My Dungeon of Despair 

Still waters run deep is a saying i have heard since i was a young fellow – maybe early teens.  In the weeks since i last posted many things began swirling in my mind and body.  i realize that on the surface I tend to appear calm, peaceful, passive and shy, but my true spirit runs deep in my soul.  

i noticed that without a Dom Leather BDSM life can be downright boring if not nonexistent.  i have tried to keep a connection online through FetLife, the Leather Kink site Recon.com, and even on the site Adam4Adam.com which occasionally has some kinky men online.  i wear my leather wrist band all the time except showering or doing dishes.  It’s a constant reminder of who i am, and where i want to be.

my therapist keeps hitting me with the earth shaking idea of separating from my partner of many, many years.  He keeps pointing out the codependent nature of the relationship, the subtle yet harmful ways the partner’s actions and inactions could be considered domestic abuse even though there has never been physical abuse.  It tends more toward emotional, psychological, and financial.  The codependent in me will not let me make that leap even though it would probably be for the best.  So, the therapist wants me to fill out a grid with the pros and cons of leaving on top and the pros and cons of not leaving on bottom.  This is supposed to open my eyes wide enough to leap out of the marriage.  But, i will likely remain in my dungeon of despair no matter what the grid shows.

Still waters run deep…i keep everything suppressed.  Thoughts, feelings, desires, dreams, fears, everything is smushed down and is held back with a giant valve.  Infrequently it lets off a bit of steam through bursts of anger, sarcasm, tears, or depression.  Then the valve gets tightened even more.  Some days i feel my head might explode because i am living a lie and lying to live peacefully.  i lie so much i don’t even know who knows what parts of me and my story are true — except you, my readers.

i long to live a life in leather.  To be collared.  To be an open, proud submissive.  To date, to cruise, to go out when i want to, to have sex when I want to, to have the friends i want to have, to invite my Leather friends to my house whenever i want to, to spend or save money the way i want/need to, to be able to be a nudist in my own home, to get an erotic massage occasionally, and just to masturbate when, how, and where i want to, and to eat when, where and what i want to.  Sounds simple, doesn’t it?

Although i don’t see me having a big breakup scene, or just leaving unannounced someday i am working toward becoming a stronger person and taking a stand against the strong, but subtle control he has on me. Only time and a stronger ego can tell what may happen.

On a lighter, happier note i hired a Life Coach.  He is helping me set goals for my life, working with me to potentially enter a career that will not tax me physically.  He is holding me accountable to the goals we set at each call.  i am moving toward a career in Life Coaching as well.  Many coaches work via telephone or Skype or even Zoom conference rooms, so there would be no need for an office, or to commute or to hold a routine 8-5 schedule every day.  i am taking a course to become certified and hope to begin working as a coach in the next month or so.  Hope i get loads of Leatherfolk as clients!  i highly recommend Life Coaching if you are stuck in some aspect of your life.  
Thanks for reading,

boy stray

While the Cat’s Away, the mouse Might Play

my husband is out of town with friends enjoying a huge gay annual event (Gay Days in Orlando) filled with sun, pool parties, evening activities, concerts, and yes, probably lots of sex!!

But i am fine with that.  In fact i encouraged him to go so i could have some free time to go out and immerse myself into the Leather BDSM and Kink community. And maybe, just maybe, i will hookup with a Dom for a play scene.

my first free night was Thursday.  i planned my night, cleaned up – inside and out – just in case, and dressed in nice jeans, leather themed black tee shirt, and my leather bar vest.  

Uber got me to the bar between 9:30 and 10 pm.  i know…kinda early, but it was a school/work night.  i thought men would be out early.  The bar’s theme night was a “bulge” contest at midnight.  Surely i could moderate my drinking, cruise hot leather men, and socialize till the contest began.

As i walked into the Ramrod i saw the bar was sparsely populated, but there was a cute “Bear” seated across the bar.  He gave me The Look!  So i situated myself a couple seats from him and ordered a beer.

Mistake!

He was a BIG talker.  He was a bottom.  He said he wanted to suck my dick and have me spank him.  He was really drunk.  He did buy me a beer and a shot of bourbon.  Then, he suddenly leaned/fell toward me and stuck his tongue in my mouth.  Hmm.  What to do? Am i desperate?

Then, his partner arrived and i took the opportunity to hurriedly excuse myself.  

Friday night i pondered three choices.  i thought of going to a kind of fun, but seedy neighborhood bar, or to the a gay men’s sex club, or to a bathhouse catering to more mature men.  Friday was all about getting laid!

So, i ended up watching the last two episodes of The Amazing Race on Cable that i had missed.  And i was in bed by 11:30 pm.

i started writing this post this morning, Saturday, 6/3/17, which will likely show as the post date.  However, i have two more free nights of planned debauchery. 

Tonight there is an extremely popular monthly themed party at the Leather bar, The Ramrod, called Pig Dance. i AM going!  i AM going!  i will have to take a bar nap this afternoon so i am not to tired to go.  But, i AM going!  That’s my mantra for today.

The last Pig Dance i attended a few months ago had hundreds of hot men in all manner of dress and undress – from full Leather down to just a jock and boots.  They were all ages probably 20 to 80s, bears and twinks, hairy and smooth.  It was a smorgasbord of man meat.

i have no doubt the bar will again be packed to the rafters and even spilling out into the rear patio and the front parking lot.  It’s a dizzying aroma of sweat, male sex pheromones, booze, and cigarette & cigar smoke.  And the cacophony of thumping music and loud conversations will be deafening. But what fun.  The atmosphere is highly sexual and energizing. 

i went!  It was crowded and loud and smoky.  It was everything I expected.  But, i, i, was so uncomfortable in my own skin, in my own Leather, that i had one beer, walked around once and left about thirty minutes later.  Then, i took Uber to another bar, a small neighborhood bar, but it is actually situated in a commercial area.  It was busy.  When i walked in all the guys turned to see the new meat arrival.  i was cruised by a couple guys, but again i was bored and went home after about forty five minutes.

my mood and self esteem were low.  i wasn’t really sure i wanted to go out and probably shouldn’t have.  But, to counter the loneliness and insecurity I could have/should have asked one of my buddies to go with me.  But i didn’t!  

Those little tapes that play over and over in our heads sure can fuck up an otherwise great time.  

Sunday was my Leather boy’s club meeting.  i went and was upbeat and talkative.  Short meeting.  A couple of us went for a drink.  Enjoyed myself.  i thought i might go to a sex club Sunday night but didn’t – i shall tell Y/you why in my next post! 

Sorry to be a Debbie-downer this post.
Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Two Ways to Finding Y/your Authentic Self 

Becoming authentic is an individual mission, since each person has their own way of being human, and consequently what is authentic will be different for each individual. Furthermore, personal authenticity is highly contextual, and depends on various social, political, religious and cultural characteristics. But the unique nature of each individual is best seen not in who he is, but in who he becomes, and becoming authentic is a continuous process, not an event. It involves not just knowing oneself, but also recognizing others and the mutual influence between individuals. If the quest for personal authenticity is just for self-fulfillment, then it is individualistic and ego-based; but if it is accompanied with the awareness of others and the wider world, then it can be a worthwhile goal.     From Philosophy Now

Have you ever pondered, “who am I/i really?”  “Who is M/my authentic self?”

Well, i have many times over the years.  It seems as we grow and change, our relationships evolve or end, we move, and find new careers and new lovers, our authentic self changes too.  Authenticity seems to be a hard and never ending quest because people are continually evolving, growing and changing.

Finding Y/your authentic self is about being honest with Y/yourself, being self aware, being humble, and listening to feedback from others without getting hurt or defensive, and then internalizing the feedback that resonates with Y/you.  Those of Y/you who do seek a more authentic self will likely become a happier, and more creative person.  Also, some psychologists say authenticity can lead to improved coping strategies, a stronger sense of self worth, more self confidence, and a higher likelihood of following through on goals.

Don Miguel Ruiz writes in his book The Four Agreements that “our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive and express what we really are.”

As soon as i read that statement i immediately thought about those of U/us living or attempting to live O/our authentic selves, what W/we really are – or are into (KINK or BDSM).  W/we in the Leather BDSM community reportedly have healthier relationships because of the degree to which we have open, honest communication between the people involved prior to establishing a formal relationship or agreeing to a play session.  For there to be open and honest communication Y/you hopefully have done some sort of personal inventory of Y/your life identifying Y/your wants, needs, desires, likes, preferences, and goals, as well as those things Y/you want to avoid, not experience or exclude from Y/your life.

In order for Y/you to begin identifying and understanding Y/your most significant personal values, i have included the list and exercises below:

Step 1: What I/i Value Most…

From this list of values (both work and personal), select the ten that are most important to Y/you – as guides for how to behave or as components of a valued way of life.  Feel free to add any values of Y/your own to the list.

Achievement                                                                Friendships                           Physical challenge

Advancement and promotion                                  Growth                                   Pleasure

Adventure                                                                     Having a family                  Power and authority

Affection (love and caring)                                       Helping other people         Privacy

Arts                                                                                Helping society                   Public service

Challenging problems                                               Honesty                                Purity

Change and variety                                                   Independence                    Quality of what I take part in

Close relationships                                                   Influencing others             Quality relationships

Community                                                                Inner harmony                  Recognition (respect from others, status)

Competence                                                               Integrity                             Religion

Competition                                                              Intellectual status             Reputation

Cooperation                                                              Involvement                     Responsibility and accountability

Country                                                                     Job tranquility                  Security

Creativity                                                                 Knowledge                         Self-Respect

Decisiveness                                                            Leadership                         Serenity

Democracy                                                              Location                              Sophistication

Ecological awareness                                           Loyalty                                 Stability

Economic security                                                Market position                 Status

Effectiveness                                                         Meaningful work              Supervising others

Efficiency                                                              Merit                                    Time freedom

Ethical practice                                                    Money                                 Truth

Excellence                                                             Nature                                 Wealth

Excitement                                                           being around people who
are open and honest        Wisdom 

Fame                                                                       Order (tranquility,

stability, conformity)             Work under pressure 

Fast living                                                            Personal development                                                     Work with others

Financial gain                     

Freedom                                                                                                                                                            Working alone

Step 2: Elimination

Now that Y/you have identified ten, imagine that Y/you are only permitted to have five values. Which five would Y/you give up? Cross them off.

Now imagine that Y/you are only permitted four. Which would Y/you give up? Cross it off.

Now cross off another, to bring Y/your list down to three.

And another, to bring Y/your list down to two.

Finally cross off one of Y/your two values. Which is the one item on the lst that Y/you care most about?

Another way of identifying Y/your authentic self, is to ask Y/yourself the following five questions:

  1. When Y/you were little, what did Y/you want to be when Y/you grew up?   W/we all had dreams when W/we were little, but people get sidetracked from T/their dreams by status, money, responsibility and life.  Picture Y/yourself in Y/your childhood dream.  Do Y/you see that smile and positive energy?  That could be Y/your life.
  2. What makes Y/you laugh?  Laugh at what Y/you find funny.  Who cares if the person next to Y/you is laughing.  Laughing feels good, makes U/us happier people and sets U/us free to enjoy the life W/we are living.  Laughter is a powerful tool that can change Y/your mood and perception of what is happening in the moment.  Enjoy the smile and the feeling of happiness rising inside of Y/you.
  3. What clothes do Y/you feel comfortable in?  This is a serious question.  It doesn’t matter if Y/you like dressing in suits every day or prefer cotton shirts and no shoes, wear what makes Y/you feel comfortable.  i am not suggesting Y/you run naked through the streets or Y/your office, but clothes are a way of expressing Y/yourself and what Y/you wear should be comfortable and should reflect the true Y/you.
  4. What activities do Y/you enjoy?  Discovering these activities will help guide Y/you towards a place where Y/you want to spend time.  By finding and immersing Y/yourself in this place, Y/you will feel happier and more energized.  Ultimately Y/you may find that Y/you want to work in that place, or at least create the possibility to spend more time there.
  5. Who can Y/you be Y/yourself around?  W/we are social creatures by nature, so it is important to spend time with people who make U/us feel good and accept U/us for who W/we really are.  When W/we are with people who do not judge U/us but accept U/us, then W/we are able to express O/our authentic self.

Once Y/you discover Y/your authentic self, Y/you can start to make changes in Y/your life that allow Y/you to be this person.  It is time to face those fears and start Y/your journey toward being Y/your authentic self.  Y/you will be astounded by how Y/your life can become fuller, richer, and happier.                   (Edited from http://www.mindbodygreen.com)

i have changed over the years but one thing has remained a constant even though for years it was a closeted self, so i can’t claim to have been living my authentic self.  That is my love and affinity and passion for the Leather BDSM/KINK community.  In my closet Days my fantasy men were leather clad masculine Doms.  i enjoyed it when a partner was more aggressive, rough, or Dominant.  i was really turned on by the slaps to the ass some men would deliver.  i knew who my authentic self was i was just not able to let him out at the time for various reasons.

my responses to the questions above:

i like men in leather and uniforms; i feel comfortable in Levi’s, boots, leather; i enjoy and feel more comfortable in masculine atmospheres like Leather bars and Leather BDSM gatherings and events; i like BDSM & Kink & Fetish activities; and i can most be myself – my real, authentic self around other Leather BDSM Men/boys.

Real Online LDR or Real Prick Tease

My marriage is not perfect, but whose is?  We’ve only been officially married 2 1/2 years, but have been together 37 years.  As i related in a previous post we had a drastic estrangement last September when it came out how deeply i was integrating into the Leather BDSM Kink lifestyle. 

Over the years i have been told repeatedly by a series of therapists to end my relationship because of codependence and ongoing difficulties between us.   However, i couldn’t leave, and didn’t want to.  There was love, friendship, companionship, compatibility, lots of history with both ups and downs, illnesses, near deaths for each of us, many family member’s deaths, and most of our friends had died of AIDS.  And of course the codependence!

The major thing missing from my life and needs seemed to be a healthy (and kinky) sex life.  But now, i feel i need a deep emotional and passionate relationship to go with the hot sex life.

For years i have been on many gay hookup sites looking for those brief anonymous, wild and passionate hookups.  Unfortunately, it mostly ended up just being picture perusal and an occasional chat, but very seldom any hookups.

Last week a new app notice appeared in my email inbox, so i thought i would give it a try.  Within a couple of hours of getting the app & submitting my profile, my first email arrived. It was from a handsome man, 52 years old, BUT he lives in another country. His message was very sweet and special so i responded.  i have to say i also got a dozen more messages from guys all over the world that i deleted immediately.  

This man, a doctor – he says – and i have texted several times daily every since we first met.  Some of his story made me wonder if he is being truthful.  According to him he is in a special military unit as a doctor – an email was sent to me from a medical related email, so i tend to believe that. Yesterday he said he was being sent to a middle eastern war zone country  – and then later he texted his google location, & sure enough it shows he is there in the thick of the fighting. Yipes!

i look forward to each text.  i am fearing for his life.  i am praying he returns to the safety of his home country soon.

The big caveat  – he has proclaimed his love for me already and states he wants to be together and that the distance can be overcome if there is enough desire to continue the relationship. 

So, i am having an emotional affair. It feels much different from the infrequent sexual hookups i was having.  i am not saying i feel guilty, but i worry that i could end up being a prick tease for my doctor/soldier/lover man.  I have not told him about my relationship status, physical problems or HIV status, but he hasn’t asked either.

i have fantasized about moving to his European country escaping my current life.  But, i know, well…i think i know it is just a fantasy.  i do not want to hurt my husband.  I couldn’t move to another country while my father is still living. Of course, we would have to meet in person to test compatibility, sexual compatibility, and see if he truly has a BDSM side as he indicated in his online profile. He did say he is versatile and tends more submissive.  Hummm. 

Tell me now, am i in fantasyland? Could it really work out?  Am i infatuated?  Is it budding love?  Am i wanting an escape route? Or am i being a prick tease?  

Y/you can be honest.  What do you think?

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Questions about being a submissive, and Questions for Doms

Have Y/you ever wondered what Y/you were supposed to do, think or feel about being a submissive or a Dominant?  Did you have questions for Doms or subs but were afraid to ask?

Here are a few questions i would ask about being a sub, and some questions i would pose to Dominants, if the opportunity arose.

What questions do Y/you have that Y/you want answered?

Add a comment to this post to respond to a question or to submit a question you have had for a while.

Hopefully we’ll add more questions, get some answers, and open a dialogue between Doms and subs.
                  Questions of Mine

  • Should a boy be clean shaven – not even a moustache 
  • Should a boy keep his hair short?
  • Should a boy shave his pubes and balls?
  • Should a boy shave his ass?
  • Should a boy call every Dom and Master “SIR ” from the very beginning?
  • What do Doms look for in a potential submissive boy?
  • What do Doms really think/feel if a sub uses a safe word?
  • Are most Doms trying to be intimidating or is it the nature of Dominants, or am i being too easily intimidated?
  • Do most Doms have just a few special kinks in Their repertoire or are They well versed in a variety of different skills?
  • What is it with the Cigar craze? 
  •  Don’t Doms know cigars kill the same way cigarettes do, but in a more pervasive, smelly way?
  • Is the role of a Dom becoming fuzzy and more indistinguishable from a submissive?
  • Why is it becoming harder to tell a sub from a Dom in social situations or at Leather bars?
  • Are Doms softening over time?
  • Why is more sex being had at gay male Leather play parties than actual BDSM scenes?
  • At a play party how should a sub ask a Dom to do a scene with him?
  • Is a boy supposed to approach an unfamiliar Dom initially, or is it the Dom’s place to pursue His prospective boy?
  • Are there a lot of Dominants who are actually bottoms in sex, giving the role of top to His boy?
  • What things have You experienced that immediately ended a scene?

i hope more questions are generated and that responses to the current questions will be submitted by many M/men and women sharing T/their perspective. 

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

30 Days to Define your Kink as a submissive 

Day 25: Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?

i wrote before that one of the things i do – not sure i would call it a ritual –  is to always stand in a military “at ease” position with hands behind my back and head slightly bowed with eyes averted from any Dom who may be present.  Also, most of the time i wear a leather band on my right wrist as a sign to others and as a reminder to me that i am a leather submissive.

 i have no other rituals or objects used to express my submission.  It would be wonderful to be gifted an item from a Dom that is meant as a visible sign of my submissiveness. 



Day 26: What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

Qualities i seek in a Dominant are knowledge and experience in BDSM, a playful nature yet strict in His enforcement of protocol, duties, and the behavior of His sub, yet not aggressive or just plain ole mean under pressure or stress.

Deal breakers would be refusal to negotiate limits and preferences, and in writing a contract; a lack of interest or concern regarding training or for the nurturing of the sub; and having a tendency to being mean under pressure and taking out stress and frustration on the submissive. 



Day 27: Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

At this time, a “real” session, scene or play session have only been a fantasy.  i have had isolated activities and experiences, and even paid a Pro Dom to work out some fantasies, but i have never been approached by a Dom who follows through and has a real time play session from start to finish with me. 

The only thing that really confuses me or frightens me is the lack of opportunities for real time play.  i have not been able to make myself the kind of sub that is attractive to a Dom to even have Him approach me for play.  i fear i may never experience a full, real BDSM session.


Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Come Out, come out, Wherever Y/you Are!

Happy Gay Pride, Fort Lauderdale.

Today was Gay Pride here in the city by the sea.  And a beautiful day it was.  Sunny, warm, a nice breeze and just an estimated 40,000 people celebrating on the beach together.  Perfect day.  Tons of hot men…and women, if you swing that way.

But ya know what?  i was perhaps the only one wearing a leather oriented tee shirt.  Plus i wore a leather wrist band, right side, of course.

Where, oh where, have all the Leathermen gone?  You weren’t out in numbers.  You weren’t out as small cohesive clusters as United Leathermen.  Oh, i saw a few guys in harnesses.  Were they “into” leather, or was it simply a fashion accessory to go with their Speedo swimsuits and big bulges?

There were big, burley, hairy dudes, average hairless dudes, and many twinks twerking.  Lots of ink on hot bodies.  But, several bars actually ran out of liquor mid afternoon.  Now, that’s got to be a first.  How’s a gay person supposed to party with NO booze?  Well, there was that continual wafting of smoke from joints to keep the buzz going.

We danced and danced amid a huge crowd on the dance floor erected on the sand.  All manner of humanity, together, moving to the music.

One performer was Ty Herndon, a country star from years ago.  He had a public fall from grace, but picked himself up, pulled his jeans up, put on his “cowboy” boots and came out as a “proud, gay man!”  Handsome and masculine.  Great voice.  He was so close i could have licked the sand off his boots.  But, i maintained my composure (and avoided a stalking charge) by just lusting from afar, and taking a hell of a lot of photos.

But, back to my Leather comrades…where the hell were you?  Didn’t want to get sand in Y/your boots?

Ok, so maybe Y/you were there, but not in leather.  It was a hot day.  But why no tee shirts saying, “Top” “bottom” “Daddy” “boy” “Sir” “Bear” “cub” “Ramrod” (oh, that’s right, i wore that shirt), “Leatherwerks “?

i felt so Leather lonely today.  

But, there’s always Stonewall Pride held in June in the east coast gay Mecca of Wilton Manors.  There will be a parade with a marching contingent from the Gay Leather community.  An abundance of harnesses, arm bands, Leather vests and belts and boots. Waves of Leather Pride flags bellowing in the wind.  Lots of hot sweaty skin showing.  501 jeans, shorts and some kilts.  Makes me swoon just visualizing that scene…

The thousands of people lining Wilton Drive will scream and cheer in solidarity with the Leathermen and leatherboys as they march by.  Then, many spectators will whisper, “I don’t get that whole thing…”  But why is it imperative that they get it, or understand us?  They should just accept us for who W/we are and what W/we do, and love U/us for O/our uniqueness.  i don’t understand Transgender men and women, but i see their beauty, their uniqueness, and i identify with their struggle for acceptance for who they are.  i struggle for acceptance of my leather identity even within the walls of my own home.

Be Proud!  Be Out!  Be Seen in Y/your Leather.  Raise Awareness, and Celebrate!

See Y/you in June 2017 – Wilton Manors, Florida?  I’ll be there. Will Y/you?
Thank Y/you for reading,

boy stray