Dreams Eventually End by Awakening to a New Day

my dream of beginning a new life in a new country with a new lover has come to an end. i woke to a new day released from the tight grip depression had on me.  i realize my life is not dark and repressive as i had built up in my period of sadness and self pity.

i actually like most things in my life even if some aspects need a healthy nipple tweaking and adjustment.  

So what turned my thinking and mood around?  First, a slight increase in the dose of an antidepressant medication. Second, a great therapist who referred me to a Codependence Anonymous group.  And third, meeting with a religious leader to discuss her views of aging, declining health, accumulating multiple illnesses, death, whether or not God exists, and the purpose of life.  i gained a new perspective, and felt that grip of depression loosening. 

i ended my long distance online fantasy relationship. And, i am working on regaining some power and a voice in my existing long term relationship. 

Dreams and fantasies are wonderful.  They add hope, excitement and vigor to life. But, W/we do eventually have to wake up and come back to reality.

Therefore, it is incumbent upon U/us to find O/our joy, O/our purpose, and O/our happiness. No one else can give them to U/us.

If Y/you find Y/yourself getting stuck, feeling increasingly sad, isolating yourself, or recognizing that Y/you are depressed, please seek help. Find a therapist to help Y/you identify and work on issues.  If Y/you need medication intervention see a psychiatrist as well.  Depression is a common form of mental illness. And it is highly treatable.  Get help if Y/you need it!

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Real Online LDR or Real Prick Tease

My marriage is not perfect, but whose is?  We’ve only been officially married 2 1/2 years, but have been together 37 years.  As i related in a previous post we had a drastic estrangement last September when it came out how deeply i was integrating into the Leather BDSM Kink lifestyle. 

Over the years i have been told repeatedly by a series of therapists to end my relationship because of codependence and ongoing difficulties between us.   However, i couldn’t leave, and didn’t want to.  There was love, friendship, companionship, compatibility, lots of history with both ups and downs, illnesses, near deaths for each of us, many family member’s deaths, and most of our friends had died of AIDS.  And of course the codependence!

The major thing missing from my life and needs seemed to be a healthy (and kinky) sex life.  But now, i feel i need a deep emotional and passionate relationship to go with the hot sex life.

For years i have been on many gay hookup sites looking for those brief anonymous, wild and passionate hookups.  Unfortunately, it mostly ended up just being picture perusal and an occasional chat, but very seldom any hookups.

Last week a new app notice appeared in my email inbox, so i thought i would give it a try.  Within a couple of hours of getting the app & submitting my profile, my first email arrived. It was from a handsome man, 52 years old, BUT he lives in another country. His message was very sweet and special so i responded.  i have to say i also got a dozen more messages from guys all over the world that i deleted immediately.  

This man, a doctor – he says – and i have texted several times daily every since we first met.  Some of his story made me wonder if he is being truthful.  According to him he is in a special military unit as a doctor – an email was sent to me from a medical related email, so i tend to believe that. Yesterday he said he was being sent to a middle eastern war zone country  – and then later he texted his google location, & sure enough it shows he is there in the thick of the fighting. Yipes!

i look forward to each text.  i am fearing for his life.  i am praying he returns to the safety of his home country soon.

The big caveat  – he has proclaimed his love for me already and states he wants to be together and that the distance can be overcome if there is enough desire to continue the relationship. 

So, i am having an emotional affair. It feels much different from the infrequent sexual hookups i was having.  i am not saying i feel guilty, but i worry that i could end up being a prick tease for my doctor/soldier/lover man.  I have not told him about my relationship status, physical problems or HIV status, but he hasn’t asked either.

i have fantasized about moving to his European country escaping my current life.  But, i know, well…i think i know it is just a fantasy.  i do not want to hurt my husband.  I couldn’t move to another country while my father is still living. Of course, we would have to meet in person to test compatibility, sexual compatibility, and see if he truly has a BDSM side as he indicated in his online profile. He did say he is versatile and tends more submissive.  Hummm. 

Tell me now, am i in fantasyland? Could it really work out?  Am i infatuated?  Is it budding love?  Am i wanting an escape route? Or am i being a prick tease?  

Y/you can be honest.  What do you think?

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Enlightenment and Happiness 

my BDSM workshop was far beyond my wildest dreams, hopes, and imagination.  The two and a half days were filled with camaraderie, education, and assignments to evoke deep thought about D/s play and relationships, demonstrations, and hands-on practice of everything taught over the weekend.  

There were twenty gay and bisexual men ranging in ages from 30’s to 75.  All sizes, shapes and penis lengths were represented.  Unfortunately one thing i noticed was an absence of African American men.  Asian and Latino men were minimally represented.  So, it was mostly middle aged and older white guys.

W/we bonded quickly through a series of “getting to know you” exercises, and then the rest of the weekend was spent primarily naked and extremely close to each other.

Saturday i was put into a rope harness for the first time.  It was an exercise to instill a sense of submissiveness into each participant.  Then, W/we learned how to spank and use a flogger.  W/we each gave and received both.  i quickly learned, or more accurately had it reinforced, that I am a submissive, because I did not enjoy flogging others; it did not excite me in the least.  However, i did like giving a spanking for a short time.  However, W/we had to spank for 45 minutes using all three positions: over the knee, on all fours, and froggy.  Man, did my arm get exhausted.  The position i liked best was froggy.  i could easily see his butt, legs, back and head.  i had easy access to his ass for spanking.  i could watch as his cheeks turned from pink to Rosie Red.

The flogging practice with me as the sub was so intense.  i kept having flashes of white lights over and over.  Then feelings began to well up in me and i had this overwhelming sense of happiness to the point of having tears in my eyes.  They were definitely tears of happiness and not from pain.  i felt joyful.  i had found something I want and need as a part of my life going forward.  Yes, I felt the sting and thud of the flogger.  Yes, i felt each blow as i was simultaneously spanked. But, i was happy that i had finally experienced what i had longed for and dreamed of for years.  They were indeed tears of happiness.  

Sunday, we learned about another type of rope bondage harness as well as the use of clothes pins for tit torture (or stimulation) and cock and ball bondage, balls weights, and CBT – cock & ball torture.  i was blindfolded, bound with the rope, cock tied up, and clothes pins applied – and I felt nothing.  I could hardly tell the clothes pins were on my nipples.  Others were applied elsewhere with the same minimal stimulation.  Weights were carefully tied to the cord binding my cock and balls.  Then, lowered slowly.  After several seconds i asked if they were on as i felt – nothing.  They were indeed on.  They proceeded to parade me around the room, ball weights swinging, and the feeling of submission and helplessness constant.  Then, the flogging, spanking, and CBT began.  It was the CBT that made me weak in the knees.  The sensation was intense, stimulating, and teasingly erotic.

Later we discussed desire.  Expressing what you desire and getting it, or negotiating for a compromised desire.  And then acting out your desire.  W/we each were assigned to come up with a fantasy we would like to have happen that afternoon.  In groups of three we all had our desire met, then functioned as the Top, and then as the assistant for another man’s desire.  As my fantasy desire was being met and the two men acting out my fantasy were yelling, mocking, and jeering me, the room seemed to have emptied completely except us three.  No other sound could be heard or action felt by me, except what was taking place in my scenario.  i did not see colors this time – only blackness.  But even in the darkness, and the quietness of the room i became aware of a feeling of enlightenment.  Now, i think i must have felt the authentic me amidst the intense pain/pleasure of that experience.

The marks and redness from the flogging and spanking quickly resolved, but the warmth and internal glow of happiness, awareness, authenticity, and enlightenment continue to burn eagerly in my soul.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray