Naive & Gullible, a Dreamer, or Just a Sucker

If memory serves me correctly over the last ten months i wrote about my dalliances into possible romantic and/or BDSM connected relationships. None has panned out i thought primarily because they were long distance romances. It is extremely difficult to keep a long distance relationship going without a strong commitment, openness, honesty, and having interests in common.

Recently the sucker (me) was being reeled in once again until i remembered similar words and phrases not typically said by American or for that matter British men in an online context. i had enjoyed being contacted on recon.com by the handsome middle aged man in San Francisco who found me attractive and my profile enticing. Then, several days and several texts later, i read, "dear, I've missed you dear". This was very similar to the phrasing my last Nigerian?? scammer used. So, i immediately blocked and reported the person to recon.com.

Since this has happened more than once i think my forehead and profile must have a sign reading, "sucker available". And i am not implying the good kind of sucker…a cocksucker.

So, why does this keep happening? i suppose i should just chalk it up to the thousands of professional online scammers out there preying on the lovelorn, and the seemingly desperate older love seekers. They know what to say, how to compliment, how to get the victim to talk about themselves while sharing little information about themselves. After a couple weeks of stringing the victim, the patsy, along, the scammer asks for a relatively small amount of money for something extremely important. If the patsy sends the money, they will likely send even more as they are strung along.

Red flags that Y/you May Be the Target of a Scam:

  • Stilted English used by the person in text
  • Incorrect use or inaccurate stating of idioms
  • Using terms of endearment very quickly such as "dear"
  • Quickly professing love to Y/you
  • Offering many compliments
  • Conversation that is actually superficial – lacks depth and equal amounts of personal sharing
  • No response to specific questions Y/you might ask someone with whom Y/you are seeking a Relationship
  • Requests for a new picture be taken at a well known site in their city will be ignored or another pic of the person they are representing themselves to be will be stolen from the Internet
  • They will ask for money and only Y/you can help them with this problem or situation
  • They suddenly cut off communication if questioned or the money is not sent

Look for these clues with every strange new person who contacts Y/you on a dating or hookup site.

Be safe, don't be a victim –

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Commandments for Dominants and submissives

Commandments

Ten Rules for Dominants / Ten Rules for Submissives
from the Society of Janus: http://www.soj.org/
 
The author of these two article is unknown. They have appeared in an early issue of Growing Pains,  the Eulenspiegal Society's Prometheus  magazine, and the July, 1980 Growing Pains.   A representative of the Society of Janus has attributed ownership to SOJ — http://www.soj.org/ — but was unable to identify the author.

 
Ten Rules for Dominants
Ten Rules for Submissives
1
Be Patient
Until you enter into a contract with a submissive, you have no more right to order him/her around than does anyone else. Give you bottom time to get to know you and what you like. Finesse and subtlety are major elements of dominance. Similarly, strength and gentleness go hand in hand. The sensitivity and awareness (or lack thereof) that you show in the real world is likely to be repeated in the playroom.
Be Patient
A potential top will let you know if she or he is interested in you or not. Keep in mind that your purpose as a submissive is to serve and to satisfy someone who will take into consideration the realization of your fantasies. Don't expect your top to be able to turn on like a light switch. The timing must be right for both of you.
2
Be Humble
You may be God's/Goddess' gift to the world, but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunities to show how good you are – and plenty of opportunities to make a fool of yourself. No matter what you claim, the "real you" will show through in a scene. Don't set yourself up for a failure by developing expectations that you know you can never reach.
Be Humble
You may be God's or Goddess' gift to the world and the most sought after prize in town, but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunity to show how good you are. No matter what you claim, the "real you" will show through in a scene. Don't set yourself up for failure by developing expectations that you know you and your top can never reach.
3
Be Open
Although the top is classically considered to be the teacher in SM, you can always learn from your bottom, no matter how inexperienced. Be willing to learn from other dominants who may have a totally different perspective from yours. Try to approach by-now-familiar trips with an attitude of wonderment and discovery. Be aware that everyone has her or his own personal style.
Be Open
You can learn something about SM and about yourself from everyone into the scene, no matter how experienced or inexperienced they are, or how dominant or submissive they are. SM is a very personal art, and an "I already know it all" attitude will make you miss valuable SM lessons and experiences, and ignore potentially valuable SM friends.
4
Communicate
You are responsible for finding out basic, essential information about the people you play with, such as experience, limits, likes and dislikes, and health information. Playing SM without this knowledge is like Russian Roulette. Talk about your head-space and you review of SM with your bottom, so that any uncertainties can be dealt with before you start playing. Clearly spell out roles, rules, limits and contracts. Do not take for granted that your bottom instinctively knows the ground rules.
Communicate
Verbalization is necessary, but at the appropriate time and in the appropriate way. Your top needs to know basic information about you, such as experiences, fantasies, health concerns, and turn-offs. But -unless it's an emergency – wait until your top asks. Don't expect your dominant to be a mind-reader instinctively knows your needs, wants, and limits. Your cooperation will enhance the scene for both of you.
5
Be Honest
If you lack experience in an area that your bottom would like to experiment with, be honest about it. Your partner has a right to know that. Be honest with yourself and take your submissive only to those levels at which you are completely in control of the situation. Safety should always be the first concern, taking priority over how hot a particular scene is.
Be Honest
Don't be afraid to share your needs and fantasies. Your dominant expects it. Honesty about your wants, health concerns, and turn-offs is essential to a good scene. Lying or being less than candid can only lead to problems, as the top will base the scene on inaccurate information. Besides causing problems, it can be dangerous.
6
Be Sensitive
There's a very fine line between a sensitive, caring dominate and a self-righteous, insensitive overbearing clod. Your scene should be a creative synthesis of you needs and fantasies, and your bottoms needs and fantasies. Although, on the surface, your submissive is serving you, what actually is happening is that dominant and submissive are serving each other. Earn the complete trust of your submissive and never violate or even threaten to violate that trust. His or her submission is a gift to you. Use it appropriately.
Be Vulnerable
Your scene is a two-way street. It is not just the physical realization of your prior fantasies. If you want to limit your experience to certain physical and psychological stimulation, then contract with your top ahead of time. But don't always expect your top to be a puppet in a fantasy play you've written in your head. It's far better to let your top surprise you, to extend your limits, to take you to places you're never been before. When you trust your top completely, let her or him know it, and let him or her guide you into new fantasies.
7
Be Realistic
End the scene with the bottom wanting more, not wishing there had been less. Remember that power, control, and sensitivity are the keys, no just the intensity of the stimulation. Be clear about what is fantasy, and has little to do with what works in practice. Your favorite porno picture books may be stimulating in themselves, but don¹t try to imitate them to the last detail.
Be Realistic
Your dominant is human, and even the most experienced tops have moments of awkwardness and indecision. Don't call attention to what you perceive as a lapse. Know the difference between reality and the fantasy world you see in books and magazines. Few tops are rich enough to afford a large dungeon with a lavish layout of equipment…Your top's equipment is expensive – respect it and don't abuse it.
8
Be Really Dominant
Submissives are looking for someone who will take over their body and mind, not just for brute strength. Real people are wanted, not just cardboard images from ads or stereotypes. Your dominance enhances you whole existence. It does not cover up or substitute for other areas of your life – it is you. Make your submissive fall in love with you, and expect them to give themselves up to you totally. Follow up on rules, expect obedience, and punish appropriately when it is called for. Don¹t shirk your responsibility to your bottom or to your sister/fellow tops. Be dependable and expect dependability. You have agreed to take the dominant role – now take it!
Be Really Submissive
This is the whole point. Let your dominant take you over completely. Don't coach or second guess or be critical of your top. Exchange information on your special needs before the scene starts, but once it starts be quiet! If you insist on running a scene to your own specifications, then you should try being a top. You have agreedto limitations of your own power. Stay within those limitations. Respect and obey your top and expect punishment if you don't. Accept it gracefully and cheerfully. Your top has many things to be concerned with, including your safety and what turns you on. Be loyal and dependable and enjoy your role.
9
Be Healthy
Like any strenuous activity, SM requires that its participants be in top physical and emotional health. Many factors, including the amount you sleep, your eating habits, your alcohol and drug intake affect your performance and endurance during a scene. Don¹t attempt to do SM when your physical or emotional energy is low. As a dominant you have a special responsibility to be in control of yourself and on top of the scene. An attitude of ³drugs and alcohol don¹t affect me that much…I can do it anyway² violates your submissive¹s trust in you and can be dangerous. If you don¹t want to accept the responsibilities, you shouldn¹t be playing the game!
Be Healthy
SM, like any strenuous activity, requires that its participants – both active and passive – be in top physical and emotional health. The amount you sleep, your eating habits, your alcohol and drug intake, and everyday stress affect your response and endurance during a scene. Your dominant needs to know when your physical or emotional energy is low. No matter how tempting a scene sounds, an "I want it all now" attitude when you aren't able to give your all will leave both of you feeling let down. You serve your dominant and yourself by staying healthy.
10
Have Fun
After all, sex is all about having a good time. You have earned, and you are entitled to the unique, intense pleasures which come from responsible, creative SM play.
Have Fun
After all, sex is all about having a good time. You have earned and you are entitled to the unique, intense pleasure which comes from responsible, creative SM play.

 i found this article and many more pages of information and articles about BDSM at http://www.evilmonk.org

i highly recommend perusing this wonderfully informative website.

Thank you for reading,

boy stray

My Dungeon of Despair 

Still waters run deep is a saying i have heard since i was a young fellow – maybe early teens.  In the weeks since i last posted many things began swirling in my mind and body.  i realize that on the surface I tend to appear calm, peaceful, passive and shy, but my true spirit runs deep in my soul.  

i noticed that without a Dom Leather BDSM life can be downright boring if not nonexistent.  i have tried to keep a connection online through FetLife, the Leather Kink site Recon.com, and even on the site Adam4Adam.com which occasionally has some kinky men online.  i wear my leather wrist band all the time except showering or doing dishes.  It’s a constant reminder of who i am, and where i want to be.

my therapist keeps hitting me with the earth shaking idea of separating from my partner of many, many years.  He keeps pointing out the codependent nature of the relationship, the subtle yet harmful ways the partner’s actions and inactions could be considered domestic abuse even though there has never been physical abuse.  It tends more toward emotional, psychological, and financial.  The codependent in me will not let me make that leap even though it would probably be for the best.  So, the therapist wants me to fill out a grid with the pros and cons of leaving on top and the pros and cons of not leaving on bottom.  This is supposed to open my eyes wide enough to leap out of the marriage.  But, i will likely remain in my dungeon of despair no matter what the grid shows.

Still waters run deep…i keep everything suppressed.  Thoughts, feelings, desires, dreams, fears, everything is smushed down and is held back with a giant valve.  Infrequently it lets off a bit of steam through bursts of anger, sarcasm, tears, or depression.  Then the valve gets tightened even more.  Some days i feel my head might explode because i am living a lie and lying to live peacefully.  i lie so much i don’t even know who knows what parts of me and my story are true — except you, my readers.

i long to live a life in leather.  To be collared.  To be an open, proud submissive.  To date, to cruise, to go out when i want to, to have sex when I want to, to have the friends i want to have, to invite my Leather friends to my house whenever i want to, to spend or save money the way i want/need to, to be able to be a nudist in my own home, to get an erotic massage occasionally, and just to masturbate when, how, and where i want to, and to eat when, where and what i want to.  Sounds simple, doesn’t it?

Although i don’t see me having a big breakup scene, or just leaving unannounced someday i am working toward becoming a stronger person and taking a stand against the strong, but subtle control he has on me. Only time and a stronger ego can tell what may happen.

On a lighter, happier note i hired a Life Coach.  He is helping me set goals for my life, working with me to potentially enter a career that will not tax me physically.  He is holding me accountable to the goals we set at each call.  i am moving toward a career in Life Coaching as well.  Many coaches work via telephone or Skype or even Zoom conference rooms, so there would be no need for an office, or to commute or to hold a routine 8-5 schedule every day.  i am taking a course to become certified and hope to begin working as a coach in the next month or so.  Hope i get loads of Leatherfolk as clients!  i highly recommend Life Coaching if you are stuck in some aspect of your life.  
Thanks for reading,

boy stray