Late Night Musings

It’s 4:30 am.  Can’t sleep!  my mind is flooded with thoughts.  Why so much drama in all circles and aspects of life?  Not just mine. It seems everyone has drama or that there is always someone who stirs the drama pot for everyone around them.

i heard something yesterday about “someone” in another Leather club is making disparaging remarks about the boys of Leather club I belong to.  Anything negative about my club has to be an out and out lie because, although small, we raise funds and donate quite a bit of money to different non-profit agencies and organizations that provide services to children, animals, various illnesses including HIV/AIDS, and the Leather Archives and Museum.  We are a small, but cohesive group.  And i think most of us actually likes each other.

As a boys club we are by definition all boys.  we can’t or don’t offer BDSM play in or as a part of our meetings.  After all, who would be the Dom?  However, the other club does periodically offer demonstrations and play because their membership includes both boys and Doms.  i have been trying to become a member of that club as well, but it’s been a hard nut to crack.  So, i may just proudly stay a boys club member only.

The other day my boys club sponsored a team building, fun activity at an Escape Room.  It seems these are becoming popular all over the country.  This particular place offered four different themed rooms to choose from.  Our room involved a series of murders.  We were “locked” in a room for sixty minutes during which time we had to find and evaluate various clues, which, if done correctly, moved us closer to our goal of escaping.  Nine of us went, two emerged as principle or primary clue finders and decipherers.  i, for the most part, was left scratching my head.  i had difficulty connecting the dots.  Anyway, we did escape with 5 whole seconds to spare.  It was quite fun.  Leaders and followers emerged quickly.  One was a bit daffy.  One got irritable with the daffy boy.  But most worked together pretty well.  we emerged with glowing reviews and laughter, each saying they’d like to do it again.

It’s been just a week since i returned from my BDSM workshop.  It is quickly fading into memory with a return to real life.  The glow of the weekend and the intense sensation play are dimming.  i long for a repeat.  i long for something semi-permanent.  To be of service, to service, to offer myself for the gratification of Another…  However, i haven’t contacted the Dom i played with a couple weeks ago.  Too many things were obstacles for me, i suppose. The primary reason was the fact that the Dom was a sexual bottom.  my exclusionary criteria is low, but i do insist my Dom be a sexual Top.  i bottom.  That’s what i do.  That’s who i am!  

i keep thinking i will write about Abuse in Relationships, and i will.  Soon.  i just need to plant my feet securely to the ground once again.

boy stray

Enlightenment and Happiness 

my BDSM workshop was far beyond my wildest dreams, hopes, and imagination.  The two and a half days were filled with camaraderie, education, and assignments to evoke deep thought about D/s play and relationships, demonstrations, and hands-on practice of everything taught over the weekend.  

There were twenty gay and bisexual men ranging in ages from 30’s to 75.  All sizes, shapes and penis lengths were represented.  Unfortunately one thing i noticed was an absence of African American men.  Asian and Latino men were minimally represented.  So, it was mostly middle aged and older white guys.

W/we bonded quickly through a series of “getting to know you” exercises, and then the rest of the weekend was spent primarily naked and extremely close to each other.

Saturday i was put into a rope harness for the first time.  It was an exercise to instill a sense of submissiveness into each participant.  Then, W/we learned how to spank and use a flogger.  W/we each gave and received both.  i quickly learned, or more accurately had it reinforced, that I am a submissive, because I did not enjoy flogging others; it did not excite me in the least.  However, i did like giving a spanking for a short time.  However, W/we had to spank for 45 minutes using all three positions: over the knee, on all fours, and froggy.  Man, did my arm get exhausted.  The position i liked best was froggy.  i could easily see his butt, legs, back and head.  i had easy access to his ass for spanking.  i could watch as his cheeks turned from pink to Rosie Red.

The flogging practice with me as the sub was so intense.  i kept having flashes of white lights over and over.  Then feelings began to well up in me and i had this overwhelming sense of happiness to the point of having tears in my eyes.  They were definitely tears of happiness and not from pain.  i felt joyful.  i had found something I want and need as a part of my life going forward.  Yes, I felt the sting and thud of the flogger.  Yes, i felt each blow as i was simultaneously spanked. But, i was happy that i had finally experienced what i had longed for and dreamed of for years.  They were indeed tears of happiness.  

Sunday, we learned about another type of rope bondage harness as well as the use of clothes pins for tit torture (or stimulation) and cock and ball bondage, balls weights, and CBT – cock & ball torture.  i was blindfolded, bound with the rope, cock tied up, and clothes pins applied – and I felt nothing.  I could hardly tell the clothes pins were on my nipples.  Others were applied elsewhere with the same minimal stimulation.  Weights were carefully tied to the cord binding my cock and balls.  Then, lowered slowly.  After several seconds i asked if they were on as i felt – nothing.  They were indeed on.  They proceeded to parade me around the room, ball weights swinging, and the feeling of submission and helplessness constant.  Then, the flogging, spanking, and CBT began.  It was the CBT that made me weak in the knees.  The sensation was intense, stimulating, and teasingly erotic.

Later we discussed desire.  Expressing what you desire and getting it, or negotiating for a compromised desire.  And then acting out your desire.  W/we each were assigned to come up with a fantasy we would like to have happen that afternoon.  In groups of three we all had our desire met, then functioned as the Top, and then as the assistant for another man’s desire.  As my fantasy desire was being met and the two men acting out my fantasy were yelling, mocking, and jeering me, the room seemed to have emptied completely except us three.  No other sound could be heard or action felt by me, except what was taking place in my scenario.  i did not see colors this time – only blackness.  But even in the darkness, and the quietness of the room i became aware of a feeling of enlightenment.  Now, i think i must have felt the authentic me amidst the intense pain/pleasure of that experience.

The marks and redness from the flogging and spanking quickly resolved, but the warmth and internal glow of happiness, awareness, authenticity, and enlightenment continue to burn eagerly in my soul.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Excitement and Anticipation 

In approximately 36 hours i fly away to a weekend long BDSM oriented workshop that incorporates intimacy with the play scenes.  i am approaching the weekend with excitement,  anticipation, and a mixture of fear.  Y/you see i hate flying.  i have passed on trips to Europe because of fear of flying.  But this short workshop was so enticing i could not let the opportunity to attend pass me by.  So i sucked up my courage and bought my ticket.  

i don’t know what to expect really, other than we were told to bring rope of 4 specific lengths and given the option to bring other toys like floggers and paddles.  i guess i am expecting some education and practice with bondage and impact play.  W/we were given a few writing assignments to complete prior to arrival and were told we could bring some favorite accessories.

The accessories i am taking are a couple of cock rings, a penis plug, and cock cage/chastity device.  Also, i have packed my leather vest with my boy’s club patch on it.

i am hoping to learn and experience a great deal in this brief weekend training.  While i have attended an intimacy workshop and numerous BDSM classes, this is the first combination of the two.

my flight leaves at 6 am Friday and i return Monday night late, so i may not get to post my after event musings until Tuesday, but then again, i do have a lot of airport downtime coming home.

More later.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

It Finally Happened

Lots of texts messages, titillating electronic conversations, planning and scheduling happened between the Dom and me. 

Then, it finally happened.  Schedules aligned, His health was stable, my fears were lessened and my desire for a real BDSM play session was the only thing i could think of.

i was ordered to wear leather.  i did.  i arrived exactly at the designated time. When i walked into the condo Sir was seated on the sofa wearing a black SIR t shirt and red nylon shorts.  Also, He was tethered to a really long oxygen tube.  i stood at attention awaiting directions, orders, the offer to be seated or the offer of a drink.  I received none.  He proceeded to talk, and talk, and talk.  Approximately an hour later i was shown the balcony area and the bedroom…And a walkin closet full of leather vests, pants, covers and caps, an extremely heavy full leather jacket and dozens of t shirts.  Then, i was shown the toy box filled with everything you could think you might need.  A flogger and paddle hung on the wall.

By now i had been there going on two hours.  And so far no sex, no play, no nudity, and not even a drink of water. 

He decided it was time to play.  Mostly He was feeling up to deep kissing which was very sensual and a big turnon.  Also, He was into receiving oral sex.  He did return fellatio with a bit of genital pain included…a nice touch.  He did do some impact play while He was being done – such as hard slaps to the pecs and ass slaps.

He wanted desperately to get off, but could only accomplish that with intense pain to His nipples.  i bit one so hard i feared severing it or at least inducing severe bleeding. The other nipple i gripped tightly, pinched and twisted as hard as i possibly could.  He exploded in relief.

In the post coital conversation He said He was more bottom, a pain pig, wanted to get fucked, couldn’t be with a total bottom, and how much He relies on intense pain to reach orgasm. This is everything i am and the opposite of what i want in my Dom.

He is a Dominant who is a sexual bottom??

i am confused.  Disappointed. 

i want a Dom who is a Top – a total Top.  He may have been a sub bottom before, but now He needs to be exclusively a Top. i am a bottom, a sub bottom.  Not a switch.  Not versatile.   A Bottom.

Saturday He texted wanting to flog me.  i wanted to in ways, but made up an excuse so i wouldn’t have to go.  i remain disappointed that He is the opposite of what i want/need.  i need to be honest with him but i am not sure i can be.  But, i will try.

boy stray’s quest continues…

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Getting Back on the Horse

i have always heard “if you fall off a horse, get right back on it!”

So, that’s what i hope to do.  i have chronicled my ups and downs searching for a Dom, a play partner…just someone with whom i could relieve this intense pent up need and desire.  Then out of the blue i sent an innocuous ‘smile’ from a hookup site to a Dom.  He responded favorably.  W/we emailed quite a bit. Then i gave Him my cell number so He could text me.  W/we have texted nearly every day for a week.

From O/our conversations W/we believe W/we are each other’s “type” meaning overall looks, likes and dislikes, and similar fetishes and kinks.

However, He is recuperating from a serious illness which has left Him weak and easily fatigued.  The stars aligned next week for U/us to meet socially to size each other up, discuss in more detail our BDSM likes, hard limits, begin negotiations, and if all goes well set up a play date as His health will allow.  Originally W/we were going to hookup Wednesday night, but i reached out to do the social interaction first, then proceed if all goes well.

Y/you never know.  There might be a funny vibe that is felt, or a word or phase that strikes you as concerning or a red Flag warning.  Everything I read says to follow your gut feeling.  If anything seems strange or out of the ordinary end the interaction.  Also, I read not to meet socially and end up at the person’s place the same day.  Too risky.

i am trying not to expect too much, or to begin planning O/our Leather wedding, but i do hope a mutual friendship develops as a D/s relationship of sorts with periodic play that meets both O/our needs.

Early in my Blogging i wrote a post about “Someday He’ll Come Along”, and He was a knight on a white horse. This time my imagery is of myself trying to get back on the horse since my earlier posts about a potential budding relationship between a Master and me told how it went down in flames, and how it made me feel.

What i think i am slowly learning from that experience is that if someone says you are not their type, or they don’t have time to deal with you, or you begin to feel you are being played, ignored or used, or your relationship actually ends…there is someone else out there for you.  Y/you may kiss a lot of frogs along the way but someday He’ll come along.  You just have to be ready to get back on that horse.

Last night W/we spent about six hours texting about life, health, kink, relationships, what each of U/us is looking for, and even some titillating texting.

W/we moved up our meeting to today.

W/we had lunch together.  He liked me and wants to play!

Thanks for reading,

boy stray  

Back to “Normal”

i wrote months ago about an awkward situation with my vanilla husband related to my association with the Leather community and a particular Leather Master.

It was a long, long period of estrangement and hurt feelings because of a misunderstanding and jumping to conclusions on his part. Very slowly and with tiny baby steps he worked his way back from near divorce to practically being back to normal  – or at least the way it was before my misdirected text message. He is still trying to understand my attraction to or seemingly sudden affinity for Leather and BDSM.  But, that is something he still has to work through. His passive aggressive comments haven’t had any effect on me, which is different for our relationship. i use to easily bend to his will.

Another almost back to normal relationship is with the Person i called my Mentor, Protector, and Guardian even though He never verbalized that He was taking on any of those roles with me.  W/we too had a misunderstanding months ago. i pleaded and begged Him not to turn His back on me.  i apologized profusely even though i think what i did was not any kind of direct offense to Him or disobeying orders. However, it did involve not telling Him that i was taking a six week class on exploring submission.  And as fate sometimes has it, He visited the instructor the first night of class and saw me waiting for it to begin. He was cold, aloof, and wouldn’t respond to texts after that night.

Anyway, i eventually gave up trying to reestablish a relationship with Him.  Then, after i attempted to start a BDSM mentoring group  – not too successfully  – i reached out to Him for help. W/we talked through text many times with me trying to describe my vision for the group and listening to His suggestions.  W/we then came to an agreement to work together to try to generate interest and build a group. Even with Sir’s guidance the group didn’t take off.  Guess there isn’t as much need for mentoring in the gay BDSM community as i thought or else i just didn’t get the word out enough.

Now when i see Sir out He always asks for a hug.  Recently i attended a class He taught on Hot Wax play.  i had taken the class before but wanted to continue to solidify the relationship between U/us, to support Him in His class, and to meet a newbie guy i had met on FetLife. 

So, if you allow enough time to pass sometimes with love or a strong desire to reestablish a relationship with a lover, spouse, or BDSM M/mentor it can be done.  But, in these to instances i believe my spouse and i had a strong love connection beforehand. With Sir there was deep respect, and an instance where He was critically needed and valued, and i showed perseverance in trying to reestablish O/our previous sense of comfortability. And eventually He responded favorably. 

Wishing Y/you peace, love, and little drama in Y/your relationships. 

Thanks for reading, 

boy stray 

Questions about being a submissive, and Questions for Doms

Have Y/you ever wondered what Y/you were supposed to do, think or feel about being a submissive or a Dominant?  Did you have questions for Doms or subs but were afraid to ask?

Here are a few questions i would ask about being a sub, and some questions i would pose to Dominants, if the opportunity arose.

What questions do Y/you have that Y/you want answered?

Add a comment to this post to respond to a question or to submit a question you have had for a while.

Hopefully we’ll add more questions, get some answers, and open a dialogue between Doms and subs.
                  Questions of Mine

  • Should a boy be clean shaven – not even a moustache 
  • Should a boy keep his hair short?
  • Should a boy shave his pubes and balls?
  • Should a boy shave his ass?
  • Should a boy call every Dom and Master “SIR ” from the very beginning?
  • What do Doms look for in a potential submissive boy?
  • What do Doms really think/feel if a sub uses a safe word?
  • Are most Doms trying to be intimidating or is it the nature of Dominants, or am i being too easily intimidated?
  • Do most Doms have just a few special kinks in Their repertoire or are They well versed in a variety of different skills?
  • What is it with the Cigar craze? 
  •  Don’t Doms know cigars kill the same way cigarettes do, but in a more pervasive, smelly way?
  • Is the role of a Dom becoming fuzzy and more indistinguishable from a submissive?
  • Why is it becoming harder to tell a sub from a Dom in social situations or at Leather bars?
  • Are Doms softening over time?
  • Why is more sex being had at gay male Leather play parties than actual BDSM scenes?
  • At a play party how should a sub ask a Dom to do a scene with him?
  • Is a boy supposed to approach an unfamiliar Dom initially, or is it the Dom’s place to pursue His prospective boy?
  • Are there a lot of Dominants who are actually bottoms in sex, giving the role of top to His boy?
  • What things have You experienced that immediately ended a scene?

i hope more questions are generated and that responses to the current questions will be submitted by many M/men and women sharing T/their perspective. 

Thanks for reading,

boy stray