Real Online LDR or Real Prick Tease

My marriage is not perfect, but whose is?  We’ve only been officially married 2 1/2 years, but have been together 37 years.  As i related in a previous post we had a drastic estrangement last September when it came out how deeply i was integrating into the Leather BDSM Kink lifestyle. 

Over the years i have been told repeatedly by a series of therapists to end my relationship because of codependence and ongoing difficulties between us.   However, i couldn’t leave, and didn’t want to.  There was love, friendship, companionship, compatibility, lots of history with both ups and downs, illnesses, near deaths for each of us, many family member’s deaths, and most of our friends had died of AIDS.  And of course the codependence!

The major thing missing from my life and needs seemed to be a healthy (and kinky) sex life.  But now, i feel i need a deep emotional and passionate relationship to go with the hot sex life.

For years i have been on many gay hookup sites looking for those brief anonymous, wild and passionate hookups.  Unfortunately, it mostly ended up just being picture perusal and an occasional chat, but very seldom any hookups.

Last week a new app notice appeared in my email inbox, so i thought i would give it a try.  Within a couple of hours of getting the app & submitting my profile, my first email arrived. It was from a handsome man, 52 years old, BUT he lives in another country. His message was very sweet and special so i responded.  i have to say i also got a dozen more messages from guys all over the world that i deleted immediately.  

This man, a doctor – he says – and i have texted several times daily every since we first met.  Some of his story made me wonder if he is being truthful.  According to him he is in a special military unit as a doctor – an email was sent to me from a medical related email, so i tend to believe that. Yesterday he said he was being sent to a middle eastern war zone country  – and then later he texted his google location, & sure enough it shows he is there in the thick of the fighting. Yipes!

i look forward to each text.  i am fearing for his life.  i am praying he returns to the safety of his home country soon.

The big caveat  – he has proclaimed his love for me already and states he wants to be together and that the distance can be overcome if there is enough desire to continue the relationship. 

So, i am having an emotional affair. It feels much different from the infrequent sexual hookups i was having.  i am not saying i feel guilty, but i worry that i could end up being a prick tease for my doctor/soldier/lover man.  I have not told him about my relationship status, physical problems or HIV status, but he hasn’t asked either.

i have fantasized about moving to his European country escaping my current life.  But, i know, well…i think i know it is just a fantasy.  i do not want to hurt my husband.  I couldn’t move to another country while my father is still living. Of course, we would have to meet in person to test compatibility, sexual compatibility, and see if he truly has a BDSM side as he indicated in his online profile. He did say he is versatile and tends more submissive.  Hummm. 

Tell me now, am i in fantasyland? Could it really work out?  Am i infatuated?  Is it budding love?  Am i wanting an escape route? Or am i being a prick tease?  

Y/you can be honest.  What do you think?

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

50 Reasons Why A Submissive Should Serve

Dominant Male Training 
December 16, 2016

Dominant Male Training, Dominatrix Training, female submissive training, Male Submissive Training By The BDSM Training Academy

One of the biggest misconceptions I hear from people about Dom/sub relationships. Is that the relationship is only about sex. While some Dom/sub relationships can be, for many Dom/sub relationships involves so much more.

A Dom/sub relationship gives people involved an opportunity to live a completely harmonious and balanced life with their partner in an emotional, spiritual and physical capacity. It develops a relationship where each partner knows and understands their roles, allowing for a balance between personalities, skills, emotional needs and physical desires. It provides an opportunity for both partners to work together as one harmonious unit to be able to reach the objectives that will better serve the couple. As described in ancient Chinese philosophy, it is the balance between ying and yang. It is this balance that provides such a strong foundation for the Dom/sub relationship.

So why am I telling you this? Why don’t I just explain why slaves should serve? The reason why I express this is because I believe this message becomes lost behind many people’s sexual desires. They forget that some of the biggest reasons for a slave to serve and a Dominant to control are rooted deeply within developing a beautiful loving relationship that provides the support that each partner needs throughout life.

Two people are capable of doing and experiencing so much more, when they are able to live and work together in a harmonious and balanced environment.

Regards,

Master Bishop

One submissive’s perspective:

Relational

1. To create a relationship of trust, care and humor that will sustain and nourish him so that time together is renewing for him

2. To create an environment in which there is the balance between the peace needed when he is stressed and the chaotic playfulness needed when he wants to be energized and have fun

3. To create an environment in which the Dominant may continue to grow and develop in his dominance

4. To be a listening heart and ear

5. To search for solutions and to offer a constructive critique in the process of problem solving

6. To become the submissive/slave with whom he wishes to associate and with whom he wishes to invest his time

7. To be the ying to his yang

8. To co-join my power to his power to enhance his power

9. To understand his wants and desires so as to anticipate and meet them

10. To cultivate the attitudes, thoughts and behaviors that demonstrates the honor and respect due to him

11. To simply be open to him in whatever way he desires

12. To learn to love deeply (The word ‘love’ is used in the sense of ‘to will the very best for another’ and not as a romantic notion.)

13. As a single person living alone for another single person living alone, to watch over him in friendship

Pleasure

14. To bring him pleasure—physical, intellectual and spiritual

15. To be a dinner companion/to provide dinner if not going out

16. To be a film and theatre companion

17. To be a walking/sports companion

18. To be a travel companion when appropriate/possible

19. To fulfill his fantasies

20. To provide for his entertainment

21. To be used sensually and sexually however and whenever he desires and by whomever he wishes

22. To give my body for his enjoyment of BDSM activities/practices/fetishes

Intellectual

23. To be an intellectual sounding board for philosophical and political ideas

24. To research according to his wishes

25. To help in his continuing self-education

26. To challenge and surprise him in such a way that his horizon of understanding is broadened

27. To reflect upon issues and write for him

28. To read for and to him

Medicinal/Physical

29. To be a masseur for painful joints and feet

30. To monitor blood pressure/health and keep records

31. To encourage him in a healthy lifestyle

32. To bath and to provide bodily care for him when necessary/appropriate/desired

33. To worship his body

34. To help and care for him in times of physical need such as sickness, operations etc.

General

35. To do those tasks for which the Dominant has little or no training, resources or time e.g. computer, video editing, etc.

36. To chauffeur when necessary

37. To be a dog/pet minder when necessary

38. To serve and undertake tasks/chores as directed/desired, including domestic chores

Personal

39. Through service to him and through his lessons, to grow and develop in submission

40. To grow as a submissive towards the privilege of giving my all to him as he wills

41. To demonstrate gratitude and appreciation for the time and effort which he puts into planning my training

42. To grow in trust and learning to let go of control

43. To grow in obedience

44. To accept guidance and direction

45. For the stability and structure he brings to my life

46. For the freedom that is his gift to me through his dominance

47. In thankfulness for his acceptance of this flawed human being

48. To delight in his wisdom

49. Through service, to have my own sensual/sexual/BDSM desires met when he pleases

50. For the pleasure of serving him and because it is my choice to serve him

Another submissive’s list:

1. To please Him

2. To service all his sexual desires

3. To make Master proud

4. To provide Master with emotional support

5. To learn how to relinquish all control to Him

6. To understand what He wants and to provide it for Him

7. To share completely in His life.

8. To thank Him for choosing me.

9. To show Him that He is the most important thing in my life

10. To show my gratitude for His love.

11. To show my gratitude for His kindness.

12. To show my gratitude to Him for knowing what is best for me.

13. To show how much I trust Him.

14. To learn patience.

15. To learn to trust and move past my insecurities.

16. To show how proud I am to belong to such a wonderful Master.

17. To learn to anticipate his needs and provide them without being asked.

18. To show Him the extent of my desires for Him.

19. To show my appreciation for His willingness to take care of me.

20. To show my appreciation for how hard He works to take care of me.

21. To show Him that I recognize the sacrifices He has made for me.

22. To help relieve His stress

23. To show that I can give Him a clean organized house to come home to after His long day at work.

24. To show Him that I respect Him as my Master, Husband and Friend.

25. To give him peace of mind when things around Him are chaotic.

26. To provide Him with comfort and understanding.

27. To provide Him with humor when He is sad.

28. To share in His dreams.

29. To grow our relationship beyond sex and duty

30. To experience total submission when my need to be in control is not in His best interest.

31. To learn to love more deeply.

32. To understand that I can be a strong, independent person without being in control.

33. To take responsibility for the day to day chores so that He can concentrate on His life/career/Dominance.

34. To learn to be graceful and respectful to Him at all times.

35. To learn how to put my wants aside to fulfill His first.

36. To ignite His passion

37. To bring Him to sexual heights He has only dreamed about.

38. To show how completely devoted I am to Him only.

39. To prove that I am worthy of His love

40. To prove that I am willing to try to fill all His need and desires.

41. To bring him laughter

42. To give Him my heart, mind, body and soul with complete confidence and trust knowing that He will never hurt me.

43. To give him my support for all the decisions He must make in order to provide for me.

44. To relieve the burdens He carries by taking care of me.

45. To offer my opinions, suggestions and help when He is faced with a dilemma and when He asks.

46. To help create a life-long relationship built on trust, respect, and a deep knowledge of His needs and desires.

47. To fulfill His fantasies.

48. To become more than just His partner but to become His only desire.

49. To earn the right to be – first in His heart, mind, body and soul.

50. To show that I am the one person He has been waiting for. The one person He wants to share His life with. The one person he knows He can trust to always put Him first and to never disrespect, dishonor or disobey Him.

================================================================

 This article was edited from a post received from the BDSM Training Academy. It is a great resource and provides a great deal of information to consider for those seeking to enter into a D/s relationship.

Check out the BDSM Training ACADEMY

Domestic Abuse

Over the years i have heard time after time that BDSM is abusive to the submissive or bottom person in a D/s or M/s relationship. Most often it had to do with the sub’s position in play – usually that of the recipient of control in the form of bondage or of pain.  What the general public is not aware of is the basic tenet of BDSM – safe, sane, & consensual.  They don’t understand how or why a person would submit willingly to the infliction of pain, so of course they assume the submissive is being coerced or abused.  While this can and probably does happen at times in BDSM relationships, i believe it has more to do with the individual’s psychological make-up than the presence of the BDSM dynamic.

i thought tonight i would elucidate the problems of domestic abuse, so Y/you will have a greater understanding of the types of abuse and be able to identify abusive tactics employed by the perpetrators.

Generally, there are five categories of domestic abuse:

  • Physical 
  • Sexual 
  • Emotional 
  • Financial 
  • Identity

These categories are not exclusive meaning an abuser may utilize tactics from more than one category in order to maintain control over the victimized person.

PHYSICAL ABUSE

Physical violence or even the threat of violence is intended to enhance the power and control of the abuser over the partner.  Physical abuse can be defined as the threat of harm or any forceful physical behavior that intentionally or accidentally causes bodily harm or property destruction, including:

  1. Hitting, beating, choking, pushing, slapping, kicking, pulling hair, biting, punching, backhanding, arm twisting, shoving, kicking or burning.
  2. Threatening to use or using a weapon against the partner
  3. Punching walls or doors
  4. Stalking
  5. Denying or interfering with the partner meeting their basic physical needs (e.g. Eating and sleeping)
  6. Smashing, damaging, stealing, or selling the partner’s possessions 

Physical abuse also can be used against children, pets, and even the partner’s family & friends

***Recently i was told one should know their potential partner in BDSM well since most of the consensual activities could be considered felonies***

SEXUAL ABUSE 

Sexual abuse is any forced or coerced sexual activity or behavior motivated to build power and control over the partner.  It can also be any contact meant to demean or humiliate the partner and instill feelings of shame and vulnerability.

Examples are:

  1. Unwanted touching 
  2. Demeaning remarks
  3. Berating partner about sexual history 
  4. Forcing sex without consent 
  5. Rape
  6. Rape with an object 
  7. Refusing to comply with request for safe sex
  8. Coercing partner into sex with others
  9. Unwanted sadistic acts

Some forms of sexual abuse are crimes

EMOTIONAL/PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE 

Emotional abuse is the use of words, voice, action, or lack of action meant to control, hurt or demean another person.  It typically includes ridicule, intimidation or coercion.

Behaviors include:

  1. Verbal threats
  2. Demeaning person in front of friends, family, or even strangers
  3. Constant criticism or humiliation yelling to intimidate 
  4. Obsessive jealousy 
  5. Being irresponsible with money
  6. Using insults, sarcasm or sneering 

Frequently the abuser is seeking to socially isolate the partner.  Behaviors used to socially isolate include:

  1. Blaming partner’s friends or family for their relationship problems
  2. Monitoring phone calls, mail, or visits 
  3. Demanding an account of daily activities
  4. Insulting, threatening or assaulting the partner’s friends or family to drive them away
  5. Stalking or using other means of surveillance 

FINANCIAL ABUSE

Financial abuse is the use or misuse of the partner’s financial or other monetary resources without the partner’s freely given consent.

Common examples include:

  1. Forbidding the partner to work
  2. Refusing to work yet contributing to expenses
  3. Controlling shared resources 
  4. Demanding partner account for all the money they spend
  5. Taking credit cards, money, or checkbook 
  6. Forging partner’s signature on financial documents

IDENTITY ABUSE 

Identity abuse is the use of personal characteristics to demean, manipulate and control the partner.  Some of these tactics overlap with other forms of abuse, particularly emotional abuse.  This category includes racism, sexism, ageism, able-ism, beauty-ism, and homophobia.  Also the fear of being outed as a kinky person can be a form of identity abuse.

Examples are:

  1. Outing or threatening to out someone
  2. Asserting partner will never have another relationship because they are too ugly or too old
  3. Blaming the abuse on the person’s identity (gay, bisexual) or behavior (S&M)
  4. Exploiting partner’s internalized racism
  5. Ridiculing partner’s physical challenges 

 i am simply listing the characteristics of Abusive Men

  • Control – achieved through criticism, verbal abuse, financial control, isolation, cruelty 
  • Entitlement – belief in having special rights without responsibilities 
  • Selfishness & Self-centeredness – expectation of being center of attention, having needs anticipated
  • Superiority  – contempt for partner as stupid, unworthy or as house keeper 
  • Possessiveness  – seeing partner as property 
  • Confusing Love & Abuse – explains violence as expression of deep love
  • Manipulativeness – confusion, distortion, lies. Projects self as good, while portraying partner as crazy or abusive
  • Contradictory Statements & Behaviors – saying one thing and doing another
  • Externalization of Responsibility  – shifting blame for their actions to others, especially the partner 
  • Denial, Minimalization, & Victim Blaming – not acknowledging the seriousness of his behavior and its effects
  • Serial Battering – abusive in one relationship after another

Men can exhibit some or all of these characteristics and NEVER PHYSICALLY assault a partner


Some of this material was edited or summarized from Lundy Bancroft & Jay Silverman (2002).  The Batterer as Parent: Addressing the Impact of Domestic Violence on Family Dynamics.  Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications.
Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Late Night Musings

It’s 4:30 am.  Can’t sleep!  my mind is flooded with thoughts.  Why so much drama in all circles and aspects of life?  Not just mine. It seems everyone has drama or that there is always someone who stirs the drama pot for everyone around them.

i heard something yesterday about “someone” in another Leather club is making disparaging remarks about the boys of Leather club I belong to.  Anything negative about my club has to be an out and out lie because, although small, we raise funds and donate quite a bit of money to different non-profit agencies and organizations that provide services to children, animals, various illnesses including HIV/AIDS, and the Leather Archives and Museum.  We are a small, but cohesive group.  And i think most of us actually likes each other.

As a boys club we are by definition all boys.  we can’t or don’t offer BDSM play in or as a part of our meetings.  After all, who would be the Dom?  However, the other club does periodically offer demonstrations and play because their membership includes both boys and Doms.  i have been trying to become a member of that club as well, but it’s been a hard nut to crack.  So, i may just proudly stay a boys club member only.

The other day my boys club sponsored a team building, fun activity at an Escape Room.  It seems these are becoming popular all over the country.  This particular place offered four different themed rooms to choose from.  Our room involved a series of murders.  We were “locked” in a room for sixty minutes during which time we had to find and evaluate various clues, which, if done correctly, moved us closer to our goal of escaping.  Nine of us went, two emerged as principle or primary clue finders and decipherers.  i, for the most part, was left scratching my head.  i had difficulty connecting the dots.  Anyway, we did escape with 5 whole seconds to spare.  It was quite fun.  Leaders and followers emerged quickly.  One was a bit daffy.  One got irritable with the daffy boy.  But most worked together pretty well.  we emerged with glowing reviews and laughter, each saying they’d like to do it again.

It’s been just a week since i returned from my BDSM workshop.  It is quickly fading into memory with a return to real life.  The glow of the weekend and the intense sensation play are dimming.  i long for a repeat.  i long for something semi-permanent.  To be of service, to service, to offer myself for the gratification of Another…  However, i haven’t contacted the Dom i played with a couple weeks ago.  Too many things were obstacles for me, i suppose. The primary reason was the fact that the Dom was a sexual bottom.  my exclusionary criteria is low, but i do insist my Dom be a sexual Top.  i bottom.  That’s what i do.  That’s who i am!  

i keep thinking i will write about Abuse in Relationships, and i will.  Soon.  i just need to plant my feet securely to the ground once again.

boy stray

Enlightenment and Happiness 

my BDSM workshop was far beyond my wildest dreams, hopes, and imagination.  The two and a half days were filled with camaraderie, education, and assignments to evoke deep thought about D/s play and relationships, demonstrations, and hands-on practice of everything taught over the weekend.  

There were twenty gay and bisexual men ranging in ages from 30’s to 75.  All sizes, shapes and penis lengths were represented.  Unfortunately one thing i noticed was an absence of African American men.  Asian and Latino men were minimally represented.  So, it was mostly middle aged and older white guys.

W/we bonded quickly through a series of “getting to know you” exercises, and then the rest of the weekend was spent primarily naked and extremely close to each other.

Saturday i was put into a rope harness for the first time.  It was an exercise to instill a sense of submissiveness into each participant.  Then, W/we learned how to spank and use a flogger.  W/we each gave and received both.  i quickly learned, or more accurately had it reinforced, that I am a submissive, because I did not enjoy flogging others; it did not excite me in the least.  However, i did like giving a spanking for a short time.  However, W/we had to spank for 45 minutes using all three positions: over the knee, on all fours, and froggy.  Man, did my arm get exhausted.  The position i liked best was froggy.  i could easily see his butt, legs, back and head.  i had easy access to his ass for spanking.  i could watch as his cheeks turned from pink to Rosie Red.

The flogging practice with me as the sub was so intense.  i kept having flashes of white lights over and over.  Then feelings began to well up in me and i had this overwhelming sense of happiness to the point of having tears in my eyes.  They were definitely tears of happiness and not from pain.  i felt joyful.  i had found something I want and need as a part of my life going forward.  Yes, I felt the sting and thud of the flogger.  Yes, i felt each blow as i was simultaneously spanked. But, i was happy that i had finally experienced what i had longed for and dreamed of for years.  They were indeed tears of happiness.  

Sunday, we learned about another type of rope bondage harness as well as the use of clothes pins for tit torture (or stimulation) and cock and ball bondage, balls weights, and CBT – cock & ball torture.  i was blindfolded, bound with the rope, cock tied up, and clothes pins applied – and I felt nothing.  I could hardly tell the clothes pins were on my nipples.  Others were applied elsewhere with the same minimal stimulation.  Weights were carefully tied to the cord binding my cock and balls.  Then, lowered slowly.  After several seconds i asked if they were on as i felt – nothing.  They were indeed on.  They proceeded to parade me around the room, ball weights swinging, and the feeling of submission and helplessness constant.  Then, the flogging, spanking, and CBT began.  It was the CBT that made me weak in the knees.  The sensation was intense, stimulating, and teasingly erotic.

Later we discussed desire.  Expressing what you desire and getting it, or negotiating for a compromised desire.  And then acting out your desire.  W/we each were assigned to come up with a fantasy we would like to have happen that afternoon.  In groups of three we all had our desire met, then functioned as the Top, and then as the assistant for another man’s desire.  As my fantasy desire was being met and the two men acting out my fantasy were yelling, mocking, and jeering me, the room seemed to have emptied completely except us three.  No other sound could be heard or action felt by me, except what was taking place in my scenario.  i did not see colors this time – only blackness.  But even in the darkness, and the quietness of the room i became aware of a feeling of enlightenment.  Now, i think i must have felt the authentic me amidst the intense pain/pleasure of that experience.

The marks and redness from the flogging and spanking quickly resolved, but the warmth and internal glow of happiness, awareness, authenticity, and enlightenment continue to burn eagerly in my soul.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Excitement and Anticipation 

In approximately 36 hours i fly away to a weekend long BDSM oriented workshop that incorporates intimacy with the play scenes.  i am approaching the weekend with excitement,  anticipation, and a mixture of fear.  Y/you see i hate flying.  i have passed on trips to Europe because of fear of flying.  But this short workshop was so enticing i could not let the opportunity to attend pass me by.  So i sucked up my courage and bought my ticket.  

i don’t know what to expect really, other than we were told to bring rope of 4 specific lengths and given the option to bring other toys like floggers and paddles.  i guess i am expecting some education and practice with bondage and impact play.  W/we were given a few writing assignments to complete prior to arrival and were told we could bring some favorite accessories.

The accessories i am taking are a couple of cock rings, a penis plug, and cock cage/chastity device.  Also, i have packed my leather vest with my boy’s club patch on it.

i am hoping to learn and experience a great deal in this brief weekend training.  While i have attended an intimacy workshop and numerous BDSM classes, this is the first combination of the two.

my flight leaves at 6 am Friday and i return Monday night late, so i may not get to post my after event musings until Tuesday, but then again, i do have a lot of airport downtime coming home.

More later.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray