Living honestly, openly, and true to myself is not easy. Whilst i have had interest and dalliances into the Leather BDSM/Kink/Fetish world over my many years of adulthood, it has been a short stay each time, only to return reluctantly to my vanilla, mainstream lifestyle after each occurrence.
As you may remember from earlier posts i began coming out as a Leather boy 1 1/2 years ago by joining a club for Leather boys. I’ve attended events, demonstrations, meetings, camping events and recently a formal Leather Masked Ball.
Most of these activities have caused varying degrees of discord within the home & relationship. It started with resistance and snide comments about Leather, Leatherfolk, and kinky activities. It has evolved into a quiet tolerance with only the occasional rumpf response to my going out with Leather minded friends.
This brings me full circle to honesty. i have to admit i am not honest and i am in ways a coward. i want to wear my boots and jeans more. I want to go out more to the Leather bar, events and meetings. i want to live a Leather lifestyle however that manifests in my life. i want to be able to hookup/play or just cruise online without hiding and lying.
And i want to…need to admit to my husband that i am not happy and want to separate. But, through therapy and a sizeable amount of investigation i’ve learned he is a narcissist and i am codependent. As a “narc” he lacks empathy and has little to no clue how bad it is for me in the relationship or how much i want a new start. i deeply dread THE conversation, the anger and tears. So i procrastinate. Surpressing my feelings, wants and desires in deference to his – classic codependence.
i have looked at apartments and rooms for rent. i’ve looked into escape plans, a PO Box, a new separate checking account, i’ve developed a budget, and i’ve made a list of the few things i really want from the house when i leave.
Is this all a dream or fantasy i am building in my mind? Will i have the balls to leave?
Will i finally be honest with myself and my spouse, so we both can begin a new chapter in our lives?
i’ll let you know what happens!
Thanks for reading,