While the Cat’s Away, the mouse Might Play

my husband is out of town with friends enjoying a huge gay annual event (Gay Days in Orlando) filled with sun, pool parties, evening activities, concerts, and yes, probably lots of sex!!

But i am fine with that.  In fact i encouraged him to go so i could have some free time to go out and immerse myself into the Leather BDSM and Kink community. And maybe, just maybe, i will hookup with a Dom for a play scene.

my first free night was Thursday.  i planned my night, cleaned up – inside and out – just in case, and dressed in nice jeans, leather themed black tee shirt, and my leather bar vest.  

Uber got me to the bar between 9:30 and 10 pm.  i know…kinda early, but it was a school/work night.  i thought men would be out early.  The bar’s theme night was a “bulge” contest at midnight.  Surely i could moderate my drinking, cruise hot leather men, and socialize till the contest began.

As i walked into the Ramrod i saw the bar was sparsely populated, but there was a cute “Bear” seated across the bar.  He gave me The Look!  So i situated myself a couple seats from him and ordered a beer.

Mistake!

He was a BIG talker.  He was a bottom.  He said he wanted to suck my dick and have me spank him.  He was really drunk.  He did buy me a beer and a shot of bourbon.  Then, he suddenly leaned/fell toward me and stuck his tongue in my mouth.  Hmm.  What to do? Am i desperate?

Then, his partner arrived and i took the opportunity to hurriedly excuse myself.  

Friday night i pondered three choices.  i thought of going to a kind of fun, but seedy neighborhood bar, or to the a gay men’s sex club, or to a bathhouse catering to more mature men.  Friday was all about getting laid!

So, i ended up watching the last two episodes of The Amazing Race on Cable that i had missed.  And i was in bed by 11:30 pm.

i started writing this post this morning, Saturday, 6/3/17, which will likely show as the post date.  However, i have two more free nights of planned debauchery. 

Tonight there is an extremely popular monthly themed party at the Leather bar, The Ramrod, called Pig Dance. i AM going!  i AM going!  i will have to take a bar nap this afternoon so i am not to tired to go.  But, i AM going!  That’s my mantra for today.

The last Pig Dance i attended a few months ago had hundreds of hot men in all manner of dress and undress – from full Leather down to just a jock and boots.  They were all ages probably 20 to 80s, bears and twinks, hairy and smooth.  It was a smorgasbord of man meat.

i have no doubt the bar will again be packed to the rafters and even spilling out into the rear patio and the front parking lot.  It’s a dizzying aroma of sweat, male sex pheromones, booze, and cigarette & cigar smoke.  And the cacophony of thumping music and loud conversations will be deafening. But what fun.  The atmosphere is highly sexual and energizing. 

i went!  It was crowded and loud and smoky.  It was everything I expected.  But, i, i, was so uncomfortable in my own skin, in my own Leather, that i had one beer, walked around once and left about thirty minutes later.  Then, i took Uber to another bar, a small neighborhood bar, but it is actually situated in a commercial area.  It was busy.  When i walked in all the guys turned to see the new meat arrival.  i was cruised by a couple guys, but again i was bored and went home after about forty five minutes.

my mood and self esteem were low.  i wasn’t really sure i wanted to go out and probably shouldn’t have.  But, to counter the loneliness and insecurity I could have/should have asked one of my buddies to go with me.  But i didn’t!  

Those little tapes that play over and over in our heads sure can fuck up an otherwise great time.  

Sunday was my Leather boy’s club meeting.  i went and was upbeat and talkative.  Short meeting.  A couple of us went for a drink.  Enjoyed myself.  i thought i might go to a sex club Sunday night but didn’t – i shall tell Y/you why in my next post! 

Sorry to be a Debbie-downer this post.
Thanks for reading,

boy stray

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Gray Hair? boy?? WTF?

Tuesday night i was perusing the gay BDSM Kink hookup site when i noticed there was a new email in my box.  i opened the email and was shocked at what i read.

“Boy????  At 61 yrs of age and gray hair???  Boy?  WTF?”

Initially i felt hurt, attacked, put down, humiliated!

i have to admit to an initial discomfort being considered a boy by many Doms and subs in the gay Leather BDSM Community.  i couldn’t quite reconcile my age and mature appearance with being a boy.  

Now i thoroughly enjoy and relate to the role of a boy even with gray hair, and being beyond a certain age.

You see, in my mind being a leather boy is a mindset, an identity, a role assumed in the BDSM Leather community by a submissive male.  It has nothing to do with age or appearance.   It has everything to do with how one sees and expresses himself in the context of a BDSM relationship.  A BDSM boy is similar to a young child in some ways.  A boy wants guidance and direction, and occasionally needs discipline, and a leatherboy seeks a relationship with a male who will fulfill that role for him.  A boy wants to be good and to do as he is told.  he wants to be nurtured, cared for, and loved.

Those are all the things i seek as a leatherboy/submissive. 

This guy’s online attack was just a judgmental,  hateful attempt to undermine my self esteem, and likely an effort to make me reconsider whether i belong on that site.  

he lost on both counts!

The funny thing was that all through his profile he kept referring to himself as a pig. Now i wonder if everyone sees the irony of that because it apparently was outside his realm of awareness.  To him it was unfathomable that i consider myself a boy, but he whole heartedly identified with being a pig.  

So does he sleep in a pig pin, eat slop and lie for hours in the mud and filth all around him.  Doubt it.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

New Year, new me?

As i wrote before last year was the beginning of my transition, or transformation into a more authentic me.  my coming out as a Leather BDSM submissive began in earnest around July 2016.  When i began to exit that final closet i reached out and made connections, met some people, started attending Leather BDSM functions and made friends…good friends.  But, as i bought my leather gear and toys, and updated my recon.com ad, i was faced with a final incongruity.  i realized that my age, physical ability and body do not match the Leather boy vision i hold in my mind’s eye.  i see me in my mind as younger, healthier, more agile, and having a nice body.  Every once in a while i catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or window reflection and i am snapped back to my reality.  But, i know that as time keeps rolling along and if i stay on the current trajectory i would probably end up an old obese man unable to walk much at all, and likely reliant on others for my care.  What kind of Leather sub would that be?

i am in physical therapy again for the fourth time.  This time i have a weak painful left ankle and balance problems.  i have been going just a couple weeks so far.  But, one thing i am told over and over by doctors and therapists is “you need to join a gym.”  i finally heard and internalized that suggestion.  i waited until New Years resolution gym ads started appearing in the mail, I toured two facilities and actually joined one yesterday.  Today my physical assessment was done, my measurements, weight, and body fat analysis was done, and most humiliating was having the front and side view pictures taken.  

For years i have lived with HIV and a metabolic condition called Lipodystrophy.  It leeches out the subcutaneous fat from the arms, legs, butt and face redistributing it to the abdomen, chest and back.  If you can envision a baking potato with tooth picks for arms and legs you can get a general idea, albeit more, much more pronounced than in reality.  Viewing my image frontally in a mirror i look normal.  Turned to the side i look nine months pregnant.  How i think i look is not true to reality.  i absolutely hate seeing myself in mirrors.  And you know, gyms have freaking mirrors everywhere.

So, i am an official member of a nice gym.  i have lots of work to do.  i must remain realistic.  i am not going to build up so much that i will resemble Arnold Schwarzenegger. That is NOT my goal.  my goal is to lose abdominal fat, add strength and definition to my chest, arms, back, butt, thighs and calves.  i need increased strength and flexibility in my joints, especially my left ankle to decrease pain and increase stability and balance.

Why am i telling you this?  i need a support network.  i need someone to journey with me down this path…to hold me accountable.  Will you be my sounding board?

Another thing I did today was to get Botox injections in my forehead, between my eyes, and the outer perimeter of my eyes.     Also, i had a few little bumps burned off my face that had become focal points each time i gazed in the mirror.

A new me is going to emerge slowly over the course of this year so that how i think i look in my mind will align finally with reality.  Wish me luck.

All this is contingent on that man in the White House not getting us nuked in the next six months!!

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Invisible me?

Last night i went to the really happening, hot, extremely packed Leather bar in town for a boy’s club toy drive for Christmas. Whether or not this venue is a good choice for the drive is not really the question, but how many nearly naked, beefy muscular Leathermen do you know who carry toys…well, kid appropriate toys anyway, to a Leather bar?

So, I am dressed in my new, well fitting 501 Levi’s jeans, my requisite white tee shirt (a necessity for a leatherboy), my brand new “Bar Vest” with my recently received boy’s club’s emblem/patch freshly stitched on the back, and my clean, black leather combat boots and a standard black leather belt…i had just gotten my hair cut – looked great. And not that it could be seen, but i was also wearing a new, tight, hot little jock. Man, did I really feel great…my self esteem was way up there.

There were several club members there including a new boy wanting to join. i talked with him a lot and enjoyed our interaction. You see, he is new to this whole scene, and to the club, and my full membership in the club was just affirmed by vote in November. We pondered the same questions about who was a Dom & who was a sub, and enjoyed watching the men cruising each other around our donation table area.

When it came time to snap a couple photos i was asked to take the pics… not any of the nonmembers helping us out. Red Flag. I saw a submissive boy I knew from that six week class i just took, standing not 3 feet from me talking to a man, and repeatedly looking my way but never acknowledging my presence or existence. Red Flag! Guys would come up to drop money in the donation bucket, look at the other “boys”at the table and never look at or acknowledge me, even when i said, “thank you.” Red Flag! And, as gay boys are conditioned to do, i admired lots of men quite overtly, but Never saw or felt a returned admiring glance! Red Flag!

Am i fucking invisible? Did i unknowingly put on my secret cloak of invisibility when I got dressed? i checked in with myself. Yep, i still think i look good, I’m smiling, talking to my new friend. Was it me? Was i being too judgmental, or having unreasonable expectations?

So, what the hell?

Today i spent a little time trying to learn about why people feel invisible, or why they are ignored. Everything i read online pointed to low self esteem. But that, at least this time, was not what was going on. i am totally clueless about this.

Also, i employed a couple techniques i learned in PTSD treatment.  Those things/feelings happened.  It’s done.  It’s not me! So, to that i say “Whatever!” “Who Cares”and “So What!”

i believe it was NOT about me last night.  It was about them…those men and boys who were in their own little world, dealing with their own insecurities, and their own expectations and agendas for the night.

So, what is your take on this topic?  i hope some of you men and boys write me and let me know if this has happened to you; have you had similar experiences?  Or, have you consciously ignored someone in a social setting?

Make it a good week,
boy stray

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