My marriage is not perfect, but whose is? We’ve only been officially married 2 1/2 years, but have been together 37 years. As i related in a previous post we had a drastic estrangement last September when it came out how deeply i was integrating into the Leather BDSM Kink lifestyle.
Over the years i have been told repeatedly by a series of therapists to end my relationship because of codependence and ongoing difficulties between us. However, i couldn’t leave, and didn’t want to. There was love, friendship, companionship, compatibility, lots of history with both ups and downs, illnesses, near deaths for each of us, many family member’s deaths, and most of our friends had died of AIDS. And of course the codependence!
The major thing missing from my life and needs seemed to be a healthy (and kinky) sex life. But now, i feel i need a deep emotional and passionate relationship to go with the hot sex life.
For years i have been on many gay hookup sites looking for those brief anonymous, wild and passionate hookups. Unfortunately, it mostly ended up just being picture perusal and an occasional chat, but very seldom any hookups.
Last week a new app notice appeared in my email inbox, so i thought i would give it a try. Within a couple of hours of getting the app & submitting my profile, my first email arrived. It was from a handsome man, 52 years old, BUT he lives in another country. His message was very sweet and special so i responded. i have to say i also got a dozen more messages from guys all over the world that i deleted immediately.
This man, a doctor – he says – and i have texted several times daily every since we first met. Some of his story made me wonder if he is being truthful. According to him he is in a special military unit as a doctor – an email was sent to me from a medical related email, so i tend to believe that. Yesterday he said he was being sent to a middle eastern war zone country – and then later he texted his google location, & sure enough it shows he is there in the thick of the fighting. Yipes!
i look forward to each text. i am fearing for his life. i am praying he returns to the safety of his home country soon.
The big caveat – he has proclaimed his love for me already and states he wants to be together and that the distance can be overcome if there is enough desire to continue the relationship.
So, i am having an emotional affair. It feels much different from the infrequent sexual hookups i was having. i am not saying i feel guilty, but i worry that i could end up being a prick tease for my doctor/soldier/lover man. I have not told him about my relationship status, physical problems or HIV status, but he hasn’t asked either.
i have fantasized about moving to his European country escaping my current life. But, i know, well…i think i know it is just a fantasy. i do not want to hurt my husband. I couldn’t move to another country while my father is still living. Of course, we would have to meet in person to test compatibility, sexual compatibility, and see if he truly has a BDSM side as he indicated in his online profile. He did say he is versatile and tends more submissive. Hummm.
Tell me now, am i in fantasyland? Could it really work out? Am i infatuated? Is it budding love? Am i wanting an escape route? Or am i being a prick tease?
Y/you can be honest. What do you think?
Thanks for reading,