Your Kink Is Not My Kink and Your Kink is Ok

As you may already have read in this blog, i am kind of a newbie to the Leather BDSM/Kink community trying to find my place, to fit in somewhere and to figure out just what it is i am into kink-wise.  Then, i heard someone say, “Your kink is not my kink and that is Ok.”  i suppose prior to hearing this i figured “one size fits most.”  i thought almost everyone in the BDSM & Kink community did essentially all the same things.  No real individualization, no venturing off into the really heavy stuff.  No experimentation!

What does that statement mean and why is it important to hear, internalize, and have it become a mantra of sorts….well, at least for most kinksters.

Actually I would prefer it to say, “Your kink may not be my kink and that is ok.”  To me this allows for the possibility that your kink, or at least some of your kinks, just might be my kinks as well.  Also, it says that it is ok if your kink is different from mine.  We all have certain kinks that excite us, intrigue us, turn us on, and get us off that might get a totally opposite reaction from other people.  Everyone is an individual in the world of kink, so to each his own!

i won’t judge you for what you like, and i hope you won’t judge me either.  It goes even further though.  I think in support of our fellow BDSM/Kink practitioners we shouldn’t even be negative or say that one activity or another is crazy or sick, or put a negative connotation on the kink or the person who likes it. Just as we might judge the kink of someone else, there might be another person branding us or our kink as sick or pathological.  i simply would say, “i don’t understand that kink, and it’s not for me.”  That short statement puts no judgment on the person who does it; it only says that that kink is not something i want to do.

i am not suggesting that you have no opinion on various activities, but voice your opinion in a non-judgmental way.

Maybe i don’t get into scat, or flogging, or sounding, or whatever, but it is Okay if a Sir and his boy like and participate in those kinky activities.  It is also Okay to experiment with various kinks.  You may have HARD limits, but you likely have a gray area of interests that you just aren’t sure about because you’ve never done them…As long as it is Safe, Sane, Consensual why not try it!

i like the thought of trying fire play, knife play, blood play, and hard impact play.  But, i’ve never done it.  i’ve seen a lot of play but i never saw anyone doing edge play.  It sounds really intense.  Another SIR and His boy may completely enjoy it.  It might be exciting and erotic.  But will i ever cross that threshold to actually engage in those kinks remains to be seen.  If i ultimately decide not to participate in those activities, all I need to remember is, “Your kink is not my kink and that is ok.”

A contrasting view of this statement is that some kink is wrong, disgusting, and/or dangerous.  This is an extremely judgemental view.  It seems to say “your kink is disgusting but my kink is normal, healthy, and acceptable, so you just need to do those things that i approve of and you’ll be okay.”

i would love to hear your reaction and thoughts on this.  Have you judged another person based on their personal kinks?  Has someone judged you for your kink?  What kink have you tried that just wasn’t something you’ll do again, and why?

My next post will be on “sub headspace.”  What is it, how do you get it, and what does it feel like?

Also, Monday will be my weekly post “Will, Won’t or Maybe Monday!”

Thanks for reading,

boy stray


SSC & RACK, huh?

Much of what i hear about in the BDSM community during my coming out and fitting in process is about personal safety…mine and the Doms.

i wrote before about my own stupidity in going too fast and not vetting my play partners.  Vetting is the process of getting to know the person you want to play with prior to any scene you may have with them.  you should find out about them as a person outside of kink.  you need to know their real name, hopefully address, perhaps something about their employment, and any friends in the community to vouch for them in terms of them being Safe, Sane and Consensual in their approach to BDSM/Kink play.

Safe – the Dom works His scene and plays from the standpoint of safety for all parties involved in the scene.  He tries to the best of His ability to make sure no harm comes to anyone though His or the other participants actions or inactions.  The submissive or bottom in the play is equally responsible for the safety of the other players as well.  Nothing is done to harm anyone, although inadvertent accidents can and most likely will occur from time to time.  Care and planning should take place in advance to ensure the quick release of a sub from bondage if necessary.  The sub could have circulation impairment or breathing restriction, or could have a seizure, a diabetic or cardiac emergency.  There could be cuts, abrasions, or burns that need attending too.

Every scene needs to be planned so most foreseeable accidents or medical problems can be averted.  Have a first aid kit on hand.  Have water or an electrolyte solution available for dehydration, orange juice or sugary drink available in case of a drop in blood sugar.  Know CPR!  Have a cell phone or landline phone on hand in case 911 must be called.

Sane – Know Y/your kink.  Have experience and really know how to a do whatever play activity Y/you plan to engage in.  Do NOTHING that intentionally causes unwanted pain, or other injury.  Y/you certainly don’t want to play with anyone who is unskilled and uncaring for your emotional and physical safety.  you don’t want a Dom ordering you to do anything that could get you arrested, like injuring someone else, or doing something illegal such as public exposure of genitals or public play.  Again this is where vetting comes in.  you don’t want a Dom who can not call an end to a scene that is becoming uncomfortable for Him to continue to participate in, or who will not stop the activity when the sub calls out the safe word to either slow down or even stop the scene.

Consensual – Y/you must give verbal or written permission for all activities that Y/you want or expect to happen during Y/your play session.  Written permission can take the form of reviewing and completing together the BDSM/Kink checklist of those things (activities) Y/you will and won’t do.  Y/you do not want to be restrained and have the Dom decide he wants to do fire play or use a Violet Wand on you when you explicitly said you absolutely do not want to do those things.  Implied consent should not even be considered an option.  Implied consent does not exist in BDSM/Kink play.  The sub may be too new, too excited to be playing, too uninformed, or too intimidated by the Dominant to speak up, to verbally and adamantly call an end to a scene, to exclaim RED! when that line has been crossed.  Silence does not mean consent is given.  It should be a sign to all participants that clarification and explicit consent needs to be obtained or withdrawn before proceeding with the activity.


RACK stands for Risk-Aware Consensual Kink.  RACK is different in that it allows players to choose for themselves the level of risk they are willing to take.  They may choose to play under the influence of alcohol or drugs, which is diametrically opposed to SSC principles.  RACK allows more flexibility in terms of what may be considered safe play.  Both concepts support the idea of the participants being consenting adults who are knowledgeable about the activities they are going to be doing and that they take precautions to reduce or prevent harm.  Each BDSM/Kink player must decide which concept works best for them based on their experiences and comfort level.

Examples of my naïveté and inexperience include having my belt removed and placed around my neck in an adult bookstore which I consented to.  However, i had taken an erection enhancement pill, so when He placed a popper bottle under my nose, and i didn’t stop Him, one short inhalation after the pill that lowers blood pressure and i went down like a lead weight.  He ran out of the booth leaving me on the floor, sweating profusely, embarrassed from the loud noise of falling on the condom and cum filled trash can, and then trying to compose myself enough to pull up my pants, put my belt back on and exist the building nonchalantly.

i believe i already mentioned in an earlier post about the Dom who ordered me to pull my shorts down exposing myself in a gazebo outside a coffee shop, then having me go to the men’s room where he used his belt to strike me on the back twice before I stopped him.

Then there were the two episodes where guys tried to fist me without my explicit consent, causing lots of pain, probably as much from their lack of skill as my inexperience with fisting.

i share these few brief examples to show my own lack of awareness and education about Safe, Sane, and Consensual play.  i was too eager for the opportunities to play.  I was too intimidated to say NO.  And my lack of giving or withdrawing consent was interpreted as “implied” consent putting me in dangerous and illegal situations.

i have learned a great deal and am internalizing the principles of SSC play.  Hopefully now i will be better prepared to give or withdraw my consent overtly, and not silently go with whatever happens despite the risks/dangers by having the Dom believe i am giving implied consent to the activity.

Do educate yourself about SSC and RACK.  Don’t be so horny that your principles go out the window.  Don’t let anyone assume you are giving implied consent by remaining silent when certain unpleasant or unwanted activities begin.  Don’t let a Dom intimidate you into silence!  Advocate for your own safety!

Thanks for reading.  Be safe!

boy stray