this cousin for years afterward. i even considered contacting him to entice him into a consensual sexual encounter numerous times over the years.

Child sexual abuse fucks up a kid’s brain. It messes up their ability to feel things normally. It destroys self esteem. It induces lifelong shame. It can cause promiscuity and sex addiction.

i should know. Been there. Done that!

This post is in no way meant to glorify, justify, encourage, or normalize child sexual abuse.

Finally, A Dom of my own! Nope!

Last week i got an email saying i had received an email message on one of those hookup sites. When i checked the email it was a Dom wanting to meet…me! i checked his profile and saw he is 39, handsome according to the posted picture, and most intriguing – he wanted to meet…..me!

Of course i was skeptical. But i did respond. He said to call him Sir, which i do out of respect for all Doms and Masters. So i had no problem with that. We exchanged email addresses and wrote back and forth till He asked if i had Yahoo Messenger. i did. We’ve talked via email, text or yahoo Messenger several times daily for a week.

He requested i purchase a leather mouth cover/ball gag and provide proof that it was ordered to show i was serious in my search for a Dom. i got a 20% discount code from a separate email about BDSM toys from this same company. With shipping costs it was only $30. And it is quite nice.

For our first in person meeting He said to purchase a BDSM starter contract kit from another company. It would be $310 with 24 hour delivery. i said i didn’t have the money and was reluctant to spend it without having met. Sir said He would split the cost with me.

This morning i couldn’t sleep. i got up at 3 am. Just so happens at 2:53 am Sir sent an email to the man at the company saying He had sent $110.00 and His boy would send $200 later today – via Western Union to someone in Texas to finalize the purchase.

Now i don’t know about you dear readers, but have RED FLAGS gone off?

Who makes a purchase through Western Union? The communication from Him to the company and from the company to him are just gmail accounts that anyone could set up. The company website is a crude wordpress website with little information other than the starter kit…..the contract, a leather dog mask, a leather apron, and a leather thong. Strange collection of “starter” items. And why “starter”? Starter for what? BDSM? A new D/s relationship?

At twenty minutes to five in the morning i have convinced myself that once again i am being scammed. Why indeed would a handsome, 39 year old Dom be so quickly smitten with me, an older man. And, i have no actual proof he really lives in Fort Lauderdale.

We subs, who greatly out number Doms and Masters, must ALWAYS be vigilant in watching for online scams in our near desperate search for our Dom for life or just for play.

Needless to say, he is being blocked!

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Honesty & Lies

Living honestly, openly, and true to myself is not easy. Whilst i have had interest and dalliances into the Leather BDSM/Kink/Fetish world over my many years of adulthood, it has been a short stay each time, only to return reluctantly to my vanilla, mainstream lifestyle after each occurrence.

As you may remember from earlier posts i began coming out as a Leather boy 1 1/2 years ago by joining a club for Leather boys. I’ve attended events, demonstrations, meetings, camping events and recently a formal Leather Masked Ball.

Most of these activities have caused varying degrees of discord within the home & relationship. It started with resistance and snide comments about Leather, Leatherfolk, and kinky activities. It has evolved into a quiet tolerance with only the occasional rumpf response to my going out with Leather minded friends.

This brings me full circle to honesty. i have to admit i am not honest and i am in ways a coward. i want to wear my boots and jeans more. I want to go out more to the Leather bar, events and meetings. i want to live a Leather lifestyle however that manifests in my life. i want to be able to hookup/play or just cruise online without hiding and lying.

And i want to…need to admit to my husband that i am not happy and want to separate. But, through therapy and a sizeable amount of investigation i’ve learned he is a narcissist and i am codependent. As a “narc” he lacks empathy and has little to no clue how bad it is for me in the relationship or how much i want a new start. i deeply dread THE conversation, the anger and tears. So i procrastinate. Surpressing my feelings, wants and desires in deference to his – classic codependence.

i have looked at apartments and rooms for rent. i’ve looked into escape plans, a PO Box, a new separate checking account, i’ve developed a budget, and i’ve made a list of the few things i really want from the house when i leave.

Is this all a dream or fantasy i am building in my mind? Will i have the balls to leave?

Will i finally be honest with myself and my spouse, so we both can begin a new chapter in our lives?

i’ll let you know what happens!

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Leather, Pigs, and Proud

It’s good to be a Leather boy this week in Fort Lauderdale. Tonight, November 25th, is the 12th annual Leather Masked Ball being held at Progress Bar. It is well attended by Leathermen and Leather boys of all types, and i am guessing lots of Leather women, straights and gays, and a smattering of vanilla folks gawking.

The Ball is produced by the Lambda Men’s Brotherhood, Inc. It will star DJ Chi Chi LaRue and feature an exhibition by the Leather Archives & Museum Chicago as well as BDSM demonstrations. There will also be a Best Masked contest with $175 Bar Tab prizes from Ramrod.

Every year for at least the last 8 to 10 years my husband and i toyed with the idea of going. That was even before he knew how much i wanted, yearned to be in the Leather community. This year he said let’s go. We bought our tickets and masks yesterday.

Before i post this Blog i’ll include a post script about how the Leather Masked Ball was, and how my vanilla partner reacts to various aspects of the night, especially the BDSM demonstrations.

The other event that makes this a great time to be a guy in Fort Lauderdale is that it is the beginning of our annual Pig Week. Many of you may be wondering what is a “pig” in the context of grown men. If you like drinking, dancing, and fucking then you are a PIG! And we in Fort Lauderdale want to meet you! This event is designed for all hot men in the world to cum together and play. There are pool parties, play parties, nude resort and beach days, and educational programs and demonstrations on fisting, watersports, sounding, and rope bondage. But, most of all it’s about welcoming men from all over the world to our city, showing it off, and showing them a really, really good time.

i have never participated in Pig Week before either. But, i told my husband i was going and bought my $100 dog tag before he could lodge a protest. The dog tag is my admission ticket to all events. Without it there is a $25 fee charged at the door of most of the events, and no admission to others.

Today i plan to attend a clothing optional pool/play party at a local leather themed resort where there is a sling in every room. Hopefully, it will be a great turnout since the weather is predicted to be beautiful, at a comfortable temperature, and with no rain in the forecast.

Sunday Morning Synopsis

Pool Party

Yesterday afternoon i took Uber to the Inn Leather resort for one of the pigweek events. It was a men only, clothing optional pool party. Most of the men walked around nude, seemingly proud of their bodies in all the glorious shapes, sizes and colors they come in. There didn’t appear to be any penis shame either. Penis varieties were from really small to “O my God, you’re going to put that where?” I think there must have been around 75 of us there.

Leather Masked Ball

It was hot, hot hot! Leather men came from everywhere including out of the closet for this annual event. Hundreds of masculine men turned out to see and be seen and to get their party on at Progress Bar. Some men wore masks, but most didn’t. The wafting of cigar smoke had us continually on the move for a better spot. An abundance of hairy and smooth asses were exposed for our pleasure; an occasional erect penis would pop out of a jock to the delight of everyone in the vicinity. The music, while good, was not up to the caliber expected from the guest DJ.

To my surprise my husband was fascinated by puppies and puppy play. He says he wants to take a class about it at Leatherwerks next time it’s offered.

i believe it was a great event and quite successful financially and in attendance.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Reflections on Erections & the P-Shot

i have not filtered my posts much in the year i’ve been blogging, so this one, while being difficult to write, will expose my deepest fear, sadness, shame, anxiety and embarrassment about my cock.

Y/you may be wondering why i would do it then. Fuck. i don’t know. I drew a blank at first. But really, i think it is a very common issue faced by many men over age 40 – ED – Erectile Dysfunction, the scurge of manhood and the most dreaded thing that could happen…but sharing my tale of woes may help other men. i hope so.

i’ve been dealing with this shit for years. It started subtly with occasional loss of erections during sexual encounters. Then, it became more noticeable so treatment was sought. That’s when the little blue pill, Viagra, was available.

Viagra worked great for years. Then, the effects waned a bit. Then, i tried Cialis, but it induced severe, long-lasting backache. The next pill, Levitra, didn’t really work for me. Years passed with varying degrees of firmness and sexual satisfaction/dissatisfaction and performance anxiety.

About 3 years ago i graduated to “the shot” – Trimix. It is a mixture of three medications that is injected into the side of the penis near the base. It worked! It gives me a big, full, swollen, and red hardon that starts within minutes of the injection, but only lasts 1 – 1 1/2 hours. So, i have to know without a doubt that i am going to have sex, and there can be no prolonged foreplay or the erection may be gone before my partner and i get off.

No, the shot doesn’t really hurt. It does take a bit of psyching myself up before sticking the needle in. Every time after ejaculation my dick hurts. The swelling remains for about 12 to 18 hours so my dick is big but soft.

For a year now i’ve been looking into the Priapus Shot (P Shot) for the treatment of ED. i’ve consulted with 3 physicians. The procedure is safe and fairly simple. They draw my blood. Spin it in a centrifuge to separate the solid components from the plasma. The plasma contains growth factors that when injected back into the penis causes a rejuvenation of tissues and hopefully a return of functioning. A vaccuum pump is provided and a regimen of daily pumping is required for maximum benefit. Also, some men may need an added jolt with the addition of a boner pill, which is supposed to work better after the P-Shot.

The downside, and it’s a big one – the going rate is $1900.00. Can you imagine forking over nearly 2k and injecting it into your dick? Each of the 3 doctors with whom i consulted were charging the full $1900.00.

Last month i saw an ad in a gay publication for an Anti Aging Aesthetic physician’s practice. They were offering the P Shot for $1500 during October. While finding that much money was not going to be easy it was an offer i couldn’t pass up.

Today i had the procedure done. i was there nearly two hours. The blood was spun down for 90 minutes. i was given 5 injections in my penis. One on each side at the base. One on each side mid shaft. And finally one in the center just behind the head. It didn’t hurt because i applied a numbing cream when i first arrived.

Tonight i have a plump dick. Somewhat impressive.

We’ll see how things progress. i’ll update Y/you periodically. Stay tuned

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Racist? Or Just a Preference?

In a recent post i told Y/you i was staying in a gay motel/resort in Orlando over Labor Day weekend. So, i was sitting in my room (the night my phone was stolen) and two young, thin guys walked by my door which was cracked open several inches. They stopped, turned around and came back. One, a white guy, that W/we would call a twink opened the door a bit and asked if they could come in. The other twink, a young black guy, looked at me quizzically. i said “what for?” “To talk” came the response. The young black guy whispered to the white guy, “ask him if he likes black guys.” He then put his head in and asked the question of me directly. i answered yes. To which he said, “I don’t usually prefer white guys…but it’s just a preference.”

My retort was curt, “so you don’t think it’s racist for someone in an online ad to say ‘no Asians, no blacks, white only – not racist, just my preference’ isn’t being racist?” They were somewhat taken aback.

To illustrate what i consider preferences i will tell you about my ideal man. The man of my dreams: taller than me, dark hair, mustache & beard, very masculine in appearance and affect, confident, assertive, a Dom with sadistic tendencies, seven inch dick or more, uncut, big bull balls that hang low, hairy, very hairy, and a hairy ass, size 12 boots, nice blue eyes, great smile, good breath, non smoker, fantastic at deep kissing, wonderful lover, and has a great Dad body.

Racist would be to exclude blacks, asians, arabs, Jews, Latinos, etc. Ah, but Y/you may be thinking i am excluding them by my preferences. No, not at all. Y/you see my preferences are just that. They are not in my mind “requirements”. i could just as easily be attracted to a blond, blue eyed, cut, Jew. Or a Black man who is smooth. Or a hairy cut Arab with dark piercing eyes.

To negate a whole race or group of men based on something, some trait, characteristic, or religion they were born with or into is racist and xenophobic. To try to cover one’s prejudice by calling it just a preference is ignorant and wrong.

i love all kinds of men. i like to keep my options open. Who knows, my perfect, ideal Dom may only exist for me in my dreams, yet a perfect Dom who satisfies all my needs could be the total opposite of my ideal. If i limit myself, and exclude anyone who does not fit my perfect vision of my Dom, it could mean that i may never meet Him.

i often joke that my kind of man is one who is breathing! Everything else is negotiable.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray