Pup Play

This article was borrowed from a recent Tumblr posting.

Pup Play FAQ

The past several months I’ve had individuals contact me regarding what pup play is from my perspective, and to ask for more resources. Instead of typing it out every time and trying to find the resources I have, I’m just putting it on here so I can share it easily. If someone thinks something should be added/changed/fixed, let me know. I’d rather be corrected so the info on here is reliable and available.

So what is Pup play:

The short answer:
It’s exactly as it sounds. Someone wanting to play the role of (role play) a puppy: on all fours, wagging, barking, playing with toys, eating out of dog bowls, etc.

The longer answer:
Pup play is a form of pet play (animal role play), where an individual wants to take on the role of a puppy dog. This is done by role-playing a puppy, mimicking mannerisms: barking, wagging, begging, playing with toys, sniffing/licking things, eating out of bowls, etc.; for fun.

In the end it’s a fun release, getting into a shift in headspace, and only focusing about what is happening right now. Not what happened earlier, or what will come. Just being a pup in the here and now. That headspace is all about trying to think like a dog and rely more on instinct rather than the complexities of human thought and aspirations.

What pup play is not:

First and foremost, pup play is not about bestiality – no sexual activity involving real bio (biological) dogs. Pup play is also not about humiliation. Most pups do not get into pup for the humiliation factor. They get into pup because it’s fun and a great release. However, while someone may be a pup, they may also be part of, or like other kinks, fetishes, and communities as well. Finally, pup play is not just about sex. While pup play can be a sex positive experience, where the subject of sex is not looked down on. Sex is not the sole purpose of pet play or pup play. It just depends on the nature of the relationship with the pup and/or any other parties involved.

Terms:

Below are a few terms that are used within the pup community. I’ve noticed that some people define these differently, this is just my own generic definitions:

Pup – A person acting the part of a puppy within pup-play.
Alpha – A pup who is a leader in a pack or over other pup(s). This is normally a leadership/guidance role.
Owner – Someone who owns a pup or a pack (multiple pups).
Handler – Someone who is handling a pup on a leash.
PAH – (Puppy and Handler) Is normally a regional/local group specifically for human puppies, handlers, and those interested in pup play.
Biopup/Biodog – Refers to an actual biological dog.
Headspace (pup-space or pupping out) – Is the carefree mental state that happens when in pup play. It’s focusing on living in the moment, and acting with your surroundings on instinct, like a dog would. Putting your own thoughts, fears, ambitions, etc. aside for a time.
Moshing – A puppy mosh, mosh pit, or just mosh, is normally when a group of pups get together and pup out. Most of the time it’s done in a specific area (roped off or matted) for the sole purpose of pupping out.
There are other terms out there and definitions. I suggest reading other resources to learn more about them and/or how others define those terms. There are other resources at the end of this.

Is any gear required to get started:

No, being a pup requires no gear. It’s a mental state and purely up to the individual on how they want to pup. I do recommend at least some basic safety gear for comfort. Mainly due to being on all fours on the floor, they can either be hard on your knuckles and knees, or can give you rug burn, depending on the surfaces you are crawling around on. Some basic knee pads and cheap MMA practice mitts make perfect gear to start out with. But, while I recommend some gear for comfort, I want to repeat this. Gear is never required to be a pup. Below are a few other things you can look at.
Collars – I’ve seen two forms of thought on it. Some say pups should wear a collar and their owner/alpha/handler will give them tags. Others say collars should be given by an owner/alpha/handler. Personally, if a collar will help you get into headspace, go for it! In the end if you get a cheap collar and your owner/alpha/handler wants to give you a more expensive collar and/or tags, you can always switch to using theirs. Again, no one is making the rules on this except you.
Toys – Toys can really make pupping out fun, even by yourself. Think of a real puppy and them playing with chew toys. They can entertain themselves for a long while. Just keep it simple and cheap, soft chew toys are all you need. Though I caution playing with hard chew toys (rawhide, hard plastic, etc.). Human teeth are not the same as bio dog teeth.
Hoods/Muzzles – Hoods and muzzles are good to help a pup get into headspace. They also afford a pup the security of anonymity, which can help a pup when in public places. It also helps a pup look more the part, which again, helps with getting into that puppy headspace; but, by no means required. If starting out, there are cheap options out there, you don’t have to drop $150-230+ on a hood if you are not sure pup-play is your thing.
Any other gear that is out there is there for aesthetic purposes. It can help pups get more into that pup headspace. But, again, it is not required. When starting out, I suggest going cheap. Don’t invest into something you are just going to try out if you are not sure this is something you are going stick with. You can get cheap mitts, kneepads, collar, toys, and a hood/mask for under to around $100. If it’s something after a time, you enjoy, you can always invest and upgrade to better gear.

How do I get started:

A lot of times, starting out, people over think it. Try dropping down on all fours and sniffing around, viewing your surrounds on all fours, and starting to think like a puppy. You might want to get on YouTube and watch some videos on how puppies/dogs act. Or, read the numerous dog training resources that are out there on the internet to get some background on training puppies/dogs to give you better insight on how puppies/dogs behave.
Choosing a puppy name and or breed:
Choosing a name is purely up to the individual and or owner/pup relationship. Names can always be changed to best suit a pup. So if you choose a name and get an owner who changes it to something more suiting, nothing is wrong with that. Again, pup is purely defined on your terms.
Breed is the same way; it’s purely up to the pups’ discretion as to what breed they choose if one at all. Let me be clear, you do not need to have a breed to be a pup. It’s just flavor, a bit of color to the experience. If you are looking into a breed, look at the traits certain breeds have, that align closely with how you feel. And, you don’t have to pick a breed due to your body type. I know a huge guy that looks like a linebacker 6’+ tall, that’s a Chihuahua. I know a very small guy who’s a St. Bernard. It’s just flavor to help you identify more as a pup.

Other Resources:

Take this and any other resource with a grain of salt. There is no right or wrong way to be a pup. There isn’t a rule book that states there is a specific way to do something, or set standards that has to be followed – other than common sense. These are just my answers. This and all other resources are just guides to help you. I can’t stress this enough, however you pup, so long as you are happy and comfortable, go for it.
And, I wholeheartedly suggest getting out and involved with a Puppy or PAH (puppy and handlers) group in your area. You can read all you like, but actually interacting with other pups in the community, you gain a wealth of knowledge by actually participating. You may also want to look at your local Leather/BDSM community, which is normally pretty accepting of puppy play and will have resources for you to help you out.
Below are other resources on puppy 101 – beginning stuff to read into. I highly recommend reading these resources and any others out there to get ideas to figure out how you want to pup.

Resources on pup play:

Other online guides, sites, and books:
Woof! – Perspectives into the Erotic Care & Training of the Human Dog
Puppy 101 by Papa Woof Roth – Pup
Puppy Moshing 101 by Papa Woof Roth – Pup
Puppy 101 NEPUPS
Azure-Chaos – Caring for your Human-Pup
SiriusPup
International Puppy Contest
Puppy Bill of Rights
Wikipedia – Animal Roleplay

Online Forums on Pup-Play:

Puppy 101 Facebook page
Pup Zone – For guys into dog/pup roleplay
The Kennel – A Social Network for Human Pups and Their Masters

Gear:

The Happy Pup – Gpup’s Puppy Play & Pup Play Gear Guide
Info on Pup play and Pup play Gear
Mr. S Leather
Look under the puppy section on the left menu.
GRR Bear-Masks
Great handmade masks without breaking your budget. The owner will work with you to create a mask custom for you.
Rubber Dawg – Custom rubber hoods
The Well Kept Pet – Custom Leather Pet Play Masks
Dog House Leathers
The link is to their “Puppy Stuff” page
Fetish Zone
Has a lot of kinky stuff on their site, including a pup play section, as well as a pony play section

Now go out and get your puppy on…

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

My Dungeon of Despair 

Still waters run deep is a saying i have heard since i was a young fellow – maybe early teens.  In the weeks since i last posted many things began swirling in my mind and body.  i realize that on the surface I tend to appear calm, peaceful, passive and shy, but my true spirit runs deep in my soul.  

i noticed that without a Dom Leather BDSM life can be downright boring if not nonexistent.  i have tried to keep a connection online through FetLife, the Leather Kink site Recon.com, and even on the site Adam4Adam.com which occasionally has some kinky men online.  i wear my leather wrist band all the time except showering or doing dishes.  It’s a constant reminder of who i am, and where i want to be.

my therapist keeps hitting me with the earth shaking idea of separating from my partner of many, many years.  He keeps pointing out the codependent nature of the relationship, the subtle yet harmful ways the partner’s actions and inactions could be considered domestic abuse even though there has never been physical abuse.  It tends more toward emotional, psychological, and financial.  The codependent in me will not let me make that leap even though it would probably be for the best.  So, the therapist wants me to fill out a grid with the pros and cons of leaving on top and the pros and cons of not leaving on bottom.  This is supposed to open my eyes wide enough to leap out of the marriage.  But, i will likely remain in my dungeon of despair no matter what the grid shows.

Still waters run deep…i keep everything suppressed.  Thoughts, feelings, desires, dreams, fears, everything is smushed down and is held back with a giant valve.  Infrequently it lets off a bit of steam through bursts of anger, sarcasm, tears, or depression.  Then the valve gets tightened even more.  Some days i feel my head might explode because i am living a lie and lying to live peacefully.  i lie so much i don’t even know who knows what parts of me and my story are true — except you, my readers.

i long to live a life in leather.  To be collared.  To be an open, proud submissive.  To date, to cruise, to go out when i want to, to have sex when I want to, to have the friends i want to have, to invite my Leather friends to my house whenever i want to, to spend or save money the way i want/need to, to be able to be a nudist in my own home, to get an erotic massage occasionally, and just to masturbate when, how, and where i want to, and to eat when, where and what i want to.  Sounds simple, doesn’t it?

Although i don’t see me having a big breakup scene, or just leaving unannounced someday i am working toward becoming a stronger person and taking a stand against the strong, but subtle control he has on me. Only time and a stronger ego can tell what may happen.

On a lighter, happier note i hired a Life Coach.  He is helping me set goals for my life, working with me to potentially enter a career that will not tax me physically.  He is holding me accountable to the goals we set at each call.  i am moving toward a career in Life Coaching as well.  Many coaches work via telephone or Skype or even Zoom conference rooms, so there would be no need for an office, or to commute or to hold a routine 8-5 schedule every day.  i am taking a course to become certified and hope to begin working as a coach in the next month or so.  Hope i get loads of Leatherfolk as clients!  i highly recommend Life Coaching if you are stuck in some aspect of your life.  
Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Two Ways to Finding Y/your Authentic Self 

Becoming authentic is an individual mission, since each person has their own way of being human, and consequently what is authentic will be different for each individual. Furthermore, personal authenticity is highly contextual, and depends on various social, political, religious and cultural characteristics. But the unique nature of each individual is best seen not in who he is, but in who he becomes, and becoming authentic is a continuous process, not an event. It involves not just knowing oneself, but also recognizing others and the mutual influence between individuals. If the quest for personal authenticity is just for self-fulfillment, then it is individualistic and ego-based; but if it is accompanied with the awareness of others and the wider world, then it can be a worthwhile goal.     From Philosophy Now

Have you ever pondered, “who am I/i really?”  “Who is M/my authentic self?”

Well, i have many times over the years.  It seems as we grow and change, our relationships evolve or end, we move, and find new careers and new lovers, our authentic self changes too.  Authenticity seems to be a hard and never ending quest because people are continually evolving, growing and changing.

Finding Y/your authentic self is about being honest with Y/yourself, being self aware, being humble, and listening to feedback from others without getting hurt or defensive, and then internalizing the feedback that resonates with Y/you.  Those of Y/you who do seek a more authentic self will likely become a happier, and more creative person.  Also, some psychologists say authenticity can lead to improved coping strategies, a stronger sense of self worth, more self confidence, and a higher likelihood of following through on goals.

Don Miguel Ruiz writes in his book The Four Agreements that “our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive and express what we really are.”

As soon as i read that statement i immediately thought about those of U/us living or attempting to live O/our authentic selves, what W/we really are – or are into (KINK or BDSM).  W/we in the Leather BDSM community reportedly have healthier relationships because of the degree to which we have open, honest communication between the people involved prior to establishing a formal relationship or agreeing to a play session.  For there to be open and honest communication Y/you hopefully have done some sort of personal inventory of Y/your life identifying Y/your wants, needs, desires, likes, preferences, and goals, as well as those things Y/you want to avoid, not experience or exclude from Y/your life.

In order for Y/you to begin identifying and understanding Y/your most significant personal values, i have included the list and exercises below:

Step 1: What I/i Value Most…

From this list of values (both work and personal), select the ten that are most important to Y/you – as guides for how to behave or as components of a valued way of life.  Feel free to add any values of Y/your own to the list.

Achievement                                                                Friendships                           Physical challenge

Advancement and promotion                                  Growth                                   Pleasure

Adventure                                                                     Having a family                  Power and authority

Affection (love and caring)                                       Helping other people         Privacy

Arts                                                                                Helping society                   Public service

Challenging problems                                               Honesty                                Purity

Change and variety                                                   Independence                    Quality of what I take part in

Close relationships                                                   Influencing others             Quality relationships

Community                                                                Inner harmony                  Recognition (respect from others, status)

Competence                                                               Integrity                             Religion

Competition                                                              Intellectual status             Reputation

Cooperation                                                              Involvement                     Responsibility and accountability

Country                                                                     Job tranquility                  Security

Creativity                                                                 Knowledge                         Self-Respect

Decisiveness                                                            Leadership                         Serenity

Democracy                                                              Location                              Sophistication

Ecological awareness                                           Loyalty                                 Stability

Economic security                                                Market position                 Status

Effectiveness                                                         Meaningful work              Supervising others

Efficiency                                                              Merit                                    Time freedom

Ethical practice                                                    Money                                 Truth

Excellence                                                             Nature                                 Wealth

Excitement                                                           being around people who
are open and honest        Wisdom 

Fame                                                                       Order (tranquility,

stability, conformity)             Work under pressure 

Fast living                                                            Personal development                                                     Work with others

Financial gain                     

Freedom                                                                                                                                                            Working alone

Step 2: Elimination

Now that Y/you have identified ten, imagine that Y/you are only permitted to have five values. Which five would Y/you give up? Cross them off.

Now imagine that Y/you are only permitted four. Which would Y/you give up? Cross it off.

Now cross off another, to bring Y/your list down to three.

And another, to bring Y/your list down to two.

Finally cross off one of Y/your two values. Which is the one item on the lst that Y/you care most about?

Another way of identifying Y/your authentic self, is to ask Y/yourself the following five questions:

  1. When Y/you were little, what did Y/you want to be when Y/you grew up?   W/we all had dreams when W/we were little, but people get sidetracked from T/their dreams by status, money, responsibility and life.  Picture Y/yourself in Y/your childhood dream.  Do Y/you see that smile and positive energy?  That could be Y/your life.
  2. What makes Y/you laugh?  Laugh at what Y/you find funny.  Who cares if the person next to Y/you is laughing.  Laughing feels good, makes U/us happier people and sets U/us free to enjoy the life W/we are living.  Laughter is a powerful tool that can change Y/your mood and perception of what is happening in the moment.  Enjoy the smile and the feeling of happiness rising inside of Y/you.
  3. What clothes do Y/you feel comfortable in?  This is a serious question.  It doesn’t matter if Y/you like dressing in suits every day or prefer cotton shirts and no shoes, wear what makes Y/you feel comfortable.  i am not suggesting Y/you run naked through the streets or Y/your office, but clothes are a way of expressing Y/yourself and what Y/you wear should be comfortable and should reflect the true Y/you.
  4. What activities do Y/you enjoy?  Discovering these activities will help guide Y/you towards a place where Y/you want to spend time.  By finding and immersing Y/yourself in this place, Y/you will feel happier and more energized.  Ultimately Y/you may find that Y/you want to work in that place, or at least create the possibility to spend more time there.
  5. Who can Y/you be Y/yourself around?  W/we are social creatures by nature, so it is important to spend time with people who make U/us feel good and accept U/us for who W/we really are.  When W/we are with people who do not judge U/us but accept U/us, then W/we are able to express O/our authentic self.

Once Y/you discover Y/your authentic self, Y/you can start to make changes in Y/your life that allow Y/you to be this person.  It is time to face those fears and start Y/your journey toward being Y/your authentic self.  Y/you will be astounded by how Y/your life can become fuller, richer, and happier.                   (Edited from http://www.mindbodygreen.com)

i have changed over the years but one thing has remained a constant even though for years it was a closeted self, so i can’t claim to have been living my authentic self.  That is my love and affinity and passion for the Leather BDSM/KINK community.  In my closet Days my fantasy men were leather clad masculine Doms.  i enjoyed it when a partner was more aggressive, rough, or Dominant.  i was really turned on by the slaps to the ass some men would deliver.  i knew who my authentic self was i was just not able to let him out at the time for various reasons.

my responses to the questions above:

i like men in leather and uniforms; i feel comfortable in Levi’s, boots, leather; i enjoy and feel more comfortable in masculine atmospheres like Leather bars and Leather BDSM gatherings and events; i like BDSM & Kink & Fetish activities; and i can most be myself – my real, authentic self around other Leather BDSM Men/boys.

Real Online LDR or Real Prick Tease

My marriage is not perfect, but whose is?  We’ve only been officially married 2 1/2 years, but have been together 37 years.  As i related in a previous post we had a drastic estrangement last September when it came out how deeply i was integrating into the Leather BDSM Kink lifestyle. 

Over the years i have been told repeatedly by a series of therapists to end my relationship because of codependence and ongoing difficulties between us.   However, i couldn’t leave, and didn’t want to.  There was love, friendship, companionship, compatibility, lots of history with both ups and downs, illnesses, near deaths for each of us, many family member’s deaths, and most of our friends had died of AIDS.  And of course the codependence!

The major thing missing from my life and needs seemed to be a healthy (and kinky) sex life.  But now, i feel i need a deep emotional and passionate relationship to go with the hot sex life.

For years i have been on many gay hookup sites looking for those brief anonymous, wild and passionate hookups.  Unfortunately, it mostly ended up just being picture perusal and an occasional chat, but very seldom any hookups.

Last week a new app notice appeared in my email inbox, so i thought i would give it a try.  Within a couple of hours of getting the app & submitting my profile, my first email arrived. It was from a handsome man, 52 years old, BUT he lives in another country. His message was very sweet and special so i responded.  i have to say i also got a dozen more messages from guys all over the world that i deleted immediately.  

This man, a doctor – he says – and i have texted several times daily every since we first met.  Some of his story made me wonder if he is being truthful.  According to him he is in a special military unit as a doctor – an email was sent to me from a medical related email, so i tend to believe that. Yesterday he said he was being sent to a middle eastern war zone country  – and then later he texted his google location, & sure enough it shows he is there in the thick of the fighting. Yipes!

i look forward to each text.  i am fearing for his life.  i am praying he returns to the safety of his home country soon.

The big caveat  – he has proclaimed his love for me already and states he wants to be together and that the distance can be overcome if there is enough desire to continue the relationship. 

So, i am having an emotional affair. It feels much different from the infrequent sexual hookups i was having.  i am not saying i feel guilty, but i worry that i could end up being a prick tease for my doctor/soldier/lover man.  I have not told him about my relationship status, physical problems or HIV status, but he hasn’t asked either.

i have fantasized about moving to his European country escaping my current life.  But, i know, well…i think i know it is just a fantasy.  i do not want to hurt my husband.  I couldn’t move to another country while my father is still living. Of course, we would have to meet in person to test compatibility, sexual compatibility, and see if he truly has a BDSM side as he indicated in his online profile. He did say he is versatile and tends more submissive.  Hummm. 

Tell me now, am i in fantasyland? Could it really work out?  Am i infatuated?  Is it budding love?  Am i wanting an escape route? Or am i being a prick tease?  

Y/you can be honest.  What do you think?

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Domestic Abuse

Over the years i have heard time after time that BDSM is abusive to the submissive or bottom person in a D/s or M/s relationship. Most often it had to do with the sub’s position in play – usually that of the recipient of control in the form of bondage or of pain.  What the general public is not aware of is the basic tenet of BDSM – safe, sane, & consensual.  They don’t understand how or why a person would submit willingly to the infliction of pain, so of course they assume the submissive is being coerced or abused.  While this can and probably does happen at times in BDSM relationships, i believe it has more to do with the individual’s psychological make-up than the presence of the BDSM dynamic.

i thought tonight i would elucidate the problems of domestic abuse, so Y/you will have a greater understanding of the types of abuse and be able to identify abusive tactics employed by the perpetrators.

Generally, there are five categories of domestic abuse:

  • Physical 
  • Sexual 
  • Emotional 
  • Financial 
  • Identity

These categories are not exclusive meaning an abuser may utilize tactics from more than one category in order to maintain control over the victimized person.

PHYSICAL ABUSE

Physical violence or even the threat of violence is intended to enhance the power and control of the abuser over the partner.  Physical abuse can be defined as the threat of harm or any forceful physical behavior that intentionally or accidentally causes bodily harm or property destruction, including:

  1. Hitting, beating, choking, pushing, slapping, kicking, pulling hair, biting, punching, backhanding, arm twisting, shoving, kicking or burning.
  2. Threatening to use or using a weapon against the partner
  3. Punching walls or doors
  4. Stalking
  5. Denying or interfering with the partner meeting their basic physical needs (e.g. Eating and sleeping)
  6. Smashing, damaging, stealing, or selling the partner’s possessions 

Physical abuse also can be used against children, pets, and even the partner’s family & friends

***Recently i was told one should know their potential partner in BDSM well since most of the consensual activities could be considered felonies***

SEXUAL ABUSE 

Sexual abuse is any forced or coerced sexual activity or behavior motivated to build power and control over the partner.  It can also be any contact meant to demean or humiliate the partner and instill feelings of shame and vulnerability.

Examples are:

  1. Unwanted touching 
  2. Demeaning remarks
  3. Berating partner about sexual history 
  4. Forcing sex without consent 
  5. Rape
  6. Rape with an object 
  7. Refusing to comply with request for safe sex
  8. Coercing partner into sex with others
  9. Unwanted sadistic acts

Some forms of sexual abuse are crimes

EMOTIONAL/PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE 

Emotional abuse is the use of words, voice, action, or lack of action meant to control, hurt or demean another person.  It typically includes ridicule, intimidation or coercion.

Behaviors include:

  1. Verbal threats
  2. Demeaning person in front of friends, family, or even strangers
  3. Constant criticism or humiliation yelling to intimidate 
  4. Obsessive jealousy 
  5. Being irresponsible with money
  6. Using insults, sarcasm or sneering 

Frequently the abuser is seeking to socially isolate the partner.  Behaviors used to socially isolate include:

  1. Blaming partner’s friends or family for their relationship problems
  2. Monitoring phone calls, mail, or visits 
  3. Demanding an account of daily activities
  4. Insulting, threatening or assaulting the partner’s friends or family to drive them away
  5. Stalking or using other means of surveillance 

FINANCIAL ABUSE

Financial abuse is the use or misuse of the partner’s financial or other monetary resources without the partner’s freely given consent.

Common examples include:

  1. Forbidding the partner to work
  2. Refusing to work yet contributing to expenses
  3. Controlling shared resources 
  4. Demanding partner account for all the money they spend
  5. Taking credit cards, money, or checkbook 
  6. Forging partner’s signature on financial documents

IDENTITY ABUSE 

Identity abuse is the use of personal characteristics to demean, manipulate and control the partner.  Some of these tactics overlap with other forms of abuse, particularly emotional abuse.  This category includes racism, sexism, ageism, able-ism, beauty-ism, and homophobia.  Also the fear of being outed as a kinky person can be a form of identity abuse.

Examples are:

  1. Outing or threatening to out someone
  2. Asserting partner will never have another relationship because they are too ugly or too old
  3. Blaming the abuse on the person’s identity (gay, bisexual) or behavior (S&M)
  4. Exploiting partner’s internalized racism
  5. Ridiculing partner’s physical challenges 

 i am simply listing the characteristics of Abusive Men

  • Control – achieved through criticism, verbal abuse, financial control, isolation, cruelty 
  • Entitlement – belief in having special rights without responsibilities 
  • Selfishness & Self-centeredness – expectation of being center of attention, having needs anticipated
  • Superiority  – contempt for partner as stupid, unworthy or as house keeper 
  • Possessiveness  – seeing partner as property 
  • Confusing Love & Abuse – explains violence as expression of deep love
  • Manipulativeness – confusion, distortion, lies. Projects self as good, while portraying partner as crazy or abusive
  • Contradictory Statements & Behaviors – saying one thing and doing another
  • Externalization of Responsibility  – shifting blame for their actions to others, especially the partner 
  • Denial, Minimalization, & Victim Blaming – not acknowledging the seriousness of his behavior and its effects
  • Serial Battering – abusive in one relationship after another

Men can exhibit some or all of these characteristics and NEVER PHYSICALLY assault a partner


Some of this material was edited or summarized from Lundy Bancroft & Jay Silverman (2002).  The Batterer as Parent: Addressing the Impact of Domestic Violence on Family Dynamics.  Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications.
Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Enlightenment and Happiness 

my BDSM workshop was far beyond my wildest dreams, hopes, and imagination.  The two and a half days were filled with camaraderie, education, and assignments to evoke deep thought about D/s play and relationships, demonstrations, and hands-on practice of everything taught over the weekend.  

There were twenty gay and bisexual men ranging in ages from 30’s to 75.  All sizes, shapes and penis lengths were represented.  Unfortunately one thing i noticed was an absence of African American men.  Asian and Latino men were minimally represented.  So, it was mostly middle aged and older white guys.

W/we bonded quickly through a series of “getting to know you” exercises, and then the rest of the weekend was spent primarily naked and extremely close to each other.

Saturday i was put into a rope harness for the first time.  It was an exercise to instill a sense of submissiveness into each participant.  Then, W/we learned how to spank and use a flogger.  W/we each gave and received both.  i quickly learned, or more accurately had it reinforced, that I am a submissive, because I did not enjoy flogging others; it did not excite me in the least.  However, i did like giving a spanking for a short time.  However, W/we had to spank for 45 minutes using all three positions: over the knee, on all fours, and froggy.  Man, did my arm get exhausted.  The position i liked best was froggy.  i could easily see his butt, legs, back and head.  i had easy access to his ass for spanking.  i could watch as his cheeks turned from pink to Rosie Red.

The flogging practice with me as the sub was so intense.  i kept having flashes of white lights over and over.  Then feelings began to well up in me and i had this overwhelming sense of happiness to the point of having tears in my eyes.  They were definitely tears of happiness and not from pain.  i felt joyful.  i had found something I want and need as a part of my life going forward.  Yes, I felt the sting and thud of the flogger.  Yes, i felt each blow as i was simultaneously spanked. But, i was happy that i had finally experienced what i had longed for and dreamed of for years.  They were indeed tears of happiness.  

Sunday, we learned about another type of rope bondage harness as well as the use of clothes pins for tit torture (or stimulation) and cock and ball bondage, balls weights, and CBT – cock & ball torture.  i was blindfolded, bound with the rope, cock tied up, and clothes pins applied – and I felt nothing.  I could hardly tell the clothes pins were on my nipples.  Others were applied elsewhere with the same minimal stimulation.  Weights were carefully tied to the cord binding my cock and balls.  Then, lowered slowly.  After several seconds i asked if they were on as i felt – nothing.  They were indeed on.  They proceeded to parade me around the room, ball weights swinging, and the feeling of submission and helplessness constant.  Then, the flogging, spanking, and CBT began.  It was the CBT that made me weak in the knees.  The sensation was intense, stimulating, and teasingly erotic.

Later we discussed desire.  Expressing what you desire and getting it, or negotiating for a compromised desire.  And then acting out your desire.  W/we each were assigned to come up with a fantasy we would like to have happen that afternoon.  In groups of three we all had our desire met, then functioned as the Top, and then as the assistant for another man’s desire.  As my fantasy desire was being met and the two men acting out my fantasy were yelling, mocking, and jeering me, the room seemed to have emptied completely except us three.  No other sound could be heard or action felt by me, except what was taking place in my scenario.  i did not see colors this time – only blackness.  But even in the darkness, and the quietness of the room i became aware of a feeling of enlightenment.  Now, i think i must have felt the authentic me amidst the intense pain/pleasure of that experience.

The marks and redness from the flogging and spanking quickly resolved, but the warmth and internal glow of happiness, awareness, authenticity, and enlightenment continue to burn eagerly in my soul.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Questions about being a submissive, and Questions for Doms

Have Y/you ever wondered what Y/you were supposed to do, think or feel about being a submissive or a Dominant?  Did you have questions for Doms or subs but were afraid to ask?

Here are a few questions i would ask about being a sub, and some questions i would pose to Dominants, if the opportunity arose.

What questions do Y/you have that Y/you want answered?

Add a comment to this post to respond to a question or to submit a question you have had for a while.

Hopefully we’ll add more questions, get some answers, and open a dialogue between Doms and subs.
                  Questions of Mine

  • Should a boy be clean shaven – not even a moustache 
  • Should a boy keep his hair short?
  • Should a boy shave his pubes and balls?
  • Should a boy shave his ass?
  • Should a boy call every Dom and Master “SIR ” from the very beginning?
  • What do Doms look for in a potential submissive boy?
  • What do Doms really think/feel if a sub uses a safe word?
  • Are most Doms trying to be intimidating or is it the nature of Dominants, or am i being too easily intimidated?
  • Do most Doms have just a few special kinks in Their repertoire or are They well versed in a variety of different skills?
  • What is it with the Cigar craze? 
  •  Don’t Doms know cigars kill the same way cigarettes do, but in a more pervasive, smelly way?
  • Is the role of a Dom becoming fuzzy and more indistinguishable from a submissive?
  • Why is it becoming harder to tell a sub from a Dom in social situations or at Leather bars?
  • Are Doms softening over time?
  • Why is more sex being had at gay male Leather play parties than actual BDSM scenes?
  • At a play party how should a sub ask a Dom to do a scene with him?
  • Is a boy supposed to approach an unfamiliar Dom initially, or is it the Dom’s place to pursue His prospective boy?
  • Are there a lot of Dominants who are actually bottoms in sex, giving the role of top to His boy?
  • What things have You experienced that immediately ended a scene?

i hope more questions are generated and that responses to the current questions will be submitted by many M/men and women sharing T/their perspective. 

Thanks for reading,

boy stray