Limited Activity Choices & the Deal Breaker

A couple months ago a Leather Sir contacted (cruised) me on recon.com. W/we messaged back and forth for a couple weeks and made a date to play after extensive dialogue about preferred activities, & soft and hard limits. He was completely honest that his primary interest was anal fisting. And i was totally forthcoming about my bout with anal cancer last year and my inability to submit to more than aggressive finger fucking due to scarring and easily torn tissues. Sir acknowledged my plight, and agreed again to meet, so O/our play date was reconfirmed.

The night before our play date, Sir texted my phone that He had sudden, unexpected, out of town company staying with Him, and would therefore need to cancel the date. He also said He was leaving the country for nearly a month, but that W/we would definitely set another date upon His return.

So, on the fifteenth of September, the day Sir was due back, i emailed Him, and W/we re-established O/our online conversation. W/we set another date to meet for play. But, His questions to me seemed to show a lack of memory of O/our previous conversations about O/our likes, preferences, and hard limits. i repeated my medical history and again disclosed my fears regarding fisting. However, despite that hard limit, Sir continued to say He wanted to meet. He even listed a number of other activities He enjoys that W/we could do. Another date was set for the near future.

A few days before O/our 2nd planned (and my much anticipated and needed) play date Sir contacted me saying His activity of preference is Anal Fisting. And since i was not able to do that one thing He canceled our date. i simply wrote back, “ok”.

Not getting fisted was a deal breaker! Or was it an excuse? Is His BDSM repertoire that limited?

Have any of Y/you, my readers, ever experienced this Y/yourselves? Is Y/your preferred activities list that short? If so, how do Y/you ever find another person to play with?

Oh, don’t get me wrong. There are definitely things i greatly enjoy, and others that can be done that i might just like a bit…that i can take or leave. But to require every SIR to do one particular thing to me, or it’s not happening, just seems arbitrarily self limiting, and is a way of keeping most Sir’s away.

Personally i keep trying to expand my “Will Do” list of activities in order to attract more attention, and to be more appealing to a greater number of gay, masculine, Dominent, Top men in my area.

Write in and tell me if Y/you have a required activity during BDSM Play, or the session gets canceled. What is that activity, and why so important to Y/your play?

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

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It Finally Happened

Lots of texts messages, titillating electronic conversations, planning and scheduling happened between the Dom and me. 

Then, it finally happened.  Schedules aligned, His health was stable, my fears were lessened and my desire for a real BDSM play session was the only thing i could think of.

i was ordered to wear leather.  i did.  i arrived exactly at the designated time. When i walked into the condo Sir was seated on the sofa wearing a black SIR t shirt and red nylon shorts.  Also, He was tethered to a really long oxygen tube.  i stood at attention awaiting directions, orders, the offer to be seated or the offer of a drink.  I received none.  He proceeded to talk, and talk, and talk.  Approximately an hour later i was shown the balcony area and the bedroom…And a walkin closet full of leather vests, pants, covers and caps, an extremely heavy full leather jacket and dozens of t shirts.  Then, i was shown the toy box filled with everything you could think you might need.  A flogger and paddle hung on the wall.

By now i had been there going on two hours.  And so far no sex, no play, no nudity, and not even a drink of water. 

He decided it was time to play.  Mostly He was feeling up to deep kissing which was very sensual and a big turnon.  Also, He was into receiving oral sex.  He did return fellatio with a bit of genital pain included…a nice touch.  He did do some impact play while He was being done – such as hard slaps to the pecs and ass slaps.

He wanted desperately to get off, but could only accomplish that with intense pain to His nipples.  i bit one so hard i feared severing it or at least inducing severe bleeding. The other nipple i gripped tightly, pinched and twisted as hard as i possibly could.  He exploded in relief.

In the post coital conversation He said He was more bottom, a pain pig, wanted to get fucked, couldn’t be with a total bottom, and how much He relies on intense pain to reach orgasm. This is everything i am and the opposite of what i want in my Dom.

He is a Dominant who is a sexual bottom??

i am confused.  Disappointed. 

i want a Dom who is a Top – a total Top.  He may have been a sub bottom before, but now He needs to be exclusively a Top. i am a bottom, a sub bottom.  Not a switch.  Not versatile.   A Bottom.

Saturday He texted wanting to flog me.  i wanted to in ways, but made up an excuse so i wouldn’t have to go.  i remain disappointed that He is the opposite of what i want/need.  i need to be honest with him but i am not sure i can be.  But, i will try.

boy stray’s quest continues…

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Getting Back on the Horse

i have always heard “if you fall off a horse, get right back on it!”

So, that’s what i hope to do.  i have chronicled my ups and downs searching for a Dom, a play partner…just someone with whom i could relieve this intense pent up need and desire.  Then out of the blue i sent an innocuous ‘smile’ from a hookup site to a Dom.  He responded favorably.  W/we emailed quite a bit. Then i gave Him my cell number so He could text me.  W/we have texted nearly every day for a week.

From O/our conversations W/we believe W/we are each other’s “type” meaning overall looks, likes and dislikes, and similar fetishes and kinks.

However, He is recuperating from a serious illness which has left Him weak and easily fatigued.  The stars aligned next week for U/us to meet socially to size each other up, discuss in more detail our BDSM likes, hard limits, begin negotiations, and if all goes well set up a play date as His health will allow.  Originally W/we were going to hookup Wednesday night, but i reached out to do the social interaction first, then proceed if all goes well.

Y/you never know.  There might be a funny vibe that is felt, or a word or phase that strikes you as concerning or a red Flag warning.  Everything I read says to follow your gut feeling.  If anything seems strange or out of the ordinary end the interaction.  Also, I read not to meet socially and end up at the person’s place the same day.  Too risky.

i am trying not to expect too much, or to begin planning O/our Leather wedding, but i do hope a mutual friendship develops as a D/s relationship of sorts with periodic play that meets both O/our needs.

Early in my Blogging i wrote a post about “Someday He’ll Come Along”, and He was a knight on a white horse. This time my imagery is of myself trying to get back on the horse since my earlier posts about a potential budding relationship between a Master and me told how it went down in flames, and how it made me feel.

What i think i am slowly learning from that experience is that if someone says you are not their type, or they don’t have time to deal with you, or you begin to feel you are being played, ignored or used, or your relationship actually ends…there is someone else out there for you.  Y/you may kiss a lot of frogs along the way but someday He’ll come along.  You just have to be ready to get back on that horse.

Last night W/we spent about six hours texting about life, health, kink, relationships, what each of U/us is looking for, and even some titillating texting.

W/we moved up our meeting to today.

W/we had lunch together.  He liked me and wants to play!

Thanks for reading,

boy stray  

30 Days to Define your Kink as a submissive 

Day 25: Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?

i wrote before that one of the things i do – not sure i would call it a ritual –  is to always stand in a military “at ease” position with hands behind my back and head slightly bowed with eyes averted from any Dom who may be present.  Also, most of the time i wear a leather band on my right wrist as a sign to others and as a reminder to me that i am a leather submissive.

 i have no other rituals or objects used to express my submission.  It would be wonderful to be gifted an item from a Dom that is meant as a visible sign of my submissiveness. 



Day 26: What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

Qualities i seek in a Dominant are knowledge and experience in BDSM, a playful nature yet strict in His enforcement of protocol, duties, and the behavior of His sub, yet not aggressive or just plain ole mean under pressure or stress.

Deal breakers would be refusal to negotiate limits and preferences, and in writing a contract; a lack of interest or concern regarding training or for the nurturing of the sub; and having a tendency to being mean under pressure and taking out stress and frustration on the submissive. 



Day 27: Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

At this time, a “real” session, scene or play session have only been a fantasy.  i have had isolated activities and experiences, and even paid a Pro Dom to work out some fantasies, but i have never been approached by a Dom who follows through and has a real time play session from start to finish with me. 

The only thing that really confuses me or frightens me is the lack of opportunities for real time play.  i have not been able to make myself the kind of sub that is attractive to a Dom to even have Him approach me for play.  i fear i may never experience a full, real BDSM session.


Thanks for reading,

boy stray

24/7 or Just for Play

Initially i wanted a full time, 24/7 Dom/sub relationship.  i wanted to “live” the Lifestyle.  Still do!  But kinda giving up on that…seems like it’s just a pipe dream at this point.  my former Mentor asked me a couple times if i was interested in living it or just in it for the play.  i enthusiastically said live it.  But, now i guess i would have to say play.

In the couples years i have been working at it, i haven’t even played, let alone developed a Lifestyle or relationship.  But as an homage to my affinity for Leather i wear a leather strap around my wrist and always wear my wide leather belt no matter what else i may be wearing or where i am going.

How do Y/you all make it look so easy and natural?  What is the best part of living the Lifestyle?  How am I gonna get me some of that Lifestyle??

i ask that tongue in cheek.

i know how, and i am working on it.  It’s just harder and taking longer than i expected.

Tonight i reached out to an established, well known and well liked member of the gay Leather BDSM community.  i asked if He would consider having coffee with me.  Not to hookup or play.  i am definitely not his type of boy.  And He already has His boy.  my goal would be just to get to know him better and have him get to know me.  That way perhaps He could become a friend and support for me.  Also i thought maybe He would feel comfortable sponsoring me or recommending someone who could sponsor me for the local club for Sirs and boys.  

The club had a play and demo weekend at a gay campground last weekend. i had hoped to go but couldn’t.  There is another in April, and i have decided i am going!  It has become goal and “bucket list” item for me.  Recently i was asked what was on my bucket list.  i said nothing because i believed i had been everywhere i wanted to go and seen everything i had wanted to see.  But, now i decided to rethink that.  Some things on my list involve BDSM, LEATHER, PLAY, and others are trips, cruises, events, as well as beginning yoga classes and getting & giving tantric massages.  

Another goal for 2017 is the start of a part time play relationship.  Any other ideas for what i can add to my bucket list?

Wish me luck.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

30 Days to Define your Kink as a submissive 

Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission?
Yes, very much.


How do you define service?
Service is doing those mundane menial chores that Sir needs to have done to free His mind and time from thinking about His to do list and actually taking His time to run those errands.  Service means anticipation of Sir’s needs to performing those tasks before He even has to think about them.

Service duties are, or should be, a part of the negotiations prior to entering into a D/s relationship.  This is the time to verbalized your limits in terms of being a service oriented submissive.  As i mentioned in an earlier post, i abhor housekeeping.  i don’t like mopping, vacuuming, or dusting hundreds of little tchotchkes.  i would negotiate for a cleaning service twice monthly to do the hard work and deep cleaning.

What does it mean to you?
Service means overtly showing your respect for your Dom by knowing what He routinely does or needs and taking care of it for Him.  To me it is the essence of being a submissive. 

If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?

N/A

30 Days to Define your Kink as a submissive  – Day 10

Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships?

This is a really difficult question to respond to.  First, i am not in a submissive “relationship” at this but if this question uses that term to include friends, Doms in the community, and acquaintances then i can say yes.  my interaction with any Dom is one of submissiveness.  However, there have been only a few actual BDSM play sessions. In those instances where i have been with a Dom, yes BDSM was always a major part of the interaction.  

i always treat Doms and Masters with the utmost respect.
How do you feel about BDSM?

As that jingle goes, “i like it, i love it, i want some more of it.”
Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?

i would say now it is peripheral.  It is on the sidelines waiting for those golden opportunities to actually play with a Dom.  In the meantime, i read, study, write my Blog posts, and associate with other subs in the hope that i will get more opportunities to play as i become more of a familiar face in the gay, Leather, BDSM, Kink community.

30 Days to Define your Kink as a submissive – Day 12

Today’s question stirs a great deal anger within my heart and soul.  Let me share my opinions and let me know if you have supporting or dissenting opinions.
Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself?

Hell NO!  i worked hard for MY money and i ain’t giving it away.
If no, is there a particular reason why?

It allows and perhaps even encourages Doms, wannabe Doms and Dom pretenders to take advantage of vulnerable submissives by promising to be everything the sub wants, but first the sub must make a financial contribution to show the sub’s commitment to the D/s relationship/Collaring/training.
Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission?

Yes
Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?

Yes, i have an opinion about everything.  

my opinion is so strong against financial submission because i nearly allowed myself to be reeled in by unscrupulous people online.  No doubt behind the pictures of handsome faces, buff bodies, and the promise to be everything the sub wants and needs…is an unattractive person from another country preying on gullible men and women who long for the Dom of their dreams.  

my first instance of nearly being taken advantage of was on a popular BDSM/Kink site for gay men.  i received an unsolicited message from a guy who was (at least in the pictures provided) a handsome man with a muscular and well defined body, who stated He was fairly well endowed, and who wanted to be in total control, to be the perfect Master/Dom over me.  my heart was all a flutter, and i felt appealing, wanted, needed.  After all, this gorgeous man who could have anyone reached out for me.  Of course i sent a reply as soon as i finished reading about His desire to own me and be my Master.  He responded quickly solidifying His desire to be MY Dom!

Then came another message saying to show my commitment and desire to submit to Him, I needed to go to a certain website to fill out my likes/dislikes and hard limits.  The first time i fell for it.  i went to the site, filled out a questionnaire, and clicked the button to submit.  I was taken to the next page where I was to enter my credit card numbers.  i can’t remember the exact fee to be charged, but it wasn’t just chump change.  

That is where my voice of reason kicked in and I was brought back to reality.  my mind flooded with many “why” questions.  And also i filled with self doubt…why would someone like THAT want to Dominate someone like me?  Why was He evasive with questions i posed?  Why did He need me to pay something upfront with U/us never having seen each other in real life, or even spoken on the phone?  

What the Hell was wrong with me….why would i pay some stranger who lived who knows where to be a Dom to me?

i messaged him back saying i was not going to pay the fee.  he responded that it was “just a test of my commitment” to him.  This time i didn’t answer his message, and he apparently got the not so subtle hint to buzz off.

Then came a message from another “Dom”, and then another.  I didn’t fall for anymore scams on that site, and actually wrote back saying, “if you think i am going to go to a website and pay to join just for the possibility of becoming your sub…you are crazy.”

my last encounter was on another site where i received a similar statement, but this time he actually admitted he was in Another country…England, and wanted a cyber Dom/sub relationship only.  i emailed him back a couple times before he said he required financial submission as well.  Stupid, gullible me considered it until he said he wanted a financial “gift” that would be suitable for his wife.  i quickly woke up from my fantasy about a young, handsome, hung Dom wanting me.  i ceased further communication with him.

NOW, i ignore all of the emails that seem to follow the same script demanding financial submission prior to any D/s relationship beginning.

So, my tip to you is that there are internet scammers and liars out there trolling for vulnerable people who may be desperately looking for that one “real” opportunity to enter a D/s relationship, and they/we really believe this could be it.

Please ignore those emails, move on to the real, honest and honorable men and women seeking the qualities and personality that you possess.

****One caveat, if and that is a big IF you are already in a committed real life D/s relationship, then and only then should you ever consider commingling your financial assets, or giving your Dom the keys to your personal treasury****


Thanks for reading,


boy stray


Collars and Collaring 

The following is a Facebook post i read yesterday on the group BDSM info written by Bear Dallas.  It is copied here with permission of the writer.  It was minimally edited.

Something I posted on another BDSM site that others in the group might find helpful……I offer to you this piece of trivia to remind those of us that tend to have forgotten what the collars encompass and to educate those that feel they know what it means to collar a submissive. A collar not only joins the submissive to the Dominant but, also the Dominant to the submissive. These are the ways that the various collars were menat to be used. Unfortunatley, as it has been brought up several times, the dawn of the internet has brought on what I call “cyber-collars”. It is my opinion that cyber collars are made of pixel dust, of fantasy and illusion. Those using and exchanging these imaginary collars seem to appear and disappear like shadows in the mist lacking the substance and reality of the true meanings of these collars within the Lifestyle. If you are a new Dominant or submissive, please remember that the internet is a tool that augments and gives you access to the real world. If you wish to remain in cyberland, that is clearly your choice but please do so with respect to the real world you try to mimic.
COLLAR OF PROTECTION: This collar is used to give a submissive PROTECTION from any threat be it online or off. The Dom who gives this collar is NOT in control of this submissive. The submissive does NOT belong to the Dom. The Dom is there only to protect and help the submissive get thru a “hard time”, thru instruction, listening, etc, allowing the submissive the time to find where they want to go next, to heal from wounds they may have, and feel safe and comfortable doing it. This collar is NOT permanent, usually worn till the submissive feels comfortable out on their own.

TRAINING COLLAR: This collar is worn during the training period. It can be given by a potential permanent Dom or by a Dom for training purposes only. This collar usually is set in a time limit during negotations. Many believe that emotions should not enter when a training collar is worn. That it interupts the training process, but realistically how can they not enter in some way.

COLLAR OF CONSIDERATION: This collar is worn when a Dom and sub are seriously talking and involved. It shows others that they are serious. It also gives the two involved less interuptions from others so they can get to know one another. It can be set on a time period so that if it isn’t working out one or the other may leave the relationship without bad feelings and feel comfortable doing so, or it may lead to a more formal collar.

FORMAL COLLAR: This collar is worn to show that a submissive has totally given himself to a Dom. The sub is His and not to touched. This collar is meant to be worn forever – very much as binding as a wedding ring and it is only to be taken off by the Dom.

A collar symbolizes the bond between a Dominant and a submissive. It’s a way of showing devotion to your partner and a level of commitment. It’s a symbol of honor, respect, and trust.
To the submissive, a collar means that the Dom has become the center of their world, the very air they breathe. They find protection, comfort, love, and guidance from their Dom and in return they surrender all and strive to please their Dom. THIS SHOULD NOT BE SOMETHING THAT IS TAKEN LIGHTLY!!



A collar should not be rushed into or forced upon someone. It should be something that both individuals desire and agree upon. Before collaring takes place, the individuals should have an extremely strong bond with each other. This can occur only after alot of time is spent with one another talking, learning, sharing, and growing….together!

No matter what collar a submissive may wear it should be respected at all times.
Collars should not be removed by a submissive, one should ask to be released if needed. Do not enter into removal of a collar lightly. Give it time. Use every way possible to re-connect with the Dom. Remember you took the time to get to know this Dom and gave yourself to him, be patient because sometimes life gets in the way of life.
Velcro collar” is an increasingly common term used derisively. The old guard is very protocol oriented and stressed serious lifestyle involvement because of safety issues. More recently, however, email, Internet chat rooms and instant messaging services have allowed the curious to participate in casual (and often anonymous) D/s relationships online. The “velcro” reference indicates the tendency for online Dominants and submissives to have new online collaring ceremonies frequently and without regard for existing relationships which end as easily as logging off.



I hope this has been helpful as a reminder or as a source of new found information.

30 Days to Define your Kink as a submissive – Day 9

 Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?

Yes, that is a part of and a requirement of mine as a submissive.  i want an aggressive Dom, who sets structure, routine, rules, limits and expectations as an integral part of the D/s relationship.  Without those it would seem like a non D/s or vanilla relationship.  

There should be formal period of training.  A contract of agreements and expectations covering each individual in the relationship.  And punishment for breaking the rules, performing a task incorrectly and for insubordination and failure to observe protocol.

The Dom and sub can discuss, disagree, and renegotiate the contract but disrespect of either person is not allowed.

The Dom and sub will discuss and adhere to the Boy’s Bill of Rights.