Domestic Abuse

Over the years i have heard time after time that BDSM is abusive to the submissive or bottom person in a D/s or M/s relationship. Most often it had to do with the sub’s position in play – usually that of the recipient of control in the form of bondage or of pain.  What the general public is not aware of is the basic tenet of BDSM – safe, sane, & consensual.  They don’t understand how or why a person would submit willingly to the infliction of pain, so of course they assume the submissive is being coerced or abused.  While this can and probably does happen at times in BDSM relationships, i believe it has more to do with the individual’s psychological make-up than the presence of the BDSM dynamic.

i thought tonight i would elucidate the problems of domestic abuse, so Y/you will have a greater understanding of the types of abuse and be able to identify abusive tactics employed by the perpetrators.

Generally, there are five categories of domestic abuse:

  • Physical 
  • Sexual 
  • Emotional 
  • Financial 
  • Identity

These categories are not exclusive meaning an abuser may utilize tactics from more than one category in order to maintain control over the victimized person.

PHYSICAL ABUSE

Physical violence or even the threat of violence is intended to enhance the power and control of the abuser over the partner.  Physical abuse can be defined as the threat of harm or any forceful physical behavior that intentionally or accidentally causes bodily harm or property destruction, including:

  1. Hitting, beating, choking, pushing, slapping, kicking, pulling hair, biting, punching, backhanding, arm twisting, shoving, kicking or burning.
  2. Threatening to use or using a weapon against the partner
  3. Punching walls or doors
  4. Stalking
  5. Denying or interfering with the partner meeting their basic physical needs (e.g. Eating and sleeping)
  6. Smashing, damaging, stealing, or selling the partner’s possessions 

Physical abuse also can be used against children, pets, and even the partner’s family & friends

***Recently i was told one should know their potential partner in BDSM well since most of the consensual activities could be considered felonies***

SEXUAL ABUSE 

Sexual abuse is any forced or coerced sexual activity or behavior motivated to build power and control over the partner.  It can also be any contact meant to demean or humiliate the partner and instill feelings of shame and vulnerability.

Examples are:

  1. Unwanted touching 
  2. Demeaning remarks
  3. Berating partner about sexual history 
  4. Forcing sex without consent 
  5. Rape
  6. Rape with an object 
  7. Refusing to comply with request for safe sex
  8. Coercing partner into sex with others
  9. Unwanted sadistic acts

Some forms of sexual abuse are crimes

EMOTIONAL/PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE 

Emotional abuse is the use of words, voice, action, or lack of action meant to control, hurt or demean another person.  It typically includes ridicule, intimidation or coercion.

Behaviors include:

  1. Verbal threats
  2. Demeaning person in front of friends, family, or even strangers
  3. Constant criticism or humiliation yelling to intimidate 
  4. Obsessive jealousy 
  5. Being irresponsible with money
  6. Using insults, sarcasm or sneering 

Frequently the abuser is seeking to socially isolate the partner.  Behaviors used to socially isolate include:

  1. Blaming partner’s friends or family for their relationship problems
  2. Monitoring phone calls, mail, or visits 
  3. Demanding an account of daily activities
  4. Insulting, threatening or assaulting the partner’s friends or family to drive them away
  5. Stalking or using other means of surveillance 

FINANCIAL ABUSE

Financial abuse is the use or misuse of the partner’s financial or other monetary resources without the partner’s freely given consent.

Common examples include:

  1. Forbidding the partner to work
  2. Refusing to work yet contributing to expenses
  3. Controlling shared resources 
  4. Demanding partner account for all the money they spend
  5. Taking credit cards, money, or checkbook 
  6. Forging partner’s signature on financial documents

IDENTITY ABUSE 

Identity abuse is the use of personal characteristics to demean, manipulate and control the partner.  Some of these tactics overlap with other forms of abuse, particularly emotional abuse.  This category includes racism, sexism, ageism, able-ism, beauty-ism, and homophobia.  Also the fear of being outed as a kinky person can be a form of identity abuse.

Examples are:

  1. Outing or threatening to out someone
  2. Asserting partner will never have another relationship because they are too ugly or too old
  3. Blaming the abuse on the person’s identity (gay, bisexual) or behavior (S&M)
  4. Exploiting partner’s internalized racism
  5. Ridiculing partner’s physical challenges 

 i am simply listing the characteristics of Abusive Men

  • Control – achieved through criticism, verbal abuse, financial control, isolation, cruelty 
  • Entitlement – belief in having special rights without responsibilities 
  • Selfishness & Self-centeredness – expectation of being center of attention, having needs anticipated
  • Superiority  – contempt for partner as stupid, unworthy or as house keeper 
  • Possessiveness  – seeing partner as property 
  • Confusing Love & Abuse – explains violence as expression of deep love
  • Manipulativeness – confusion, distortion, lies. Projects self as good, while portraying partner as crazy or abusive
  • Contradictory Statements & Behaviors – saying one thing and doing another
  • Externalization of Responsibility  – shifting blame for their actions to others, especially the partner 
  • Denial, Minimalization, & Victim Blaming – not acknowledging the seriousness of his behavior and its effects
  • Serial Battering – abusive in one relationship after another

Men can exhibit some or all of these characteristics and NEVER PHYSICALLY assault a partner


Some of this material was edited or summarized from Lundy Bancroft & Jay Silverman (2002).  The Batterer as Parent: Addressing the Impact of Domestic Violence on Family Dynamics.  Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications.
Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Will, Won’t or Maybe Mondays

Today i will just talk about humiliation as a part of a D/s interaction or relationships.  Twice, well, maybe more than that, i have put my safety in jeopardy by getting into the vehicle of an unknown Dom.  But, the topic is about humiliation…both of those encounters began with my public humiliation.  The first one i experienced was with a Brazilian Dom i met on a hookup site.  He was a young, good looking, uncut, married (to a woman) Dom so i felt i could trust Him to be discreet.

On the day of our first meeting He ordered me to wear a tank top tee shirt, extremely short shorts, and no underwear.  Also i was to tie a white ribbon around my balls and to let the end of the ribbon to hang out the bottom of my shorts.  Well, the shorts i had were very short workout shorts and i always wore a jock with them.  The jock greatly enhanced and displayed my bulge through the leg openings.  This was the strategic marketing of my availability at the gay gym.  

If that weren’t enough humiliation, the true test of my submissiveness for Him was that i was to drive to a certain coffee shop about six miles from my house, and i was to stand out front with my head bowed waiting for him to arrive.  i must have stood there ten to fifteen minutes before He arrived.  He then ordered me to keep my head down and not to look at Him.  W/we walked into the coffee shop and sat at a table.  He ordered me to move closer, He reached over and took hold of the white ribbon tugging on it a couple times.  He bought U/us coffee and we left.  i assumed i would follow Him to His house, but He insisted i get into his car.  Briefly i thought about my safety but my dick was making decisions for me at this point.

i got into the passenger seat still averting my eyes and W/we drove off.  W/we drove a short distance, then He ordered me to put a blindfold on, which i did..  Later i learned He didn’t want me to know where W/we were going or His address.  He ordered me down in the seat so neighbors wouldn’t see as He drove into the garage.  i followed Him into His house.  Again, i thought He could kill me and no one would have a clue about my whereabouts.  But i still went in.  

i allowed myself to be cuffed behind my back after undressing.  

Previously online He told me about a smegma fixation He has.  He asked if i preferred clean or with “cheese”.  i said clean.  However, when He wanted a blow job all i could think about was smegma – even though He was clean.  So, i began gagging and choking with the thought of unclean dick in my mouth.  He said, “you are a lousy cocksucker, I’ll have to train you to be better at it.”  The rest of the scenario i will not discuss simply because it was uneventful and safe.  He took me back to my car and i never saw Him again.  i chose not to do that again with Him!

The second encounter with public humiliation was eerily similar – can Doms not come up with an original idea for public humiliation?

In NO WAY am i encouraging you to submit to public humiliation or putting yourself in the kind of dangerous situations i describe in my post.  

How many mistakes did i make during that scenario?

Always put Y/your safety first.

Humiliation can be public or private.  But it must be consensual!

Although i was embarrassed each time i submitted to public humiliation, i felt i was displaying my commitment to submission for everyone to see.

Now that i am more knowledgeable about BDSM, safety, and the practice of safe, sane and consensual kink, i am less likely to consent to public humiliation, and definitely will not get in a car that can be driven anywhere potentially putting me in danger.

Be safe!

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Have you ever consented to public humiliation?  If so, i would love to hear your story.  Share with me in comments ot PM me.  Thanks