Pulse Remembrance and Gay Pride

Two events.  A week apart.  A year has flown by.  Yet for each person who had a loved one murdered at the Pulse Nightclub on June 12, 2016 each day likely felt an eternity during this one year.  my husband and i attended the Unity Rally in Fort Lauderdale on June 11th.  The attendance was good…but nowhere near what it should have been.  The usual political speeches and ecumenical representation by various religions and denominations.  The most gut wrenching, emotional moments came for me when 49 volunteers walked out each one holding overhead a picture of a Pulse shooting victim.  So very sad!

The following Saturday was the annual Stonewall Pride Day and Parade.  The weather, while hot, was at least not scorchingly oppressive and the rain held off.  Both pluses in my book.  Again I thought attendance was marginally okay, but, and maybe it’s me, but it didn’t seem raucously, outrageously, overwhelmingly fun this year.  Everyone seemed well behaved, descently dressed, and drinking in moderation.  There were no well known performers advertised.  The Grand Marshall of the parade was the lovely Sharon Gless, a famous actress from Queer as Folk & Cagney and Lacey.  

So two events.  A week apart.  One a day of sadness, anger, and calls for justice.  The second a day of joy and celebration for the current freedoms we enjoy, and calls to action to RESIST those efforts to take away our rights, and to fight against those who threaten us or seek to intimidate us.  Or even brutalize us.  We will not be silent.  We will resist!

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Low T and me

i have low T – low Testosterone levels.  

Testosterone is a male sex hormone that is produced in the testes.  It is responsible for giving men their secondary sex characteristics, like hair under the arms, pubic hair, facial hair, etc.  It also allows men to increase muscle mass & develop semen.  It increases a man’s pride and self esteem.  And it counters depression and erectile dysfunction.

For many years i have used topical testosterone replacement therapy.  First, there was a cloth patch that had to be placed on the scrotum for the medication to be absorbed.  Then, there was one you rubbed on Y/your stomach and let dry before dressing.  Then, i was switched to a newer one that was applied under the arms.  It was a thin liquid pumped into a rubber cup provided in the top.  The order was for one pump under each arm.  Well, i thought if one pump was good, three would be better.  So, i was taking three pumps under each arm for about four or five years.  But man was it messy!

However, i regrew hair under my arms!  Hallelujah!  i was ecstatic.  i finally was feeling like a real man again.  But, my dick was getting weaker, and less firm with each passing year.  Loss of muscle mass.  Changes in mood.  Changes in self esteem.  Low sex drive.  But the limp dick was the thing that makes me cry!  i was always driven by my dick.  i got hard if the wind blow a certain way or if a hot man just touched me or even gave me “the look”.

i cycled through all the ED pills.  Vitamin V/the blue pill/Viagra worked the best.  Cialis gave me excruciatingly painful backaches.  i wasn’t able to sit or lay down.  i could only stand, but even then the pain remained intense and unrelieved by even the strongest pain medication.  Then, the pills stopped working.  I graduated, unfortunately, to TriMix injections.  For those of you unfamiliar with that, it is a shot that you give yourself in your dick!  You aim straight in to the side at the base, inject, and Voila in a couple minutes you have a nice hard dick.  Downside – you have to know you are about to have sex; you have to stop foreplay to get, prepare and inject the shot, and then, you have about one hour before time runs out and deflation sets in.  And as with the pills if the erection lasts more than four hours you must see a doctor immediately to obtain treatment to prevent possible permanent injury to your dick.

ED causes depression, low self esteem, and in my case decreased feeling of manhood/masculinity, insecurities, decreased feeling of attractiveness.  Even as i write this i get tears in my eyes.  It causes great sadness.  Gay Men DO NOT want people especially other men to know they “can’t get it up.”  I had sex twice (with different guys) where my shot only produced a bright red chubby.  No hardon!  Both guys said, “I wish you could get hard!”  That only put more pressure and insecurity and embarrassment on me.

i told my urologist i occasionally get nocturnal wood (nighttime erections), but not when i need one.  So, he thought there was a psychological component to the ED.  i saw a sex therapist.  No hardon!  i got erotic massages.  No hardon!  i went to sexual workshops, including the BDSM one written about in a previous post.  No hardon!  i sought out a Sacred Intimate to work with me on the problem.  No hardon!  i went to a few ED doctor’s offices to learn about the Priapus shot.  Too expensive!

i turned to a men’s clinic that treats ED and low T.  One of them injects small pellets of testosterone that slowly absorbs over four to five months.  The other just did shots in the butt.  Both were very expensive!  However, the second one i went to did an in office testosterone level.  It came back at 35.  Normal is 250 to 1100.  He said it was the lowest he’d ever seen.

So, i turned to my HIV doctor.  He repeated the testosterone level.  This time it was 56.  i immediately started Testosterone Cypionate 100 mg IM to be administered weekly.  Funny thing, within 20 minutes of getting the shot i developed two itchy  welts on my arm and one on my thigh.  i called the doctor’s office and left a message.  But, before I could take Benadryl they were gone.  Maybe a reaction to the cottonseed oil it is mixed in.  We’ll see if i have anaphylaxis on Thursday.  Still no hardon!  

i think that is the whole reason i didn’t enjoy my free weekend.

If you learn only one thing from my story it should be to Get Y/your testosterone level checked especially if you are over forty years old.

Thanks for reading, and wish me luck on Thursday 

boy stray

While the Cat’s Away, the mouse Might Play

my husband is out of town with friends enjoying a huge gay annual event (Gay Days in Orlando) filled with sun, pool parties, evening activities, concerts, and yes, probably lots of sex!!

But i am fine with that.  In fact i encouraged him to go so i could have some free time to go out and immerse myself into the Leather BDSM and Kink community. And maybe, just maybe, i will hookup with a Dom for a play scene.

my first free night was Thursday.  i planned my night, cleaned up – inside and out – just in case, and dressed in nice jeans, leather themed black tee shirt, and my leather bar vest.  

Uber got me to the bar between 9:30 and 10 pm.  i know…kinda early, but it was a school/work night.  i thought men would be out early.  The bar’s theme night was a “bulge” contest at midnight.  Surely i could moderate my drinking, cruise hot leather men, and socialize till the contest began.

As i walked into the Ramrod i saw the bar was sparsely populated, but there was a cute “Bear” seated across the bar.  He gave me The Look!  So i situated myself a couple seats from him and ordered a beer.

Mistake!

He was a BIG talker.  He was a bottom.  He said he wanted to suck my dick and have me spank him.  He was really drunk.  He did buy me a beer and a shot of bourbon.  Then, he suddenly leaned/fell toward me and stuck his tongue in my mouth.  Hmm.  What to do? Am i desperate?

Then, his partner arrived and i took the opportunity to hurriedly excuse myself.  

Friday night i pondered three choices.  i thought of going to a kind of fun, but seedy neighborhood bar, or to the a gay men’s sex club, or to a bathhouse catering to more mature men.  Friday was all about getting laid!

So, i ended up watching the last two episodes of The Amazing Race on Cable that i had missed.  And i was in bed by 11:30 pm.

i started writing this post this morning, Saturday, 6/3/17, which will likely show as the post date.  However, i have two more free nights of planned debauchery. 

Tonight there is an extremely popular monthly themed party at the Leather bar, The Ramrod, called Pig Dance. i AM going!  i AM going!  i will have to take a bar nap this afternoon so i am not to tired to go.  But, i AM going!  That’s my mantra for today.

The last Pig Dance i attended a few months ago had hundreds of hot men in all manner of dress and undress – from full Leather down to just a jock and boots.  They were all ages probably 20 to 80s, bears and twinks, hairy and smooth.  It was a smorgasbord of man meat.

i have no doubt the bar will again be packed to the rafters and even spilling out into the rear patio and the front parking lot.  It’s a dizzying aroma of sweat, male sex pheromones, booze, and cigarette & cigar smoke.  And the cacophony of thumping music and loud conversations will be deafening. But what fun.  The atmosphere is highly sexual and energizing. 

i went!  It was crowded and loud and smoky.  It was everything I expected.  But, i, i, was so uncomfortable in my own skin, in my own Leather, that i had one beer, walked around once and left about thirty minutes later.  Then, i took Uber to another bar, a small neighborhood bar, but it is actually situated in a commercial area.  It was busy.  When i walked in all the guys turned to see the new meat arrival.  i was cruised by a couple guys, but again i was bored and went home after about forty five minutes.

my mood and self esteem were low.  i wasn’t really sure i wanted to go out and probably shouldn’t have.  But, to counter the loneliness and insecurity I could have/should have asked one of my buddies to go with me.  But i didn’t!  

Those little tapes that play over and over in our heads sure can fuck up an otherwise great time.  

Sunday was my Leather boy’s club meeting.  i went and was upbeat and talkative.  Short meeting.  A couple of us went for a drink.  Enjoyed myself.  i thought i might go to a sex club Sunday night but didn’t – i shall tell Y/you why in my next post! 

Sorry to be a Debbie-downer this post.
Thanks for reading,

boy stray