Plans Gone Awry

my Valentine’s gift to myself this year was to be an encounter, a play session, with a Dom from the Northeast USA. He was coming to my area for a marathon race of some sort. W/we met on recon.com.

W/we wrote and texted for about 5 to 6 weeks planning and anticipating O/our brief time together. W/we exchanged additional photos. And i began to feel trustful…well, as trustful as one can be of an unknown Internet persona.

Anyway, He had assured me He was staying close to the city i live in. However, the Monday before Valentine’s Day He said He was staying in an Air B&B house in a city that was a 45 minute drive away from my home. To say i was disappointed is an understatement. Actually i was pissed.

Because of my current relationship status, and the state of my relationship i do not have hours on end to dedicate to BDSM play. It would be one and a half hours just in travel time. And, He wanted a long, possibly overnight encounter, which i could not possibly do.

i suppose my anger and frustration turned inward because i began to feel ill….like i was coming down with a cold. Coughing. Chills. Body aches. Headache. But, i was still planning to go. We’d arranged for the day after Valentine’s Day for my submission to impact play.

On Valentine’s Day i decided not to go. Mostly, it was the drive. And a bit of trepidation about not really being able to adequately vet an out-of-towner. And a tad of generalized body aches and stiffness making me feel and walk like i was 100 years old.

So, unfortunately i missed Sir using His belt and His computer cord (improvisation since He is travelling) to inflict a mutually satisfying, yet heavy play session.

Am i a scaredy cat? Am i too cautious? Have i watched too many episodes of Criminal Minds? Or should i continue to be careful and try to fully vet a new Dom play partner? Should distance NOT be a factor in considering a play session?

What do Y/you think?

It seems i mostly write about an unsuccessful, unfulfilling BDSM Leather life, but really i think it is an accurate reflection of what most people in the lifestyle go through. i don’t mean to be maudlin or discouraging, but rather to impress upon newbie subs that daily encounters with a vast array of Daddies & Doms is not likely to be the norm.

There is no reason to give up. Do as i do. Get out there. Go to events, dinners, play parties, classes, munches, join organizations, go to Leather bars and other venues. The more you get out there and meet people, and they get to know you, the more likely you are to find play partners, and develop a fulfilling Leather BDSM life.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

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They Really Beat my Ass!

It happened! Finally. My FIRST real BDSM hookup/play session with a Dom. But, this wasn’t one, but rather two Doms. The Sir who Dominated my sub ass was the submissive to the other Sir, the primary Dominant. However, my Dom took charge and worked me over really well.

i arranged my safety call with a friend that i would contact as soon as the session ended. He knew if he hadn’t heard from me by a certain time to consider the worst, and to notify the police. He had their phone numbers, addresses, etc. just in case.

When i was clean – inside and out, i left home and drove nervously to Their home. i was instructed via text to park out front, and to text when i’d arrived, and to wait in the car until Sir came out to get me. Suddenly, it began to pour down raining.

Sir motioned for me to come in and as i walked into the extremely large home, SIR said, “don’t be nervous”. That was immensely helpful in relaxing me and alleviating my anxiety…and and fears i might have been harboring.

After 90 minutes of intense impact play – flogging, paddling, spanking and having a riding crop used on my ass, and chest and back impact play with paddles, it progressed to CBT & TT and lots of oral sex and face fucking. Apparently then, Sir placed ten clothes pins on my cock & proceeded to tap, flick, and hit them inducing increasing levels of pain/pleasure. At the same time i experienced intense TT which caused a constant refocusing of attention to alternating areas of intense pain.

The Sirs were very attentive and cognizant of my level of pain asking for a numerical value to gage the intensity. They offered rest breaks and water regularly during the play.

Only once did i kind of loudly say “ouch” as i turned my ass away from the hard strikes of the wooden paddle. SIR said, “is that a yellow?” to which i said sheepishly, “yes.” The intensity of that paddling immediately decreased.

At the end of the session, i was asked how long i’ve been into BDSM. They both were surprised to hear this was my first real BDSM encounter in a non classroom setting. They seemed impressed at the level and intensity of pain i was able to accept.

Hopefully i’ll always remember my initiation into real BDSM play happened on 1-8-18 (one eight one eight)

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Play Time

For some reason lately i seem a bit more popular in the hookup apps. i talk to more men even if it leads nowhere, because they’ve smiled, cruised, winked, or growled at me from the respective sites. And, hot men! Not men i wouldn’t want to be seen in public with!

On one site for kink and BDSM i was contacted by a Sir a few weeks ago. He and His partner, also a Sir, were/are coming to town for vacation soon. After talking through the site and exchanging pics and lots of information we decided to meet and set a date….and that play date is this coming Monday.

By phone text we’ve discussed safety, safe words, limits, pushing passed limits, and respecting each other’s time as they are here for a brief stay.

We talked about meeting prior to playing but they didn’t feel they had time…or it wasn’t necessary…or something. So, tonight as our play date approaches i contacted Sir again to inquire about meeting beforehand.

He again reiterated that they respect limits, would not do anything beyond my desires, but said they did not have time to meet first before a play session. While i know everyone says you should meet first in a neutral place, i have decided to have a safe call person instead. This person i designate will expect a call – not a text, from me at a time that i choose based on when i think the session will end. He will have my Sir’s address and phone number. Should i NOT call him at that time he will try to call me. If i can not be reached after a couple attempts, he is to notify the police.

I’ve thought a lot about the meet first “rule” in the kink community. And while i think it may be optimal, what really can you discern from a cursory meeting with a potential play patner? People put their best foot forward when meeting someone new in an effort to impress them, make them feel comfortable or to seduce them. But people lie and do misrepresent the truth. Would i really be any safer if i had coffee at Starbucks with them the day before our play session?? i don’t really think so.

The only true way to be safe is to vet a potential play partner through someone in our Leather Kink BDSM community, through a Leather establishment, bar, or leaders of various organizations or clubs. In this particular scenario that was not feasible.

This, if it really happens this time, will be my 1st official, non-Pro Dom paid or classroom associated BDSM full-on encounter. Man, am i fucking psyched about it.

And to add even more excitement to the pile, another Sir from the same site is coming to town in February and wants to play. His picture shows a hot, lean bearded man who says he is a sadist with a foot fetish. So, we shall see what happens with Him.

As an aside, i did have sex last night. Well, i guess i’ll officially say it was sex. He was a Top. Didn’t look much like his profile pic, but not so different as to require me to hit the reject button. Anyway, He was a “lay there, and do me” kinda lazy sex partner. All he did was lay on His back, get blown, and tried in vain to work a dry finger up my butt. We did kiss…he ultimately jerked off and i went home.

Another crappy ass lazy gay man who doesn’t know how to have mutually pleasing and satisfying sex!!

What’s this gay world coming to?

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Leather, Pigs, and Proud

It’s good to be a Leather boy this week in Fort Lauderdale. Tonight, November 25th, is the 12th annual Leather Masked Ball being held at Progress Bar. It is well attended by Leathermen and Leather boys of all types, and i am guessing lots of Leather women, straights and gays, and a smattering of vanilla folks gawking.

The Ball is produced by the Lambda Men’s Brotherhood, Inc. It will star DJ Chi Chi LaRue and feature an exhibition by the Leather Archives & Museum Chicago as well as BDSM demonstrations. There will also be a Best Masked contest with $175 Bar Tab prizes from Ramrod.

Every year for at least the last 8 to 10 years my husband and i toyed with the idea of going. That was even before he knew how much i wanted, yearned to be in the Leather community. This year he said let’s go. We bought our tickets and masks yesterday.

Before i post this Blog i’ll include a post script about how the Leather Masked Ball was, and how my vanilla partner reacts to various aspects of the night, especially the BDSM demonstrations.

The other event that makes this a great time to be a guy in Fort Lauderdale is that it is the beginning of our annual Pig Week. Many of you may be wondering what is a “pig” in the context of grown men. If you like drinking, dancing, and fucking then you are a PIG! And we in Fort Lauderdale want to meet you! This event is designed for all hot men in the world to cum together and play. There are pool parties, play parties, nude resort and beach days, and educational programs and demonstrations on fisting, watersports, sounding, and rope bondage. But, most of all it’s about welcoming men from all over the world to our city, showing it off, and showing them a really, really good time.

i have never participated in Pig Week before either. But, i told my husband i was going and bought my $100 dog tag before he could lodge a protest. The dog tag is my admission ticket to all events. Without it there is a $25 fee charged at the door of most of the events, and no admission to others.

Today i plan to attend a clothing optional pool/play party at a local leather themed resort where there is a sling in every room. Hopefully, it will be a great turnout since the weather is predicted to be beautiful, at a comfortable temperature, and with no rain in the forecast.

Sunday Morning Synopsis

Pool Party

Yesterday afternoon i took Uber to the Inn Leather resort for one of the pigweek events. It was a men only, clothing optional pool party. Most of the men walked around nude, seemingly proud of their bodies in all the glorious shapes, sizes and colors they come in. There didn’t appear to be any penis shame either. Penis varieties were from really small to “O my God, you’re going to put that where?” I think there must have been around 75 of us there.

Leather Masked Ball

It was hot, hot hot! Leather men came from everywhere including out of the closet for this annual event. Hundreds of masculine men turned out to see and be seen and to get their party on at Progress Bar. Some men wore masks, but most didn’t. The wafting of cigar smoke had us continually on the move for a better spot. An abundance of hairy and smooth asses were exposed for our pleasure; an occasional erect penis would pop out of a jock to the delight of everyone in the vicinity. The music, while good, was not up to the caliber expected from the guest DJ.

To my surprise my husband was fascinated by puppies and puppy play. He says he wants to take a class about it at Leatherwerks next time it’s offered.

i believe it was a great event and quite successful financially and in attendance.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Limited Activity Choices & the Deal Breaker

A couple months ago a Leather Sir contacted (cruised) me on recon.com. W/we messaged back and forth for a couple weeks and made a date to play after extensive dialogue about preferred activities, & soft and hard limits. He was completely honest that his primary interest was anal fisting. And i was totally forthcoming about my bout with anal cancer last year and my inability to submit to more than aggressive finger fucking due to scarring and easily torn tissues. Sir acknowledged my plight, and agreed again to meet, so O/our play date was reconfirmed.

The night before our play date, Sir texted my phone that He had sudden, unexpected, out of town company staying with Him, and would therefore need to cancel the date. He also said He was leaving the country for nearly a month, but that W/we would definitely set another date upon His return.

So, on the fifteenth of September, the day Sir was due back, i emailed Him, and W/we re-established O/our online conversation. W/we set another date to meet for play. But, His questions to me seemed to show a lack of memory of O/our previous conversations about O/our likes, preferences, and hard limits. i repeated my medical history and again disclosed my fears regarding fisting. However, despite that hard limit, Sir continued to say He wanted to meet. He even listed a number of other activities He enjoys that W/we could do. Another date was set for the near future.

A few days before O/our 2nd planned (and my much anticipated and needed) play date Sir contacted me saying His activity of preference is Anal Fisting. And since i was not able to do that one thing He canceled our date. i simply wrote back, “ok”.

Not getting fisted was a deal breaker! Or was it an excuse? Is His BDSM repertoire that limited?

Have any of Y/you, my readers, ever experienced this Y/yourselves? Is Y/your preferred activities list that short? If so, how do Y/you ever find another person to play with?

Oh, don’t get me wrong. There are definitely things i greatly enjoy, and others that can be done that i might just like a bit…that i can take or leave. But to require every SIR to do one particular thing to me, or it’s not happening, just seems arbitrarily self limiting, and is a way of keeping most Sir’s away.

Personally i keep trying to expand my “Will Do” list of activities in order to attract more attention, and to be more appealing to a greater number of gay, masculine, Dominent, Top men in my area.

Write in and tell me if Y/you have a required activity during BDSM Play, or the session gets canceled. What is that activity, and why so important to Y/your play?

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Surge – a Leather Weekend

It seems another three months have past since the last Leather Incursion camping weekend at Vitambi Springs in Clewiston, Florida. i first planned to attend a year ago in August. However, my stars haven’t align at any time since then. With each Leather camping weekend since then, i either get sick or have some other valid obstacle preventing me from attending.

Next weekend, October 20-22, 2017 is Surge, a Leather weekend experience. Members of a Leather organization, Minotaurs, will be demonstrating various BDSM activities.  And i suppose everyone else is free to do as they please.

As fate would have it, again i have an obstacle, but i hope to be able to smash this one in the next seven days.  On September 26th i had cervical spinal surgery to decompress the pinched nerves in my neck.  The post operative pain was excruciating.  Not the incision…it’s been perfect.  The pain was in my neck, back, shoulders and arms.  i always thought i had a fairly high tolerance to pain, but after this i am no longer sure. It took around the clock strong narcotics and muscle relaxtants to alleviate the pain.

So, short of my incision opening, a return of excruciating pain, or my spinal column freezing i will be there this time. Or in the words of my father, a retired army Sargent, “Come Hell or high water” I plan on going.

Details to follow after i return from Surge.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Pain, Glorious Pain!?

i never thought of myself as a masochist until fairly recently. i really didn’t, and don’t, enjoy the pain i experience daily from arthritis. Those pains are a nuisance and have no intrinsic value. They are there to challenge my life and my resolve every minute of every day. But chosen, inflicted sensual pain is another whole kettle o fish as they use to say.

We’ve most likely all had a hang nail that we had to pull out, or a splinter, a scrape, cut, burn or bruise from an accident around the house. Those things hurt like the dickins. And it wasn’t a good pain.

But, put on some leather, dim the lights and bring out the whips, chains, clamps, and floggers, and we’re having a party. Safe, sane, consensual AND sensual pain i believe releases endorphins that cause the pain to be experienced positively, sensually, and erotically BY SOME PEOPLE.

It turns me the fuck on!!

But most people I would venture to say would argue that any pain during sex is a total turn off/deal breaker/end of the date occurrence.

And to be fair we have to acknowledge that many people have experienced painful traumatic events in their lives whether it was physical, emotional or psychological. That definitely could effect a person’s perception of pain inflicted with erotic intention.

That is why GOOD effective communication before playing is essential. You as the Dom don’t want to be in a scene with someone who has a total meltdown or freak out with that first hard slap on the ass. You need to know beforehand if the sub has ANY issues related to pain, or even to bondage or being restrained.

i mentioned my chronic pain. Well, erotic pain inflicted in a BDSM scene or simple play session for me is a diversion, a redirection of my attention from my chronic pain and giving me, even briefly, the experience of an intense, highly sensual escape from my day-to-day pain and giving me a mind blowing orgasm.

But, i can be a wuss!  At this point i don’t have enough experience to know how much i can take before the erotic pain turns into an “ouch bitch that hurts – Stop!”  The one time i needed to call Red, my safe word, all i could scream to to electro malfunction was “Ouchhhh, stop, stop, stop, that hurts!”  It probably wasn’t the words that evoked His rapid response but more likely my pulling against the restraints with a force reminiscent of King Kong trying to break free from captivity in that scene from the movie where he is on the stage in New York.  Man, that was some major pain.

i tend more toward impact play now, and TT, CBT, hot wax, sounds, ws, bondage, and growing interest in edgier play as long as there is some component of erotic pain included, i am game!

So now i proudly proclaim that i, boy stray, am a masochist.

Give me pain, Glorious Pain!

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Pup Play

This article was borrowed from a recent Tumblr posting.

Pup Play FAQ

The past several months I’ve had individuals contact me regarding what pup play is from my perspective, and to ask for more resources. Instead of typing it out every time and trying to find the resources I have, I’m just putting it on here so I can share it easily. If someone thinks something should be added/changed/fixed, let me know. I’d rather be corrected so the info on here is reliable and available.

So what is Pup play:

The short answer:
It’s exactly as it sounds. Someone wanting to play the role of (role play) a puppy: on all fours, wagging, barking, playing with toys, eating out of dog bowls, etc.

The longer answer:
Pup play is a form of pet play (animal role play), where an individual wants to take on the role of a puppy dog. This is done by role-playing a puppy, mimicking mannerisms: barking, wagging, begging, playing with toys, sniffing/licking things, eating out of bowls, etc.; for fun.

In the end it’s a fun release, getting into a shift in headspace, and only focusing about what is happening right now. Not what happened earlier, or what will come. Just being a pup in the here and now. That headspace is all about trying to think like a dog and rely more on instinct rather than the complexities of human thought and aspirations.

What pup play is not:

First and foremost, pup play is not about bestiality – no sexual activity involving real bio (biological) dogs. Pup play is also not about humiliation. Most pups do not get into pup for the humiliation factor. They get into pup because it’s fun and a great release. However, while someone may be a pup, they may also be part of, or like other kinks, fetishes, and communities as well. Finally, pup play is not just about sex. While pup play can be a sex positive experience, where the subject of sex is not looked down on. Sex is not the sole purpose of pet play or pup play. It just depends on the nature of the relationship with the pup and/or any other parties involved.

Terms:

Below are a few terms that are used within the pup community. I’ve noticed that some people define these differently, this is just my own generic definitions:

Pup – A person acting the part of a puppy within pup-play.
Alpha – A pup who is a leader in a pack or over other pup(s). This is normally a leadership/guidance role.
Owner – Someone who owns a pup or a pack (multiple pups).
Handler – Someone who is handling a pup on a leash.
PAH – (Puppy and Handler) Is normally a regional/local group specifically for human puppies, handlers, and those interested in pup play.
Biopup/Biodog – Refers to an actual biological dog.
Headspace (pup-space or pupping out) – Is the carefree mental state that happens when in pup play. It’s focusing on living in the moment, and acting with your surroundings on instinct, like a dog would. Putting your own thoughts, fears, ambitions, etc. aside for a time.
Moshing – A puppy mosh, mosh pit, or just mosh, is normally when a group of pups get together and pup out. Most of the time it’s done in a specific area (roped off or matted) for the sole purpose of pupping out.
There are other terms out there and definitions. I suggest reading other resources to learn more about them and/or how others define those terms. There are other resources at the end of this.

Is any gear required to get started:

No, being a pup requires no gear. It’s a mental state and purely up to the individual on how they want to pup. I do recommend at least some basic safety gear for comfort. Mainly due to being on all fours on the floor, they can either be hard on your knuckles and knees, or can give you rug burn, depending on the surfaces you are crawling around on. Some basic knee pads and cheap MMA practice mitts make perfect gear to start out with. But, while I recommend some gear for comfort, I want to repeat this. Gear is never required to be a pup. Below are a few other things you can look at.
Collars – I’ve seen two forms of thought on it. Some say pups should wear a collar and their owner/alpha/handler will give them tags. Others say collars should be given by an owner/alpha/handler. Personally, if a collar will help you get into headspace, go for it! In the end if you get a cheap collar and your owner/alpha/handler wants to give you a more expensive collar and/or tags, you can always switch to using theirs. Again, no one is making the rules on this except you.
Toys – Toys can really make pupping out fun, even by yourself. Think of a real puppy and them playing with chew toys. They can entertain themselves for a long while. Just keep it simple and cheap, soft chew toys are all you need. Though I caution playing with hard chew toys (rawhide, hard plastic, etc.). Human teeth are not the same as bio dog teeth.
Hoods/Muzzles – Hoods and muzzles are good to help a pup get into headspace. They also afford a pup the security of anonymity, which can help a pup when in public places. It also helps a pup look more the part, which again, helps with getting into that puppy headspace; but, by no means required. If starting out, there are cheap options out there, you don’t have to drop $150-230+ on a hood if you are not sure pup-play is your thing.
Any other gear that is out there is there for aesthetic purposes. It can help pups get more into that pup headspace. But, again, it is not required. When starting out, I suggest going cheap. Don’t invest into something you are just going to try out if you are not sure this is something you are going stick with. You can get cheap mitts, kneepads, collar, toys, and a hood/mask for under to around $100. If it’s something after a time, you enjoy, you can always invest and upgrade to better gear.

How do I get started:

A lot of times, starting out, people over think it. Try dropping down on all fours and sniffing around, viewing your surrounds on all fours, and starting to think like a puppy. You might want to get on YouTube and watch some videos on how puppies/dogs act. Or, read the numerous dog training resources that are out there on the internet to get some background on training puppies/dogs to give you better insight on how puppies/dogs behave.
Choosing a puppy name and or breed:
Choosing a name is purely up to the individual and or owner/pup relationship. Names can always be changed to best suit a pup. So if you choose a name and get an owner who changes it to something more suiting, nothing is wrong with that. Again, pup is purely defined on your terms.
Breed is the same way; it’s purely up to the pups’ discretion as to what breed they choose if one at all. Let me be clear, you do not need to have a breed to be a pup. It’s just flavor, a bit of color to the experience. If you are looking into a breed, look at the traits certain breeds have, that align closely with how you feel. And, you don’t have to pick a breed due to your body type. I know a huge guy that looks like a linebacker 6’+ tall, that’s a Chihuahua. I know a very small guy who’s a St. Bernard. It’s just flavor to help you identify more as a pup.

Other Resources:

Take this and any other resource with a grain of salt. There is no right or wrong way to be a pup. There isn’t a rule book that states there is a specific way to do something, or set standards that has to be followed – other than common sense. These are just my answers. This and all other resources are just guides to help you. I can’t stress this enough, however you pup, so long as you are happy and comfortable, go for it.
And, I wholeheartedly suggest getting out and involved with a Puppy or PAH (puppy and handlers) group in your area. You can read all you like, but actually interacting with other pups in the community, you gain a wealth of knowledge by actually participating. You may also want to look at your local Leather/BDSM community, which is normally pretty accepting of puppy play and will have resources for you to help you out.
Below are other resources on puppy 101 – beginning stuff to read into. I highly recommend reading these resources and any others out there to get ideas to figure out how you want to pup.

Resources on pup play:

Other online guides, sites, and books:
Woof! – Perspectives into the Erotic Care & Training of the Human Dog
Puppy 101 by Papa Woof Roth – Pup
Puppy Moshing 101 by Papa Woof Roth – Pup
Puppy 101 NEPUPS
Azure-Chaos – Caring for your Human-Pup
SiriusPup
International Puppy Contest
Puppy Bill of Rights
Wikipedia – Animal Roleplay

Online Forums on Pup-Play:

Puppy 101 Facebook page
Pup Zone – For guys into dog/pup roleplay
The Kennel – A Social Network for Human Pups and Their Masters

Gear:

The Happy Pup – Gpup’s Puppy Play & Pup Play Gear Guide
Info on Pup play and Pup play Gear
Mr. S Leather
Look under the puppy section on the left menu.
GRR Bear-Masks
Great handmade masks without breaking your budget. The owner will work with you to create a mask custom for you.
Rubber Dawg – Custom rubber hoods
The Well Kept Pet – Custom Leather Pet Play Masks
Dog House Leathers
The link is to their “Puppy Stuff” page
Fetish Zone
Has a lot of kinky stuff on their site, including a pup play section, as well as a pony play section

Now go out and get your puppy on…

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

My Dungeon of Despair 

Still waters run deep is a saying i have heard since i was a young fellow – maybe early teens.  In the weeks since i last posted many things began swirling in my mind and body.  i realize that on the surface I tend to appear calm, peaceful, passive and shy, but my true spirit runs deep in my soul.  

i noticed that without a Dom Leather BDSM life can be downright boring if not nonexistent.  i have tried to keep a connection online through FetLife, the Leather Kink site Recon.com, and even on the site Adam4Adam.com which occasionally has some kinky men online.  i wear my leather wrist band all the time except showering or doing dishes.  It’s a constant reminder of who i am, and where i want to be.

my therapist keeps hitting me with the earth shaking idea of separating from my partner of many, many years.  He keeps pointing out the codependent nature of the relationship, the subtle yet harmful ways the partner’s actions and inactions could be considered domestic abuse even though there has never been physical abuse.  It tends more toward emotional, psychological, and financial.  The codependent in me will not let me make that leap even though it would probably be for the best.  So, the therapist wants me to fill out a grid with the pros and cons of leaving on top and the pros and cons of not leaving on bottom.  This is supposed to open my eyes wide enough to leap out of the marriage.  But, i will likely remain in my dungeon of despair no matter what the grid shows.

Still waters run deep…i keep everything suppressed.  Thoughts, feelings, desires, dreams, fears, everything is smushed down and is held back with a giant valve.  Infrequently it lets off a bit of steam through bursts of anger, sarcasm, tears, or depression.  Then the valve gets tightened even more.  Some days i feel my head might explode because i am living a lie and lying to live peacefully.  i lie so much i don’t even know who knows what parts of me and my story are true — except you, my readers.

i long to live a life in leather.  To be collared.  To be an open, proud submissive.  To date, to cruise, to go out when i want to, to have sex when I want to, to have the friends i want to have, to invite my Leather friends to my house whenever i want to, to spend or save money the way i want/need to, to be able to be a nudist in my own home, to get an erotic massage occasionally, and just to masturbate when, how, and where i want to, and to eat when, where and what i want to.  Sounds simple, doesn’t it?

Although i don’t see me having a big breakup scene, or just leaving unannounced someday i am working toward becoming a stronger person and taking a stand against the strong, but subtle control he has on me. Only time and a stronger ego can tell what may happen.

On a lighter, happier note i hired a Life Coach.  He is helping me set goals for my life, working with me to potentially enter a career that will not tax me physically.  He is holding me accountable to the goals we set at each call.  i am moving toward a career in Life Coaching as well.  Many coaches work via telephone or Skype or even Zoom conference rooms, so there would be no need for an office, or to commute or to hold a routine 8-5 schedule every day.  i am taking a course to become certified and hope to begin working as a coach in the next month or so.  Hope i get loads of Leatherfolk as clients!  i highly recommend Life Coaching if you are stuck in some aspect of your life.  
Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Two Ways to Finding Y/your Authentic Self 

Becoming authentic is an individual mission, since each person has their own way of being human, and consequently what is authentic will be different for each individual. Furthermore, personal authenticity is highly contextual, and depends on various social, political, religious and cultural characteristics. But the unique nature of each individual is best seen not in who he is, but in who he becomes, and becoming authentic is a continuous process, not an event. It involves not just knowing oneself, but also recognizing others and the mutual influence between individuals. If the quest for personal authenticity is just for self-fulfillment, then it is individualistic and ego-based; but if it is accompanied with the awareness of others and the wider world, then it can be a worthwhile goal.     From Philosophy Now

Have you ever pondered, “who am I/i really?”  “Who is M/my authentic self?”

Well, i have many times over the years.  It seems as we grow and change, our relationships evolve or end, we move, and find new careers and new lovers, our authentic self changes too.  Authenticity seems to be a hard and never ending quest because people are continually evolving, growing and changing.

Finding Y/your authentic self is about being honest with Y/yourself, being self aware, being humble, and listening to feedback from others without getting hurt or defensive, and then internalizing the feedback that resonates with Y/you.  Those of Y/you who do seek a more authentic self will likely become a happier, and more creative person.  Also, some psychologists say authenticity can lead to improved coping strategies, a stronger sense of self worth, more self confidence, and a higher likelihood of following through on goals.

Don Miguel Ruiz writes in his book The Four Agreements that “our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive and express what we really are.”

As soon as i read that statement i immediately thought about those of U/us living or attempting to live O/our authentic selves, what W/we really are – or are into (KINK or BDSM).  W/we in the Leather BDSM community reportedly have healthier relationships because of the degree to which we have open, honest communication between the people involved prior to establishing a formal relationship or agreeing to a play session.  For there to be open and honest communication Y/you hopefully have done some sort of personal inventory of Y/your life identifying Y/your wants, needs, desires, likes, preferences, and goals, as well as those things Y/you want to avoid, not experience or exclude from Y/your life.

In order for Y/you to begin identifying and understanding Y/your most significant personal values, i have included the list and exercises below:

Step 1: What I/i Value Most…

From this list of values (both work and personal), select the ten that are most important to Y/you – as guides for how to behave or as components of a valued way of life.  Feel free to add any values of Y/your own to the list.

Achievement                                                                Friendships                           Physical challenge

Advancement and promotion                                  Growth                                   Pleasure

Adventure                                                                     Having a family                  Power and authority

Affection (love and caring)                                       Helping other people         Privacy

Arts                                                                                Helping society                   Public service

Challenging problems                                               Honesty                                Purity

Change and variety                                                   Independence                    Quality of what I take part in

Close relationships                                                   Influencing others             Quality relationships

Community                                                                Inner harmony                  Recognition (respect from others, status)

Competence                                                               Integrity                             Religion

Competition                                                              Intellectual status             Reputation

Cooperation                                                              Involvement                     Responsibility and accountability

Country                                                                     Job tranquility                  Security

Creativity                                                                 Knowledge                         Self-Respect

Decisiveness                                                            Leadership                         Serenity

Democracy                                                              Location                              Sophistication

Ecological awareness                                           Loyalty                                 Stability

Economic security                                                Market position                 Status

Effectiveness                                                         Meaningful work              Supervising others

Efficiency                                                              Merit                                    Time freedom

Ethical practice                                                    Money                                 Truth

Excellence                                                             Nature                                 Wealth

Excitement                                                           being around people who
are open and honest        Wisdom 

Fame                                                                       Order (tranquility,

stability, conformity)             Work under pressure 

Fast living                                                            Personal development                                                     Work with others

Financial gain                     

Freedom                                                                                                                                                            Working alone

Step 2: Elimination

Now that Y/you have identified ten, imagine that Y/you are only permitted to have five values. Which five would Y/you give up? Cross them off.

Now imagine that Y/you are only permitted four. Which would Y/you give up? Cross it off.

Now cross off another, to bring Y/your list down to three.

And another, to bring Y/your list down to two.

Finally cross off one of Y/your two values. Which is the one item on the lst that Y/you care most about?

Another way of identifying Y/your authentic self, is to ask Y/yourself the following five questions:

  1. When Y/you were little, what did Y/you want to be when Y/you grew up?   W/we all had dreams when W/we were little, but people get sidetracked from T/their dreams by status, money, responsibility and life.  Picture Y/yourself in Y/your childhood dream.  Do Y/you see that smile and positive energy?  That could be Y/your life.
  2. What makes Y/you laugh?  Laugh at what Y/you find funny.  Who cares if the person next to Y/you is laughing.  Laughing feels good, makes U/us happier people and sets U/us free to enjoy the life W/we are living.  Laughter is a powerful tool that can change Y/your mood and perception of what is happening in the moment.  Enjoy the smile and the feeling of happiness rising inside of Y/you.
  3. What clothes do Y/you feel comfortable in?  This is a serious question.  It doesn’t matter if Y/you like dressing in suits every day or prefer cotton shirts and no shoes, wear what makes Y/you feel comfortable.  i am not suggesting Y/you run naked through the streets or Y/your office, but clothes are a way of expressing Y/yourself and what Y/you wear should be comfortable and should reflect the true Y/you.
  4. What activities do Y/you enjoy?  Discovering these activities will help guide Y/you towards a place where Y/you want to spend time.  By finding and immersing Y/yourself in this place, Y/you will feel happier and more energized.  Ultimately Y/you may find that Y/you want to work in that place, or at least create the possibility to spend more time there.
  5. Who can Y/you be Y/yourself around?  W/we are social creatures by nature, so it is important to spend time with people who make U/us feel good and accept U/us for who W/we really are.  When W/we are with people who do not judge U/us but accept U/us, then W/we are able to express O/our authentic self.

Once Y/you discover Y/your authentic self, Y/you can start to make changes in Y/your life that allow Y/you to be this person.  It is time to face those fears and start Y/your journey toward being Y/your authentic self.  Y/you will be astounded by how Y/your life can become fuller, richer, and happier.                   (Edited from http://www.mindbodygreen.com)

i have changed over the years but one thing has remained a constant even though for years it was a closeted self, so i can’t claim to have been living my authentic self.  That is my love and affinity and passion for the Leather BDSM/KINK community.  In my closet Days my fantasy men were leather clad masculine Doms.  i enjoyed it when a partner was more aggressive, rough, or Dominant.  i was really turned on by the slaps to the ass some men would deliver.  i knew who my authentic self was i was just not able to let him out at the time for various reasons.

my responses to the questions above:

i like men in leather and uniforms; i feel comfortable in Levi’s, boots, leather; i enjoy and feel more comfortable in masculine atmospheres like Leather bars and Leather BDSM gatherings and events; i like BDSM & Kink & Fetish activities; and i can most be myself – my real, authentic self around other Leather BDSM Men/boys.