My Dungeon of Despair 

Still waters run deep is a saying i have heard since i was a young fellow – maybe early teens.  In the weeks since i last posted many things began swirling in my mind and body.  i realize that on the surface I tend to appear calm, peaceful, passive and shy, but my true spirit runs deep in my soul.  

i noticed that without a Dom Leather BDSM life can be downright boring if not nonexistent.  i have tried to keep a connection online through FetLife, the Leather Kink site Recon.com, and even on the site Adam4Adam.com which occasionally has some kinky men online.  i wear my leather wrist band all the time except showering or doing dishes.  It’s a constant reminder of who i am, and where i want to be.

my therapist keeps hitting me with the earth shaking idea of separating from my partner of many, many years.  He keeps pointing out the codependent nature of the relationship, the subtle yet harmful ways the partner’s actions and inactions could be considered domestic abuse even though there has never been physical abuse.  It tends more toward emotional, psychological, and financial.  The codependent in me will not let me make that leap even though it would probably be for the best.  So, the therapist wants me to fill out a grid with the pros and cons of leaving on top and the pros and cons of not leaving on bottom.  This is supposed to open my eyes wide enough to leap out of the marriage.  But, i will likely remain in my dungeon of despair no matter what the grid shows.

Still waters run deep…i keep everything suppressed.  Thoughts, feelings, desires, dreams, fears, everything is smushed down and is held back with a giant valve.  Infrequently it lets off a bit of steam through bursts of anger, sarcasm, tears, or depression.  Then the valve gets tightened even more.  Some days i feel my head might explode because i am living a lie and lying to live peacefully.  i lie so much i don’t even know who knows what parts of me and my story are true — except you, my readers.

i long to live a life in leather.  To be collared.  To be an open, proud submissive.  To date, to cruise, to go out when i want to, to have sex when I want to, to have the friends i want to have, to invite my Leather friends to my house whenever i want to, to spend or save money the way i want/need to, to be able to be a nudist in my own home, to get an erotic massage occasionally, and just to masturbate when, how, and where i want to, and to eat when, where and what i want to.  Sounds simple, doesn’t it?

Although i don’t see me having a big breakup scene, or just leaving unannounced someday i am working toward becoming a stronger person and taking a stand against the strong, but subtle control he has on me. Only time and a stronger ego can tell what may happen.

On a lighter, happier note i hired a Life Coach.  He is helping me set goals for my life, working with me to potentially enter a career that will not tax me physically.  He is holding me accountable to the goals we set at each call.  i am moving toward a career in Life Coaching as well.  Many coaches work via telephone or Skype or even Zoom conference rooms, so there would be no need for an office, or to commute or to hold a routine 8-5 schedule every day.  i am taking a course to become certified and hope to begin working as a coach in the next month or so.  Hope i get loads of Leatherfolk as clients!  i highly recommend Life Coaching if you are stuck in some aspect of your life.  
Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Dreams Eventually End by Awakening to a New Day

my dream of beginning a new life in a new country with a new lover has come to an end. i woke to a new day released from the tight grip depression had on me.  i realize my life is not dark and repressive as i had built up in my period of sadness and self pity.

i actually like most things in my life even if some aspects need a healthy nipple tweaking and adjustment.  

So what turned my thinking and mood around?  First, a slight increase in the dose of an antidepressant medication. Second, a great therapist who referred me to a Codependence Anonymous group.  And third, meeting with a religious leader to discuss her views of aging, declining health, accumulating multiple illnesses, death, whether or not God exists, and the purpose of life.  i gained a new perspective, and felt that grip of depression loosening. 

i ended my long distance online fantasy relationship. And, i am working on regaining some power and a voice in my existing long term relationship. 

Dreams and fantasies are wonderful.  They add hope, excitement and vigor to life. But, W/we do eventually have to wake up and come back to reality.

Therefore, it is incumbent upon U/us to find O/our joy, O/our purpose, and O/our happiness. No one else can give them to U/us.

If Y/you find Y/yourself getting stuck, feeling increasingly sad, isolating yourself, or recognizing that Y/you are depressed, please seek help. Find a therapist to help Y/you identify and work on issues.  If Y/you need medication intervention see a psychiatrist as well.  Depression is a common form of mental illness. And it is highly treatable.  Get help if Y/you need it!

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Gathering Information & Learning

My foray into the BDSM world began by doing Internet searches and reading everything I could find on “Gay BDSM” “Gay Leather” “Gay Kink” “BDSM submissive” “Dominant/submissive relationships” and every other combination of words & phrases I thought might yield some Internet gold.  I read everything I could find on these topics, and then concentrated largely on “How to Find a Dom” website links.

Google search became my friend.  But it seemed most sites and blog posts were either directed toward young gay men, or toward heterosexual D/s relationships.  But I felt I could learn something from all of them, even the straight oriented sites.

Then, I heard about a website specifically for gay male BDSM/Kink hookups and relationships.  I’ve had a profile on there for about two years; it’s updated periodically, but I have yet to meet anyone beyond the casual online banter back and forth.  Lots of big talkers, but no action!

I sometimes get down on myself thinking I am too old and believing that they think my stamina could not keep pace with them, and as an HIV+ long term survivor I feel perhaps people are afraid of HIV still.  But there are also the older Doms, say 45 years old and up, who ONLY want to meet, talk to or hookup with slender, hairless submissive boy’s under 35 years old.  Some of the Doms aren’t even necessarily that drop-dead gorgeous themselves or athletic in appearance, but they certainly “exclude” a lot of potentially fun subs that would serve them well.
So, that was the hookup sites.  Then I turned to Amazon.com and found a few books that I’ve enjoyed reading and really learned some things in the process.  I read The Complete Leatherboy Handbook, Leathersex, Leatherfolk, Becoming a Slave, and Mr. Benson.  I recommend them all to anyone interested in gay BDSM life and relationships.  Some books are even on Kindle for those of us who need instant gratification.

I found a site called FetLife.  You won’t believe how many Kinksters there are out the in cyberspace or the array of things they get into.  I joined some groups, made a couple online friends, and even a couple friends with whom I met, socialized with and learned from.  I really valued those friendships till I fucked up the most important one.  He is a Dom or Master, well known in the community, an educator, mentor, and runs a very active Leather family household.  We became acquainted through classes he taught.  I confide in him, and he kept me from making big mistakes regarding hooking up with men who were not connected, friended by or known by some of the leaders in the BDSM Leather.  Safety is Paramount in hooking up.  You (I) could easily be hurt or killed by an uneducated Dom, or even by someone who actually intends to do harm.

Anyway back to my major fuck up…I was texting the Master daily just to check in, ask questions, get feedback, and above all follow orders NOT to hook up randomly.  I had this texting and occasional face to face relationship for about a year to a year and a half.  He had van discussed with me beginning an educational program for submissive boys to help them to learn and grow into the role they’ve chosen.  But, I got anxious and impatient that he couldn’t jump in and start as quickly as I wanted. So, a six week class was offered on Exploring submission at my usual BDSM learning forum and I registered.  I did not tell Master that I was taking the class for whatever reason I thought I had.  On the second night of class in walks Master to speak with the instructor and owner of the Leather store.  We hugged but he was cool and aloof.  The next day I texted an apology, but it wasn’t really accepted.  So, my most important relationship in the BDSM Leather community was FUBAR’d- for those too young to know, it means fucked up beyond all recognition!

I think I’ll text him again now that it’s been six weeks since we saw each other.

From hat whole scenario I learned to FUCKING BE TOTALLY HONEST in dealings with other people.

Next time, connections and friends are made…