30 Days to Define your Kink as a submissive 

Day 6: What do you feel are the roots of your submission?  Do you think it has something to do with childhood?

Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline?

Is it a sexual thrill or something else?
30 January 2017 – The roots of my submission were ingrained in me by life experiences as a child and through conditioning as an adult.  That is what created the submissive that i am.

As a child i was horribly shy, socially backward, and never seemed to know what to say or do.  In steps my mother who was controlling and domineering.  She told me what to say, what to do, how to act…there was NO arguing or disagreeing with mother.  i didn’t need to make decisions or initiate anything on my own, because i was told everything that guided my life.  

She could fly into a rage with little provocation.  She would grab the nearest tree limb or coat hanger or belt to release her anger and frighten me into submission.  my brother was more defiant and resisted her aggression as he grew older.  i became the best boy there ever was.  Never did anything on my own…or at least never got caught.

When I grew to my gay adulthood I had a boyfriend i played with occasionally.  Once while in the throws of passion he hit me in the face with his fist.  Hard but not really hard.  i asked why he did that.  He said, “I thought you’d like it.”  i kept going back to him for a while…he had a beard, was good looking, tall and really well hung.  Everything i like in a man who is in me!  But he never struck me again.

Another man had a real tit torture fetish.  He’d practically make them bleed.  And believe me he worked them so hard i thought of him every time my nipples brushed against my shirt for several days afterward.

There was another man who slapped my ass when fucking.  i liked his brand of kinky fucking a lot.  He became known to my friends and me as “Spanky.”

Those are the sources of my submissiveness and my conditioning to become a BDSM Kinky bottom boy.

It really has nothing to do with my current or future relationships.

It is however a sexual, emotional and psychological thrill, a yearning, a need to be used by a Dominant man.

Day seven tomorrow.

Thanks for reading

boy stray 

Kinky Erotic Photo Shoot

Today i went to a professional, discreet photographer to have updated and more edgy pictures to use on a couple BDSM Kink hookup sites.  This photographer did two previous shoots with me.  He is extremely good at his craft and had a variety of things to spice up the shoot.

At first was the obligatory G rated head shots in a nice shirt and jeans.  It progressed quickly to a leather vest, leather suspenders, wrists and ankles in leather cuffs, leather blindfold, gagged with a knotted red bandanna, gagged with a leather bit, jocks, assless underwear, and of course full nudes.  At one point i was nude with leather cuffs on and he shackled me to a heavy chain suspended from the ceiling.  i was blindfolded and gagged.  

my cock wasn’t “full” enough so he began fluffing with gentle strokes, squeezing my cock hard and then came the CBT.  With each tap of the balls the impact grew harder making my knees weak with excitement.  I guess my dick grew sufficiently hard because the CBT ended…unfortunately.  Previously he moved my head to be in a good position with a light guidance with his hands, now he intensified the guidance to a rough forceful shove for positioning of my head and body. 

As i stood there, shackled to the ceiling, blindfolded, gagged, nipple clamps on, i wanted him to cease being a professional photographer and become a seasoned Dom who wanted nothing more than to subject me to every sort of control and to induce a heightening of the pain…i wanted to be flogged, pissed on, bit, slapped, spit on, and something shoved up my ass.  But, alas he was a professional.

He must have taken a hundred pictures.  We looked at them all.  Deleted some on the first pass, then continued to weed out more in deference to the best, sexiest, edgiest, and most exciting poses.  I settled on 9 photos.  It’ll take a few days to get to final pictures and when I do I’ll upload a couple that are edgy but not too revealing.

Also, i decided the other day to get personal cards made professionally that introduce me as my BDSM submissive persona, boy stray.  i have never seen anyone hand out a strictly BDSM Kink oriented business or personal card, but thought it could be handy and a good way to make a first impression and to be remembered.  If Y/you are involved in a community, serve as a mentor or educator Y/you too may want to get a calling card.  Just a thought.

Thanks for reading, 

boy stray
By the way, that is not me in the above photo.

Will, Won’t or Maybe Mondays 

As we continue down the checklist i am including most of the activities possible between consenting adults.  Today we’ll look at four that i have knowledge, experience, and a fondness for, and one that is not my kink at all.

Cock Worship

What can i say about cock worship?  i have done it since the first one i tasted when i was twenty years old.  Cock worship is more than simply cock sucking.  To worship cock you must afford it reverence, respect, adulation.  you approach a cock the way you would a religious shrine.  Some apprehension and reflection on the beauty and power that manifests in that Dom’s cock.  your ultimate goal and desire is to service that cock in the manner such a powerful piece of flesh demands.  you take your time with it.  And when He shoots His load, the essence of life and humanity, you do not spit it out.  you gratefully accept it into your body with deep appreciation.

That is Cock Worship!

Collars

A collar is a device of any material that is worn around the neck of the submissive during play.  However, more importantly, the collar is a symbol worn by a submissive denoting that they are in a D/s relationship and/or are owned.  Some Masters and Doms will conduct a formal collaring ceremony either privately or sharing the occasion with friends and community.  Also, there are collars of consideration and training collars.  Collars are not a piece of jewelry to be touched and fondled by other people.  Remember respect in the BDSM Kink community is very important.  Always ask if you can look closer or touch it.  Be prepared to hear a NO.  If you see someone who is collared it is appropriate to speak to the Dom first and ask if it is okay to speak with or hug the submissive person.  Again, respect.  You are acknowledging the Dom’s position in community and in that relationship.  Usually the collar is locked onto the sub’s neck, and the Dom holds the key.  If the D/s relationship ends, the collar is removed by the Dom.  Recently i attended a memorial service where I learned when a submissive dies it is important to treat the collar with reverence and that it can be placed in an honored position in the home of the Dom or the caregiver if that person is a member of the Leather community.  A collar has great significance and deserves your respect.

Cuffs

Cuffs are exciting, exhilarating pieces of BDSM equipment.  As i have related in previous posts i submitted to being cuffed as recently as yesterday for an erotic photo shoot.  It is ultimate submission in my mind because you are giving complete power over to the Dom through an overt action that signifies ultimate trust in that Dom.

Once you are cuffed He has total control of you and can do anything He wants to you.  Trust must be established prior to this kind of submission.  i completely trusted my photographer.

Being cuffed yesterday put me immediately into a sub headspace.  My other senses heightened.  i knew what i hoped He would do as He held total power and control over me.  But, that’ll wait for another time and person.

Diapers

Some Doms and subs get into diaper play and infantilism.  The sub regresses to that stage in life when a baby is completely reliant on it’s parent or caregiver to meet its every need.  And one of those needs is to have their diaper put on, and to be changed when it is wet or soiled.  Players in this kink can be into urine play only or it could involve both piss and shit.

The only thing i can say in addition is, your kink may not be my kink, but your kink is OK!

Dildos

My best friends!  They are always stiff, just the right length and girth, and perpetually ready for action whenever the urge hits you.  No dinner, drinks or small talk with someone on a date that you hope will fuck you at the end of the evening.  No wondering if He is hung large enough; no wondering if he can get it up and keep it up; no wondering or dreading that He may be a two minute man.

Wake up horny?  Reach for the drawer in your nightstand.  Rough day at work?  Or your trick was a lousy lay?  The dildo is ever ready for hot action.  you don’t have to worry that it’ll cum to soon.  Whether you go deep, hard and fast, or slow and easy, the dildo meets your every need when you want to be penetrated.  I have two pink rubber ones, two inflatable ones of different sizes, and a curvy prostate massager.  All of these are different sizes, shapes and contours.

Stock up.  They can be your best friends too.


More next week.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

30 days to define your kink as a submissive

It is hard to believe January 2017 is nearly over.  A fleeting moment in time.

Today i will add another response to the 30 days to define your kink as a submissive.

Day 5: Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you?

This is a bit of a story covered in earlier posts and a theme that will repeat in the coming months and years.  i am not new to BDSM/Kink but i have not been in a D/s relationship.  i have only played at being a submissive a few times unless Y/you count all the classes i have attended.  i yearn for a D to match my s.


Have you been in more than one D/s relationship?

Hmmm, no.

How were they the same? How were they different?

Although i have not had a D/s relationship i can definitively say all Doms and subs are different so the dynamic of the relationship must be unique to each D/s couple.  


Thanks for reading,

boy stray 

Gray Hair? boy?? WTF?

Tuesday night i was perusing the gay BDSM Kink hookup site when i noticed there was a new email in my box.  i opened the email and was shocked at what i read.

“Boy????  At 61 yrs of age and gray hair???  Boy?  WTF?”

Initially i felt hurt, attacked, put down, humiliated!

i have to admit to an initial discomfort being considered a boy by many Doms and subs in the gay Leather BDSM Community.  i couldn’t quite reconcile my age and mature appearance with being a boy.  

Now i thoroughly enjoy and relate to the role of a boy even with gray hair, and being beyond a certain age.

You see, in my mind being a leather boy is a mindset, an identity, a role assumed in the BDSM Leather community by a submissive male.  It has nothing to do with age or appearance.   It has everything to do with how one sees and expresses himself in the context of a BDSM relationship.  A BDSM boy is similar to a young child in some ways.  A boy wants guidance and direction, and occasionally needs discipline, and a leatherboy seeks a relationship with a male who will fulfill that role for him.  A boy wants to be good and to do as he is told.  he wants to be nurtured, cared for, and loved.

Those are all the things i seek as a leatherboy/submissive. 

This guy’s online attack was just a judgmental,  hateful attempt to undermine my self esteem, and likely an effort to make me reconsider whether i belong on that site.  

he lost on both counts!

The funny thing was that all through his profile he kept referring to himself as a pig. Now i wonder if everyone sees the irony of that because it apparently was outside his realm of awareness.  To him it was unfathomable that i consider myself a boy, but he whole heartedly identified with being a pig.  

So does he sleep in a pig pin, eat slop and lie for hours in the mud and filth all around him.  Doubt it.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

New Year, new me?

As i wrote before last year was the beginning of my transition, or transformation into a more authentic me.  my coming out as a Leather BDSM submissive began in earnest around July 2016.  When i began to exit that final closet i reached out and made connections, met some people, started attending Leather BDSM functions and made friends…good friends.  But, as i bought my leather gear and toys, and updated my recon.com ad, i was faced with a final incongruity.  i realized that my age, physical ability and body do not match the Leather boy vision i hold in my mind’s eye.  i see me in my mind as younger, healthier, more agile, and having a nice body.  Every once in a while i catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or window reflection and i am snapped back to my reality.  But, i know that as time keeps rolling along and if i stay on the current trajectory i would probably end up an old obese man unable to walk much at all, and likely reliant on others for my care.  What kind of Leather sub would that be?

i am in physical therapy again for the fourth time.  This time i have a weak painful left ankle and balance problems.  i have been going just a couple weeks so far.  But, one thing i am told over and over by doctors and therapists is “you need to join a gym.”  i finally heard and internalized that suggestion.  i waited until New Years resolution gym ads started appearing in the mail, I toured two facilities and actually joined one yesterday.  Today my physical assessment was done, my measurements, weight, and body fat analysis was done, and most humiliating was having the front and side view pictures taken.  

For years i have lived with HIV and a metabolic condition called Lipodystrophy.  It leeches out the subcutaneous fat from the arms, legs, butt and face redistributing it to the abdomen, chest and back.  If you can envision a baking potato with tooth picks for arms and legs you can get a general idea, albeit more, much more pronounced than in reality.  Viewing my image frontally in a mirror i look normal.  Turned to the side i look nine months pregnant.  How i think i look is not true to reality.  i absolutely hate seeing myself in mirrors.  And you know, gyms have freaking mirrors everywhere.

So, i am an official member of a nice gym.  i have lots of work to do.  i must remain realistic.  i am not going to build up so much that i will resemble Arnold Schwarzenegger. That is NOT my goal.  my goal is to lose abdominal fat, add strength and definition to my chest, arms, back, butt, thighs and calves.  i need increased strength and flexibility in my joints, especially my left ankle to decrease pain and increase stability and balance.

Why am i telling you this?  i need a support network.  i need someone to journey with me down this path…to hold me accountable.  Will you be my sounding board?

Another thing I did today was to get Botox injections in my forehead, between my eyes, and the outer perimeter of my eyes.     Also, i had a few little bumps burned off my face that had become focal points each time i gazed in the mirror.

A new me is going to emerge slowly over the course of this year so that how i think i look in my mind will align finally with reality.  Wish me luck.

All this is contingent on that man in the White House not getting us nuked in the next six months!!

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Will, Won’t or Maybe Monday

i’ve had a time catching up on my Blogging after my trip.  There are many ideas and topics for posts floating around my brain that i will develop in the coming weeks and months, but tonight we’re talking more kink.

Catheterization

Anyone who has been hospitalized for a significant illness may have had a catheter inserted at some point.  In a hospital often the catheter used will appear to be the size of a garden hose, it is lubracated, and seemingly crammed into the dick and passed through the prostate in one quick shove of the tube.  It is usually uncomfortable to downright painful.  

i on the other hand enjoyed the catheters i had while hospitalized on two separate occasions.  It was not painful to me, and i enjoyed the ability to continually empty my bladder without having to get out of bed during the night.  i even bought a complete catheter setup including the bag to collect the urine that i would be using at home.  I slowly lubed the catheter, and introduced it my my meatus (piss hole) and slid it down my urethra till it reached the prostate.  Y/you know Y/you are there because Y/you will have hit a bit of resist and it is felt at the actual prostate gland.  Y/you just push a bit more firmly and Y/you will feel the sensation as the catheter advances through the gland and into the bladder.  This is where Y/you can enjoy a couple of different kinky activities.

First there is access to an abundance of urine for watersports or piss play.  i on the other hand slid the catheter in and out of the bladder and going back through the prostate repeatedly.  Then, i began masturbating with the catheter in place.  i was in effect fucking myself on the inside of my cock.  What an orgasm.  Fantastic.  

The last time i was catheterized was by a Dom in a class in front of 8 other nude men.  The urine flowed into a bucket, but it took several minutes to completely empty the bladder.  What a sensual experience.  If Y/you think Y/you either want to catheterize someone or you want a Dom to insert it into you, then i strongly suggest going to a class or having someone knowledgeable to teach Y/you proper technique.  Bladder and kidney infections can result from poor technique and contaminating the catheter before or during insertion.  Finally, one catheter is used on only one person.  It should NEVER be removed from one person’s body and then inserted into another person.  Talk about risk of infection!

Chains

Some Doms/Masters/Sadists like to put their subs/slaves into chains as a way of controlling, punishing, or otherwise torturing them.  It is in my opinion an edgy kind of play that requires complete trust in the Top.  Also, i would only agree to this while NOT drunk, NOT on drugs,  and only if there is an emergency escape plan that can be enacted by the submissive. i don’t mean to be a fear monger but i consider all of the risks:  Is He someone you don’t know well or just met?  How is His health?  you don’t want to be chained and have the Dom pass out, have a seizure or heart attack and become incapacitated. Where are you being chained?  A dungeon, cellar or basement.  Is a phone or the key that unlocks the chains within reach?  Much like bondage, so far i have not played with someone i trust enough to be chained no matter how hot it may seem.



Chastity Devices

This brief introduction will on be presented from the vantage point of a submissive.  Personally i eroticized the cock cage and longed to have a Dom control my cock, preventing erections, masturbation, orgasm, and genital contact with any other Dom.  Optimally the Dom orders the cage be put on, He locks it, and He keeps the key.  Only He determines when it will be removed; only He decides when you will be allowed to masturbate or orgasm.  It is such an erotic act of submission that in the absence of a Dom i bought three devices so far.  One was to small and pinched when it was being put on.  One was rubber and had no lock.  i couldn’t get my cock in that on either.  Then, I bought a better quality device – metal with 3 different sized cock rings that could be used to determine the best fit.  It only stayed locked on for two days when it suddenly dropped to the floor having slid off my cock and balls.  Apparently i did not have the proper size cock ring that anchors the chastity cage in place.  i haven’t put it on again since i started my foreskin restoration process on 7 January 2017.  Wow, what progress i have made in two weeks.  While many subs get their own chastity devices, it would be much more meaningful to have your own Dom holding the key that controls your ability to be sexual.

Choking

This is very closely related to the asphyxiation topic previously presented.  With choking however, the Dom uses His hands or a device like a ligature to close off the breathing and to decrease blood flow from the heart to the brain.  This is supposed to greatly enhance the orgasm of the person being choked.  Thus, when a person does this to themselves it is called auto erotic asphyxiation.  Many people have died doing this because they don’t stop in time causing them to lose consciousness and choking to death.  Please be very careful if you decide to engage in this type of edge play.

Cock Rings

Cock rings are great.  First they help engorge the penis making Y/your package appear to be really big and firm.  They can make the cock harder, and intensify orgasms.  i like them so much i seem to have developed a collection of them, some being Leather, and others being metal, rubber, or even a leather cord or string.  All are good to try.  Sometimes i wear one just to run errands or if i will be lying down or wearing a swim suit.  i highly recommend giving them a try.

That’s about all i can cover tonight.  More next Monday!
Thanks for reading,
boy stray