Day 23: Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?
Sometimes, especially when in the company of non Leather folks, i get twinges of sub shame and embarrassment. At times, not too often, but occasionally i feel judged or pigeonholed as a leather sub who is passive, used, abused, and having no choice or say in what “happens” to me in a BDSM dynamic. i don’t feel like going into educator mode explaining about roles, choices, contracts, negotiations, limits, safe words, and just admitting that the things that are “done” to me are done with my permission because all BDSM activities are between consenting adults.
As far as being resistant to an aspect of being a submissive i feel a bit of ambivalence regarding subs into piss and scat. i described my foray into play parties last week, but the one thing i don’t think i mentioned was the piss boy who was stationed in the restroom. he stayed in there the whole night and was given a donation of $5 by each person who wanted to piss on him or have him “drink from the tap.” i really had to piss bad by the time i left the party, but I would not #1 pay $5 to pee, and #2 pee on someone who spent the whole night serving as a toilet. i like the idea of 1:1 piss play but not in a situation like that. Part of me felt sad for him, but i have to remember and remind myself from time to time that his kink is not my kink, but his kink is ok!
Day 24: What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?
i think I am a happy, joyful submissive. i am a long term service oriented caregiving professional having worked in healthcare for many years. In ways that profession is one of submissiveness. Wanting to do for and care for others! A service oriented submissive. To put myself second – behind the person who is most important – whether that person is a Dom, or a patient. To take care of someone well is a source of pride, satisfaction, and joy for me. It instills a deeper sense of self worth and self esteem.