Dreams Eventually End by Awakening to a New Day

my dream of beginning a new life in a new country with a new lover has come to an end. i woke to a new day released from the tight grip depression had on me.  i realize my life is not dark and repressive as i had built up in my period of sadness and self pity.

i actually like most things in my life even if some aspects need a healthy nipple tweaking and adjustment.  

So what turned my thinking and mood around?  First, a slight increase in the dose of an antidepressant medication. Second, a great therapist who referred me to a Codependence Anonymous group.  And third, meeting with a religious leader to discuss her views of aging, declining health, accumulating multiple illnesses, death, whether or not God exists, and the purpose of life.  i gained a new perspective, and felt that grip of depression loosening. 

i ended my long distance online fantasy relationship. And, i am working on regaining some power and a voice in my existing long term relationship. 

Dreams and fantasies are wonderful.  They add hope, excitement and vigor to life. But, W/we do eventually have to wake up and come back to reality.

Therefore, it is incumbent upon U/us to find O/our joy, O/our purpose, and O/our happiness. No one else can give them to U/us.

If Y/you find Y/yourself getting stuck, feeling increasingly sad, isolating yourself, or recognizing that Y/you are depressed, please seek help. Find a therapist to help Y/you identify and work on issues.  If Y/you need medication intervention see a psychiatrist as well.  Depression is a common form of mental illness. And it is highly treatable.  Get help if Y/you need it!

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Gathering Information & Learning

My foray into the BDSM world began by doing Internet searches and reading everything I could find on “Gay BDSM” “Gay Leather” “Gay Kink” “BDSM submissive” “Dominant/submissive relationships” and every other combination of words & phrases I thought might yield some Internet gold.  I read everything I could find on these topics, and then concentrated largely on “How to Find a Dom” website links.

Google search became my friend.  But it seemed most sites and blog posts were either directed toward young gay men, or toward heterosexual D/s relationships.  But I felt I could learn something from all of them, even the straight oriented sites.

Then, I heard about a website specifically for gay male BDSM/Kink hookups and relationships.  I’ve had a profile on there for about two years; it’s updated periodically, but I have yet to meet anyone beyond the casual online banter back and forth.  Lots of big talkers, but no action!

I sometimes get down on myself thinking I am too old and believing that they think my stamina could not keep pace with them, and as an HIV+ long term survivor I feel perhaps people are afraid of HIV still.  But there are also the older Doms, say 45 years old and up, who ONLY want to meet, talk to or hookup with slender, hairless submissive boy’s under 35 years old.  Some of the Doms aren’t even necessarily that drop-dead gorgeous themselves or athletic in appearance, but they certainly “exclude” a lot of potentially fun subs that would serve them well.
So, that was the hookup sites.  Then I turned to Amazon.com and found a few books that I’ve enjoyed reading and really learned some things in the process.  I read The Complete Leatherboy Handbook, Leathersex, Leatherfolk, Becoming a Slave, and Mr. Benson.  I recommend them all to anyone interested in gay BDSM life and relationships.  Some books are even on Kindle for those of us who need instant gratification.

I found a site called FetLife.  You won’t believe how many Kinksters there are out the in cyberspace or the array of things they get into.  I joined some groups, made a couple online friends, and even a couple friends with whom I met, socialized with and learned from.  I really valued those friendships till I fucked up the most important one.  He is a Dom or Master, well known in the community, an educator, mentor, and runs a very active Leather family household.  We became acquainted through classes he taught.  I confide in him, and he kept me from making big mistakes regarding hooking up with men who were not connected, friended by or known by some of the leaders in the BDSM Leather.  Safety is Paramount in hooking up.  You (I) could easily be hurt or killed by an uneducated Dom, or even by someone who actually intends to do harm.

Anyway back to my major fuck up…I was texting the Master daily just to check in, ask questions, get feedback, and above all follow orders NOT to hook up randomly.  I had this texting and occasional face to face relationship for about a year to a year and a half.  He had van discussed with me beginning an educational program for submissive boys to help them to learn and grow into the role they’ve chosen.  But, I got anxious and impatient that he couldn’t jump in and start as quickly as I wanted. So, a six week class was offered on Exploring submission at my usual BDSM learning forum and I registered.  I did not tell Master that I was taking the class for whatever reason I thought I had.  On the second night of class in walks Master to speak with the instructor and owner of the Leather store.  We hugged but he was cool and aloof.  The next day I texted an apology, but it wasn’t really accepted.  So, my most important relationship in the BDSM Leather community was FUBAR’d- for those too young to know, it means fucked up beyond all recognition!

I think I’ll text him again now that it’s been six weeks since we saw each other.

From hat whole scenario I learned to FUCKING BE TOTALLY HONEST in dealings with other people.

Next time, connections and friends are made…